It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

That's because all my hard work and effort in the usually thankless role of delivering newspapers 365 days a year will finally reap the rewards I so justly deserve. Yes, tis the season to be tipping. Fa La La La La La La La La! You can keep your gay apparel, just show me the money!

In Spanish speaking countries they celebrate something known as "The Thirteenth Month" where by law, yes, by law, those in servitude must be paid a month's wages as a Christmas bonus by their employers. Well, in the gloriously capitalistic society that is America we operate a bit differently. We extend our open hands while earnestly repeating, "GIMME GIMME GIMME!" The end result remains the same though, Christmas dinero for the lower caste, white trash, SPAM casserole-loving, peon peoples. That would be me.

I've thrown the same route for several years in a hoity-toity, la-di-frickin-da, country club kind of neighborhood. As an astute scholar of all things pertaining to free money, I've come to notice that a spirit of gratitude earns you a bigger payout.

My tip amounts have shown a steadily climbing increase from the same customers during my newspaper-throwing reign of terror. I can only attribute that to the fact that I hand-write thank you notes for each and every one, even if it's only 5 bucks. According to statistics set forth by the prestigious BrownNose Institute, a daily ritual of butt-kissing yields staggeringly high returns. Wow, they are so right!

I do feel impressed that someone would voluntarily take time out of their busy life and pay postage just to send me something. I don't play favorites, but let's just say that those who tip 50 dollars or more enjoy elite gold member benefits--benefits like having me come in to act as their personal page-turner so as not to sully their fingers with the horrors of newspaper ink. I adopted the slogan iterated in the Disney flick, "Lilo And Stitch" quite literally as my own when it comes to my tipping philosophy. "Nobody gets left behind or forgotten!" You've only been a customer for a week? No problem. That's plenty of good service given to reward your carrier for. You were gone on vacation when I distributed the card solicitation? No problem. I carry extras in my truck just especially for you upon your return. You only take the paper on Sunday? No problem. You should have lots of extra money laying around thanks to the money saving coupons in the Sunday paper. You got your paper service cut off for being a deadbeat? No problem. I still love you and won't harshly judge you like my boss does. Feel the love and send me a love offering!

This year I eschewed the standard Houston Chronicle printed cards and designed one on my own. So far, I'm on the path to a stellar, record setting tip season. I wonder if my super awesome card had something to do with it? Viva la 13th month!