Monday, December 17, 2007

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

That's because all my hard work and effort in the usually thankless role of delivering newspapers 365 days a year will finally reap the rewards I so justly deserve. Yes, tis the season to be tipping. Fa La La La La La La La La! You can keep your gay apparel, just show me the money!

In Spanish speaking countries they celebrate something known as "The Thirteenth Month" where by law, yes, by law, those in servitude must be paid a month's wages as a Christmas bonus by their employers. Well, in the gloriously capitalistic society that is America we operate a bit differently. We extend our open hands while earnestly repeating, "GIMME GIMME GIMME!" The end result remains the same though, Christmas dinero for the lower caste, white trash, SPAM casserole-loving, peon peoples. That would be me.

I've thrown the same route for several years in a hoity-toity, la-di-frickin-da, country club kind of neighborhood. As an astute scholar of all things pertaining to free money, I've come to notice that a spirit of gratitude earns you a bigger payout.


My tip amounts have shown a steadily climbing increase from the same customers during my newspaper-throwing reign of terror. I can only attribute that to the fact that I hand-write thank you notes for each and every one, even if it's only 5 bucks. According to statistics set forth by the prestigious BrownNose Institute, a daily ritual of butt-kissing yields staggeringly high returns. Wow, they are so right!

I do feel impressed that someone would voluntarily take time out of their busy life and pay postage just to send me something. I don't play favorites, but let's just say that those who tip 50 dollars or more enjoy elite gold member benefits--benefits like having me come in to act as their personal page-turner so as not to sully their fingers with the horrors of newspaper ink. I adopted the slogan iterated in the Disney flick, "Lilo And Stitch" quite literally as my own when it comes to my tipping philosophy. "Nobody gets left behind or forgotten!" You've only been a customer for a week? No problem. That's plenty of good service given to reward your carrier for. You were gone on vacation when I distributed the card solicitation? No problem. I carry extras in my truck just especially for you upon your return. You only take the paper on Sunday? No problem. You should have lots of extra money laying around thanks to the money saving coupons in the Sunday paper. You got your paper service cut off for being a deadbeat? No problem. I still love you and won't harshly judge you like my boss does. Feel the love and send me a love offering!

This year I eschewed the standard Houston Chronicle printed cards and designed one on my own. So far, I'm on the path to a stellar, record setting tip season. I wonder if my super awesome card had something to do with it? Viva la 13th month!

42 comments:

Maddy said...

Aha! I see your creative juices are really flowing. A tiny tip for future reference, make sure that you cut the letters out of newspapers and magazines that you don't deliver - they're clever those CSI types.
Cheers

This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.

glittersmama said...

I'd like to motion for a 13th month. Any seconds?

No Cool Story said...

El Aguinaldo!
Give Elastic her aguinaldo!!

elizabeth-w said...

I have seen this somewhere before, no?
I love the idea of holding the Chronicle hostage!

No Cool Story said...

I heard the song and I thought it was Gay Tuesday on Tuesday :(

No Cool Story said...

It's Elastic Biotch
(I see you,
and I just wanna tip you)

Everytime they turn the lights down
Just wanna go that extra mile for you
Rain, ice, sleet or snow
Your newspaper will make it on time(On time)

I'm sleep deprived I have no time to play
But I keep on rockin' (I'll keep on rockin')
But I keep on rockin' (Keep on rockin')

While you're sleeping in bed my butt towel's my friend
It keeps on dryin' (keeps dryin')
keeps on dryin'
Me and my towel are sayin'

Gimme gimme more
Gimme tips
Gimme gimme more
Gimme gimme tips
Gimme (Uh)
Gimme gimme more
Gimme gimme tips
Gimme more
Gimme gimme more
Gimme gimme tips
Gimme (Uh)
Gimme gimme more

Lisa said...

Wow, listen to NCS sing!

