Thursday, December 20, 2007

Huey Haters Of The World Unite!

Ain't No Livin In A Perfect World........
but this in-your-face graphic declaring my blog a magically enchanted Huey Lewis-Free Xanadu is a pretty dang good start towards perfection!

There's a prophecy that tells of a devious and silver-fingered false prophet who will descend down upon an unsuspecting blogging people proclaiming himself as the "preeminent" authority of all things musically good and holy in an effort to lead them away from the truth. That false prophet is already here among us, and his name is Diesel. Don't be led astray by his charmingly deceptive ways because no matter what delusional things he asserts, Huey Lewis still doth bloweth.

Let not your hearts be troubled by this charlatan as he tries to woo you away to The Promised Land Of Huey Lewis. Sure, Diesel will cunningly lure in unwitting victims with whimsical tales of a golden, lite-rock Utopia when in actuality it's more akin to Pinochhio's Pleasure Island where the Huey Lewis-immersed inhabitants eventually find themselves transformed into blandly vanilla azzes donkeys plopped on stools in a seedy old sports bar, mindlessly braying along to the horrors that only Huey's doo-wop vocals, interchangeable melodies, and predictable lyrics can bring. Friends, I am the chosen one to lead you towards musical truth and light.

Me and my posse of Huey Haters have our own slogan and everything.
Huey Lewis And The Old School News: "We hear him singin-- we hatin, he's the original white and nerdy. Holy cow, he's so white and nerdy."

Diesel is a self-admitted radio corruptician who will stop at nothing to sabotage the airwaves with his inane Huey Lewis song requests. The most dreaded words in radio history? "And now we present an All Day Huey Lewis Music Marathon." JT may be bringing 'SexyBack' but Diesel is hellbent on bringing 'HueyBack'--to what end one can only guess. Don't you ever sigh when you hear people phone in to the DJ asking for the same song thats inundated the radio for the past 25 years? I do, and I think "Shazam! Please for the love of all that is good and musically copacetic pack up your Huey Lewis Greatest Hits CD collection and go rendezvous with your Cult of Huey Lewis brethren down at the old roller disco rink turned fall-out shelter . There you can worship freely at the altar of Huey Lewis hidden away behind beer tab curtains and some faded Bananarama posters and spare the rest of us the agony."

Theres a time and a season for everything.......and Huey had joy, he had fun, he had seasons in the sun, but he's an 80's relic better left behind with parachute pants.
Cool is a rule, but sometimes... OK, pretty much all the time... Huey's bad. Personally, I Want A New Drug every time I have to involuntarily allow him to penetrate my sacred earhole.
One that'll make me unconscious-- dreaming of Mountain Dew-- one that makes me deaf when the radio plays yoooooouuuu, when the radio plays you.....

It's no longer hip to be square, y'all. We must march forward and embrace progress because yes, The Heart Of Rock N Roll is still beating. Only now its in the chests of flop-haired EMO boys and rap fusion groups. You have a huge devoted fan base, Diesel but do you really expect the music aficionados among them to stop the world and melt with you? This Huey obsession could lead to the dreaded slippery slope. Today Diesel's using a monogrammed Huey Lewis bib to sop up all the drool that spills forth whenever someone utters the trigger word 'Huey.' Tomorrow we could very well see him banging a cowbell in tribute to Loverboy or talking about a PB&D(Pat Benatar and Diesel) sandwich or he suddenly decides that he 'Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore' and it becomes all REO Speedwagon all the time. Posts about Rick Springfield can't be far behind.

I'm an avowed anti-Huey as shown in this post. In response, Diesel challenged me with a snipey '1 2 3 4, I declare a Huey War.' What could I do? I heeded the call. He's made terroristic threats that if I lose the Huey battle I must display his pathetic Huey Lewis banner for all of 2008 on my blog. The vile thing shamelessly pleads with people to sign a petition to send Huey off to the waiting arms of The Rock N Roll Hall of Fame. I don't negotiate with terrorists and neither should you. We must all unite as one to protest this affront to our auditory sensibilties and make signs that scream out:

LISTENING TO HUEY MAKES MY BOWELS GO ALL KABLEWIE!

ENJOY CHOP SUEY, NOT HUEY!

HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS LED ME TO A LIFE OF BOOZE!

MENTIONS OF HUEY MAKES ONLY DIESEL FEEL WET AND DEWY!

(I flunked out of The Academy For Incendiary Protest Sign Makers)

The moment of reckoning has arrived. Choose ye this day. Will you succumb to the mediocrity that pocks each and every grossly overplayed Huey tune or will you rise up and support me in my quest to banish blah and uninteresting music from permeating the blogosphere? VOTE NO TO ALL THINGS HUEY! A vote for me keeps this blog definitely Huey-Free permanently for all eternity. Yippee!


*Special thanks to Huey Haters President, NCS for her mad photoshop brilliance and to the always pithy, Millie*

31 comments:

Maddy said...

Sad but true. Seasonal in 1980's a bit past his sell by date in 2007.
Cheers

This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"which takes you straight to my new blog.

Bee said...

Tell me what High School they'd play at and I’ll show a bunch of under-achievers!

Boo-ey for Hue-ey!

Lia said...

I've never even heard of him. Do I get points for that?

Jean Knee said...

I didn't realize anyone even remembered, much less worshipped, someone as milquetoast as Huey.

Why don't we dust off all the old Tiffany albums while we're at it?

Melissa said...

