There's a prophecy that tells of a devious and silver-fingered false prophet who will descend down upon an unsuspecting blogging people proclaiming himself as the "preeminent" authority of all things musically good and holy in an effort to lead them away from the truth. That false prophet is already here among us, and his name is Diesel. Don't be led astray by his charmingly deceptive ways because no matter what delusional things he asserts, Huey Lewis still doth bloweth.
Let not your hearts be troubled by this charlatan as he tries to woo you away to The Promised Land Of Huey Lewis. Sure, Diesel will cunningly lure in unwitting victims with whimsical tales of a golden, lite-rock Utopia when in actuality it's more akin to Pinochhio's Pleasure Island where the Huey Lewis-immersed inhabitants eventually find themselves transformed into blandly vanilla
azzes donkeys plopped on stools in a seedy old sports bar, mindlessly braying along to the horrors that only Huey's doo-wop vocals, interchangeable melodies, and predictable lyrics can bring. Friends, I am the chosen one to lead you towards musical truth and light.
Me and my posse of Huey Haters have our own slogan and everything.
Huey Lewis And The Old School News: "We hear him singin-- we hatin, he's the original white and nerdy. Holy cow, he's so white and nerdy."
Diesel is a self-admitted radio corruptician who will stop at nothing to sabotage the airwaves with his inane Huey Lewis song requests. The most dreaded words in radio history? "And now we present an All Day Huey Lewis Music Marathon." JT may be bringing 'SexyBack' but Diesel is hellbent on bringing 'HueyBack'--to what end one can only guess. Don't you ever sigh when you hear people phone in to the DJ asking for the same song thats inundated the radio for the past 25 years? I do, and I think "Shazam! Please for the love of all that is good and musically copacetic pack up your Huey Lewis Greatest Hits CD collection and go rendezvous with your Cult of Huey Lewis brethren down at the old roller disco rink turned fall-out shelter . There you can worship freely at the altar of Huey Lewis hidden away behind beer tab curtains and some faded Bananarama posters and spare the rest of us the agony."
Theres a time and a season for everything.......and Huey had joy, he had fun, he had seasons in the sun, but he's an 80's relic better left behind with parachute pants.
Cool is a rule, but sometimes... OK, pretty much all the time... Huey's bad. Personally, I Want A New Drug every time I have to involuntarily allow him to penetrate my sacred earhole.
One that'll make me unconscious-- dreaming of Mountain Dew-- one that makes me deaf when the radio plays yoooooouuuu, when the radio plays you.....
It's no longer hip to be square, y'all. We must march forward and embrace progress because yes, The Heart Of Rock N Roll is still beating. Only now its in the chests of flop-haired EMO boys and rap fusion groups. You have a huge devoted fan base, Diesel but do you really expect the music aficionados among them to stop the world and melt with you? This Huey obsession could lead to the dreaded slippery slope. Today Diesel's using a monogrammed Huey Lewis bib to sop up all the drool that spills forth whenever someone utters the trigger word 'Huey.' Tomorrow we could very well see him banging a cowbell in tribute to Loverboy or talking about a PB&D(Pat Benatar and Diesel) sandwich or he suddenly decides that he 'Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore' and it becomes all REO Speedwagon all the time. Posts about Rick Springfield can't be far behind.
I'm an avowed anti-Huey as shown in this post. In response, Diesel challenged me with a snipey '1 2 3 4, I declare a Huey War.' What could I do? I heeded the call. He's made terroristic threats that if I lose the Huey battle I must display his pathetic Huey Lewis banner for all of 2008 on my blog. The vile thing shamelessly pleads with people to sign a petition to send Huey off to the waiting arms of The Rock N Roll Hall of Fame. I don't negotiate with terrorists and neither should you. We must all unite as one to protest this affront to our auditory sensibilties and make signs that scream out:
LISTENING TO HUEY MAKES MY BOWELS GO ALL KABLEWIE!
ENJOY CHOP SUEY, NOT HUEY!
HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS LED ME TO A LIFE OF BOOZE!
MENTIONS OF HUEY MAKES ONLY DIESEL FEEL WET AND DEWY!
(I flunked out of The Academy For Incendiary Protest Sign Makers)
The moment of reckoning has arrived. Choose ye this day. Will you succumb to the mediocrity that pocks each and every grossly overplayed Huey tune or will you rise up and support me in my quest to banish blah and uninteresting music from permeating the blogosphere? VOTE NO TO ALL THINGS HUEY! A vote for me keeps this blog definitely Huey-Free permanently for all eternity. Yippee!