OK, so here is where someone stupid comments on your blog.... I get the paper. I get a bill. I never see the driver and have never seen an envelope for tipping. I so remember this when I was a kid, but up until you mentioned it, I had completely forgotten. Do you think it is different out here? You know we live in half million dollar shacks out here. Now I'm feeling GUILTY!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Thanks NCS. That made me shake around in my glittery bikini that I deliver newspapers in......and yeah, sometimes I feel as though my butt towel is my only friend. Everyone should have at least one super-absorbent compadre, though.

Lisa, don't fret. If you didn't see a tip solicitation in disguise as a friendly holiday greeting card, you're safe. Not everybody practices shameless money-grubbing like the Chronicle. They pay us crappily and never adjust for inflation and high gas costs and expect the customers tipping to make up for their deficits. SHEISTERS!

Glitters right....THIRTEENTH MONTH FOR EVERYONE!!! Who says 13 is an unlucky number. It isn't if its attached to an extra paycheck.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

You whore.

Lisa said...

I will be landing in Houston on Friday--I will be thinking a big hello and Merry Christmas to you!!

Glad to know I am not such a Grinch to my paper person!!!

Lisa said...

Millie said 'whore' on your blog.

jams o donnell said...

Haha Good one Ewbl. It's good to see how a little extortion works wonders! I am in awe...

Leonardo DiCapitated said...

I say we cut Millie's head off.

Geosomin said...

Tips are cool.
I wish I'g get tipped in the lab. If I liked chocolates more I'd behappier...somehow labrat=chocolateeer.
I've been on a constant sugar high since last week...

Jean Knee said...

Using that banned Merry Christmas will surely loosen some tight wads after they read it, (well except for Jews, middle easterners, heathens, and pagans)

Neen said...

You are so clever! I'd defiantly give you a bigger tip if I received that card.

Annie said...

Having 6 people, including myself, in my family that work or have worked in the paper biz, I take the holiday tipping of carriers to heart. Especially the early morning crew.

I remember accompanying Carronin on her afternoon route. It was a lot of fun. We would buy a bunch of treats that the convenience store and then listen to 3 hours of Dr. Laura while we threw the papers. Good times, I tell ya, good times.

Bee said...

Here's a tip for you... Don't deliver to our office because Milton, the account, is a big meany pants to the delivery people. I've tried to get her to see the error of her ways but once a tight wad stick up her butt, always a tight wad stick up her butt!
Hope you get mucho mucho dinero!


click!

Melissa said...

Hurrah for the tips! I'm still trying to figure out if we're supposed to tip or get a gift for the mail man... do you know the protocol on this one?? We don't get the paper... but should I tip the person who delivers the neighbors paper??

mklasing said...

I don't get it either, but if you bring me one, I'll tip ya! Just wanted to stop by--love the site--I'm also a fellow Houston blogger and I just reviewed your blog on Humor-Blogs.com and gave it highest ratings! Keep up the good work--I'll definitely be back.

-Murphy

shay said...

I am laughing right out loud at your card! I'd tip ya:)
I don't get the paper though. Should I get a little something for my postie who makes the trek (well in her car anyway) everyday?

scraphappymama said...

You always leave me with a smile. I need a little of that humor in my life sometimes. I don't know how you come up with such witty stuff all the time. I struggle with my occassional blogging entries.

Alas, I did jazz up my blog a little - still not as fancy as yours!!

Dan said...

LOL!!!

I give tips to my newspaper guy all the time, like ... "Hey buddy, here's a good tip to keep in mind -- when the weatherman says a monsoon is going to arrive this morning, put the damned paper in a plastic bag".

I have given him many such tips over the years. :)

Lisa said...

Guess what the DJ on our local station was talking about today? Yep! When he was a paper boy and the tips and money he made. The others piped up saying they never see "paper boys" anymore. Then I felt better because I think it isn't the same here. And I thought of you and wished for you to get lots and lots of big tips!

carronin said...

The Christmas tips is the ONLY thing I miss about paper delivering. Okay I miss Dr. Laura too.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

As Huey Lewis would say....