I'm not a hater... but Huey isn't on a 10 ten list anywhere in my life... what catagory does that put me in??

Jean Knee said...

vote no Melissa

jams o donnell said...

Ach 80s beige music.. bleurrgh! He can redeem himself as Debbie Gibson did when she teamed up with teh Circle Jerks to cover a Robyn Hitchcock song. On the other hand the thought of Huey Lewis singing Balloon Man fills me with dread.

I'm fully behind you on this one!

SherryTex said...

It is with a heavy heart that I confess, I went to Huey Lewis and the News' Sports Concert when they hit the rocking town of Beaumont.

My only excuse was I am a child of the music taste impaired 80's and saw and liked Xanadu. I was 14at the time. I repent of my musical transgressions and beg forgiveness.

aubrey said...

oh NO!! the huey haters are LOSING! how can this be?! we're outnumbered by almost double. people must be sneaking on here and clicking the huey-love. i'll fix that. be right back.

renalfailure said...

You have meddled with the primal forces of nature... and Huey will make sure you atone.

No Cool Story said...

Boo-ey for Hue-ey!

Oh ah, let't see:
Hey hey
ho ho
Huey Lewis got to go!

ANd of course my fav:
Si se puede!

Chris C said...

Wanted to come by and let you know I just finished my blog post of the coverage of the Huey/Anti-Huey Duel.

Enjoy :)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Okay, I'm finishing up Christmasy stuff today and that means less blogging time but I'm laughing at all the attention that a guy who hasn't had a hit song in 16 years can dredge up. Thanks SherryTX, renal failure, and Chris C......

Will nobody at least recognize that I got some huevos to go up against the Grand Poobah of humor-blogs that comes equipped with his own little legion of adoring fans? Yeah, I do got some grande huevos....well, actually they're more like hemorrhoidal leftovers from birthing a half-dozen children, but whatever, we can pretend.

I have until December 31 to rally up the Anti-Huey force.......

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Thank you Huey Haters for your support. We won't go without a fight!!!!

Bee said...

Yup! Massive Huevos!!!! I've warned my peeps that they better not vote for Huey or else it'll be Kohl's Christmas as in anything I can buy for 50 cents at Kohl's is what they'll get!

Nancy Face said...

WHAT THE CABBAGE?! The Smiling Infidel is #7...and I helped! ;)

Nancy Face said...

My hubby likes Huey, or at least he used to. I personally don't really care, because I never have to hear his music, er...junk being played, but I voted with the haters 'cause I'm an Infidel fan, and I'm cool like that!

mklasing said...

I LOVE 80's music--maybe because I was in high school from 82-86--but I must say, with the exception of "Do You Believe in Love"--I can't listen to Huey any more--all the songs are the same, repetitive nonsense and by the end of "Hip to Be Square" I can feel droplets of blood coming out of my ears. So I voted overrated hack--but I do so love "Do you Believe in Love"--I think I need therapy for my split decision.

Lauren said...

Sadly, Lauren's friends are right. I posted about Colton because I was sad he didn't get cast...and I think I may go cry some more right now...here is the link from my post from a week or so ago:
http://laurensbite.blogspot.com/2007/12/they-found-edwardjust-not-my-edward.html

Tear!

Diesel said...

I like how you're already working on your concession speech. "At least I tried...."

Never underestimate the Power of Love.

Huey got me through high school, and I'll never forget that. He sat behind me in algebra.

shay said...

I can't...
thanks ALOT...now I have stupid Huey Lewis in my head. "Hip to Be Square" Did we really listen to that? I was always a proud hater of all things Lewis!
Now give me some vintage U2 and I'm there!

thanks for the pre-Christmas laugh!

Lauren said...

I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!

My ex-boyfriend who was the ugliest, stupidest, poopiest piece of vermin aka "he-who-must-not-be-named" loved Hugh...therefore I hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

You go girl.

and yes, Edward is supposed to be beautiful! What the heck!!! How could they do this to me?

Arugula Queen said...

I wouldn't even let Huey into the Arugula section at the farmer's market to play a concert.....he'd make all the lettuce wilt like he makes my man's, well, just you never mind.

Elizabeth-W said...

I want to you to know I voted no on Huey. So who the heck is voting yes?! It's 66-34% or something like that. Sad, sad, sad.

Melissa said...

Okay... I came back and voted no... but only because you asked so nicely! :)

Bee said...

::weeping:: Moonlight is a rerun tonight! And not the cool Rerun that did that awesome dance from "what's happenin'".
VOTE FOR RERUN INSTEAD OF HUEY!!!

Large Marge said...

That Huey Lewis looks like a bed wetter

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Yeah Marge. Thats what The News is for. News as in newspaper to sop up his Huey pee messes.

I wonder if theres a celebrity discount on adult diapers? Maybe he can pull a June Lockhart and shill for Depends?

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Where's Gwyneth Paltrow when all this is going on? I loved it when they were cruisin together.

Sorry I almost died on the phone when we were talking about Huey, but, that's pretty much what he does to me - inspires deadly coughing fits.

"Hip to be Square" is only good when watching Naked Gun 33 1/3. There's a hilarious accidental kidnapping, grapefruit pile-dismantling, stranger-squeezing scene.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

"I'm afraid you're just too darn loud."

Anonymous said...

Huey was one of the best musical genuises of the 80's, and has some of the best songs of all time. The Heart of Rock & Roll will continue to beat no matter how hard you try to stop it. Go Diesel!