Despite an upbringing by two evil conservative parents who believe in small government, capitalism, and making ceremonial loin cloths out of hippie hides to worship at the altar of Dick Cheney, Sunbum retains an astonishingly high E.Q. level for her empathy.
High E.Q. Level= A Future Life As A Burned-Out Social Worker
So while we cruised the grocery store produce section shamelessly groping the tart, young arugula bunches Sunbum and I spotted a middle-aged man clad in a faded, red plaid flannel shirt ambling kind of lopsided towards us.
Sunbum whispered urgently into my ear, "Aww, look at that poor guy. He only has one arm. Can I offer to help him with his basket?"
At that moment the one-armed man crossed in front of us and we discovered that he wasn't really a one-armed man after all. No, indeed he wasn't. Instead he had his right arm firmly positioned behind him thus giving the appearance of a missing limb. Unfortunately, we also bore solemn witness to his hand tucked inside the back of his jeans vigorously and furiously scratching his arse. Ewwww, the very definition of 'crusty poop fingers' springing to life!
Oh Alanis, I could practically write another verse of your song after seeing that guy....."Cause he had one hand in his pocket and the other one digging for butt nuggets." Maybe he was breaking in a new pair of linty boxer shorts and the accumulated buttpulp in his crack became too much to bear?
Whatever the reason, Sunbum and I quickly realized that we'd inadvertently stumbled upon a previously unexplored solution to the infamous 'Fugitive'
case immortalized on T.V and film.
Dr. Kimble shouldn't waste any more time futilely searching the world over for the sadistic one-armed man who brutally killed his wife. What he needs to do is re-direct his attention towards finding a suspicious man cursed with an inflammatory butt rash! Although, I wouldn't recommend trying to apprehend this suspect without the aid of latex gloves and an industrial sized bottle of anti-bacterial gel.