Saturday, December 15, 2007

Meet The Man Who Takes The Saying 'Idle Hands Are The Devil's Tools' Very Seriously

It's fairly obvious that together, me and my oldest Infidel daughter, Sunbum are destined to join the hallowed ranks of history's most amazing super sleuths.
Despite an upbringing by two evil conservative parents who believe in small government, capitalism, and making ceremonial loin cloths out of hippie hides to worship at the altar of Dick Cheney, Sunbum retains an astonishingly high E.Q. level for her empathy.

High E.Q. Level= A Future Life As A Burned-Out Social Worker

So while we cruised the grocery store produce section shamelessly groping the tart, young arugula bunches Sunbum and I spotted a middle-aged man clad in a faded, red plaid flannel shirt ambling kind of lopsided towards us.

Sunbum whispered urgently into my ear, "Aww, look at that poor guy. He only has one arm. Can I offer to help him with his basket?"

At that moment the one-armed man crossed in front of us and we discovered that he wasn't really a one-armed man after all. No, indeed he wasn't. Instead he had his right arm firmly positioned behind him thus giving the appearance of a missing limb. Unfortunately, we also bore solemn witness to his hand tucked inside the back of his jeans vigorously and furiously scratching his arse. Ewwww, the very definition of 'crusty poop fingers' springing to life!

Oh Alanis, I could practically write another verse of your song after seeing that guy....."Cause he had one hand in his pocket and the other one digging for butt nuggets." Maybe he was breaking in a new pair of linty boxer shorts and the accumulated buttpulp in his crack became too much to bear?

Whatever the reason, Sunbum and I quickly realized that we'd inadvertently stumbled upon a previously unexplored solution to the infamous 'Fugitive'
case immortalized on T.V and film.

Dr. Kimble shouldn't waste any more time futilely searching the world over for the sadistic one-armed man who brutally killed his wife. What he needs to do is re-direct his attention towards finding a suspicious man cursed with an inflammatory butt rash! Although, I wouldn't recommend trying to apprehend this suspect without the aid of latex gloves and an industrial sized bottle of anti-bacterial gel.

28 comments:

glittersmama said...

I think you should take a poll of which phrase causes more throwing up a little in the mouth...

butt nuggets OR butt pulp

jams o donnell said...

loincloths of hippy skins? Haha I hope this does not extend to liberal lefties or I will stay out of Houston:)

Even if the guy was undertaking something unsavoury (and in supermarket? Urrgh!) Kudos to Sunbum for her compassion. She'll make you and Papi proud.

Nancy Face said...

What the? I just clicked and you're up to #17! Woo hoo! :D

Nancy Face said...

Ewwww....and EWWWW!

I do believe your 'Fugitive' solution is correct.

INFIDEL SUPER SLEUTHS!

Mrs. Monkey said...

I think I may need trauma therapy after that. I will definitely need some of those pills for OCD while shopping.

That's just gross! I probably would have directed him to the bathroom to wash his hands- that would be the mom side of me, not the social worker side of me.;)

Bee said...

This is why I never go grocery shopping, you encounter gross people!
Buttpulp good name for my rockband! :o)

click!
Congrats to us. For now... ;op

Jean Knee said...

I just came over to click for ya and I find this delightful story of mother-daughter bonding...
awwww....

on.the.run said...

haha... Once when I was at the YMCA doing aqua-aerobics (don't ask) I saw this old man with his hand all the way down the front of his pants. I looked around in shock to see if other people were witnessing the horror I was witnessing only to realize that he had a dead arm which he had tucked into his swimming shorts to keep it from floating away - really though he could have tucked in into the side of his shorts and not the front.

Methodical wormer said...

I think your blog just reached a whole new high... or low, I can't decide. Make sure you wash that arugula!!!

aubrey said...

ew.
ew.
i almost threw up that almond rocca i just ate. an almond rocca, even. ew.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

I have to HAND it to you, you really made that guy the BUTT of your joke!! WAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!

Lauren said...

Elastic for President!
Sunburn for Head Secret Agent!

So, I am pretty much in love with your new verse to Alanis' song.

Lauren said...

To vote for you on Humor Blogs do I just click on your little thingy on that site? I am confused! Gah!

the pink report said...

You ARE kidding with the Dick Cheney bit, right?

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

"...making ceremonial loin cloths out of hippie hides to worship at the altar of Dick Cheney..."

I think we need pictorial evidence of this, please.

Leonardo DiCaptitated said...

Imagine trying to scratch those impolite itches with your head lopped off. Just imagine that, while you're making fun of the rear-itch-challenged, you heartless blowhole.

wynne said...

Whoa. Leo is being a wee bit impolite, AND not managing to make any sense with his insults...head lopped off? Whose head? The man was supposedly missing an arm, not a head. Tsk, tsk.

Leonardo DiCaptitated said...

You think it's easy scratching something with a disembodied head? Have some pity. Exactly how am I supposed to feel the itch in the first place? By what power will I move my hand to the itchy place? These are things SOMEONE should have thought about before she went off on her "I saw a guy scratch his rear at the store and was less than enthralled" tirade.

Say it loud! I'm decapitated and proud!

Suzanne said...

Ewww!!! He probably touched all the produce after that... ***sigh***

Geosomin said...

What creeps me out about this story is that the guy probably fodnles and bought some fruit later...and people wonder why I am so crazy about washing my veggies...

Bee said...

It looks like they've got you back up and running! Guess who you're above. Come on, guess.
Good job to your peeps and keep 'em clicking!

click from work!

Elizabeth-W said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Leonardo has the word T!T in his last name.
Favorite line: High E.Q. Level= A Future Life As A Burned-Out Social Worker
Remember when we thought GM was straight? I was so naive!

Diesel said...

It would have been great if she had gone up to the guy and said, "Hey, can I give you a hand with that?"

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

This post is BEYOND REPULSIVE.

*hee hee, you said "buttpulp"*

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Everybody gets buttpulp sometimes. Everybody. It's the little itty-bitty collection of lint, fuzz, and butt hair that accumulates in your crack. Don't come here pretending like you ain't got no buttpulp because I know better.....I think you all should start doing the environmentally friendly thing and making your own paper from buttpulp.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

The Dick Cheney thing was a joke. It seems like our culture has gotten so divided that conservative, God-fearing, child-bearing, heterosexuals have become the target of derision and scorn from those who think themselves and their socio-Commie ways as enlightened and progressive.

We really are "compassionate" conservatives and we prefer a 10% tithing that will directly aid those in need than another bloated, failed government agency stepping in to "help."

Melissa said...

Did you follow him closely through the store to make sure you didn't touch ANYTHING that man may have handled??

Physcokity said...

hahahahaha nice post. Amen to the cultural division thing, butt it made me laugh just the same.