"I'm taking what I'm giving cause I'm working for a living."

Oh, that man is soooooo quotable.

I got home from working all day and found 63 returned cards with tips in them from my customers. 63!!!! Score!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I think that according to etiquette dictates that newspaper carrier tips should range from 10-20 dollars. One lady sent me 75 bucks today. I about fell over. Another one sent a 25 dollar Olive Garden gift card. I'll be too stuffed from the Neverending Pasta Bowl Special to even be able to deliver her paper afterwards.

Mail carriers by law cannot accept cash or gift cards. That hasn't stopped me from giving my mail carrier Subway/Chik-Fil-A/McDonalds gift cards over the years, though. I've got a criminal mind.

Don't forget to give a modest tip to your trash guys too. They put up with your crap all year and a little monetary tribute might have them looking the other way when you have to dispose of bodies or something. We can't all pull a "Sweeney Todd" now can we?

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Mmmm.... suddenly I'm craving a meat pie...

Love that Dr. Laura.

aubrey said...

"According to statistics set forth by the prestigious BrownNose Institute, a daily ritual of butt-kissing yields staggeringly high returns. Wow, they are so right!"

i bow to that prestigious institute. they have the right idea. i hope you get high returns this year! Merry Christmas!!

Nancy Face said...

Thank you for the reminder...our newspaper carrier put a cute little poem in the envelope, and I need to get her tip in the mail!

But if she'd made me a Super Awesome Card like yours, I think I would have tripled the moolah!

Many happy RETURNS! $$$

Amber said...

Is the murder confessional on the next page?


Hmmmmmmmm....

Bee said...

I missed my second click of the day yesterday due to faulty internet access at home.
Can you believe my hub-bub and I had to ::gasp:: talk to each other last night since we couldn't surf the interworldweb?
Anyway work click!

Lisa said...

Yay for tips!!!! :)

Julie said...

You could always work as a physician's assistant at the hospital doing circumcisions.... Five bucks an hour plus tips.

Bee said...

home click!

Lisa said...

Ewww, Julie's comment!!


Merry Christmas, Elastic! I'm off to the "warmth" of the Texas sunshine.....

BarnGoddess said...

lol, my hubs read this and said I needed to get a paper route.....thanks...

Have a Merry Christmas!

Bee said...

Huey will go down!!
Too much information?
Sorry.

click from work!

Lauren said...

Me likey the card! I would send you 5 billion tips and I don't even care if you didn't give me paper!

b. said...

I'll bet Dr. Laura doesn't tip her paper carrier.

wynne said...

Nothin' like semi-anonymous threats to get the money rolling in and say "Merry Christmas!"

I applaud you, elastic.

Dan and Carmella Dunkin said...

Hey there, you left a comment on my article at Associated Content, so I came to read yours too. I enjoyed the way you wrote this up. You sound like you have very much the same outlook on your customers and delivery as hubby and I did. We always gave thank you notes with a homemade card to all who tipped us. We also wrote notes on a regular basis to our customers. They were always friendly, informative letters to help the customer stay on top of what was going on, so there were no surprises, like a raise in rate that they are not told about in the paper until a week before it happens! Our paper was good about that one. Also like you, we made our own cards, it was much more costly, but the tips we took in made it worth it. We had some awesome customers that we served for over 7 years, and when we left, we took in almost as many tips to help us on our cross countrty journey, as what we got at Christma time, and it was only from a small handful of people too! We generally averaged $1000.00 in tips at Christmas, and that came from less than 100 customers! We had some really good people that made up for all the deadbeat customers.

We are 1500 miles from that little town, but still have contact with a few of our customers. We were known as the best ever on the route, and that came from people who had taken the paper for over 20years! I sure do miss all the sweet customers we left behind that had litterally become part of our family.

I hope you made out well on tips this year, I know from being a carrier, you earned every tip you got, and more than deserved them!