Friday, January 25, 2008

Love Is In The Air......And Not Even Lysol Spray Can Stop It!

Listen up men: The Valentine's Day Countdown has begun ticking away. You only have 3 weeks left to procure the perfect gift for your very special lady.

Heart-shaped boxes of gooey chocolate, floral bouquets, novelty jewelry, edible underwear; those Valentine present ideas are played out and blandly predictable. Luckily for you though, I'm more than willing to assume the role of The Smiling Infidel Cupid to assist you in making a unique and creative gift choice this Valentine's--one that your sweetheart will swoon with unfettered delight over and rejoice that she's gotten herself such a considerate man that anticipates her every need and desire.


Yes, my inventive yet practical female urinal pulls double duty for your on-the-go gal. It's a portable toilet slash beautifully hand-painted vase all in one!

Guys, tell her you love every single last part of her right down to her urethra. This gift assures your special love that you regard her luscious derriere as simply too good to plop down on a filthy public restroom commode seat and that you're making a pre-emptive move to prevent her from being bitten by venomous South American spiders lurking underneath or contracting an irritating urinary tract infection.

The durable beauty of this urinal will undoubtedly ensure that only her heart is full of love for you.........and not her bladder.

*humor-blogs.com only gave their sweetheart a mayonnaise jar for Valentine's Day last year*

45 comments:

b. said...

First?

b. said...

Really?

b. said...

well, anyway....at work, we use urinals for flowers all the time. But sometimes, we've used them to drink out of.
Throw up basins for our M&M's.
We have no shame.

b. said...

ps. Did you take me off your sidebar AGAIN?

Nancy Face said...

I've just gotta have me one of those!

Nancy Face said...

I'll make sure Kris Face reads this!

Nancy Face said...

Just last week he asked me what I'd like for Valentine's Day, and all I could think of was a card. A stinkin' CARD...when I could have THIS?

You've rescued me from my foolishness.

Millie said...

Please tell me you didn't decorate that thing with stickers.

"right down to her urethra" - HA! I should wake up the Gimp and ask his opinion on this. "Bunny... do you love my urethra?"

Bee said...

You had me at "urethra"!
That would come in handy for me since the public toilet in the office is always sprayed with neon yellow... goo! ::blech::

glittersmama said...

I love the kids modeling your Valentine's Day idea. And really? You decorated it?

Rebecca said...

*snort* That is too funny. The sad thing is I would really love to have that my emergency car kit. Squatting in the bushes is only easy if you're wearing a dress and no underpants. Since I am not of the hoochie variety, this could come in handy! Plus, the pretty feminine stickers might make my sons not want to use it.

Too bad I already bought my own VD (No, not 'venereal disease'!) present. I bought this foot care kit thingy on clearance at Bath and Body Works, and was thinking of taking it back but it didn't have a tag and they get kind of snobby there. So, I told James to give it to me for Valentine's Day. My toesies will look luscious in vinyl red polish!

Interesting word verif: yrabaeog. What's a 'baeog'?

Rebecca said...

I know I just left a book, but had to say that I couldn't help myself. I started at the beginning of your archives and am going to read them ALL! I'm not a weird stalker, I promise. You're so funny that I HAVE to read them!

Millie said...

Rebecca, it's worth every moment.

Stacey said...

Nothing says I love you like the word "urethra". *swoon*

jams o donnell said...

What an excellent idea. When we had a new bathroon fitted a few ago, I was so disappointed that the toilet was unusable as a planter. I was going to clear an area in the flower bed for it too! As a consolation the bath made an excellent planter though

on.the.run said...

My two worst fears combined - dirty public restrooms and spiders - I think I need my own pee jar.

Diesel said...

Humor-Blogs.com, in fact, doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day. It only celebrates Inappropriate Card Day, on Feb. 26. This is going to be the best one ever.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Number one, that female urinal is indeed hand-painted by me in afestive ditsy flower pattern. Clickety on it for a closer view. Number two, I posted about it two years ago when I gave it to my gay warehouse manager. Yeah, I recycled my own pictures but I wrote a completely different post to go with it.

B.- I took you off the link list when you pulled down your blog. You're back in the safety and comfort of my sidebar again though. :)

I picked up the female urinal dirt cheap at Kroger's in their clearance basket. It's best if you not ask any more questions beyond that. kthxbai.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Rebecca-I'm terrible at responding to comments lately and I'm getting ready to go on a blog break after I post all my Valentine's Day craziness. But thanks so much for the ego inflation!!

Diesel- I can't wait. It'll be the one time of year that I can use my hidden away dirty limerick skills for good and greeting card mirth.

aubrey said...

aaarghh! my eyes are burning. i just read "urethra" aah! it takes a lot to make me blush, but for some reason that word is doing the trick. and seriously? 3 weeks. crap. i better get on redenvelope and buy paul those dirty saying collar stays.

Maddy said...

Eek, I've never even heard of such a thing. 3 weeks countdown? Already? I think maybe romance has died around here, or maybe just flushed away.
Cheers

b. said...

oh 'lastic....I feel much better now.
I left off the part where we don't decorate our "vases" NEARLY as BEAUTIFULLY as you did. Do you think you could come and do an inservice? We could use some of that skill!

Jean Knee said...

You need to start taking orders now if your customers are to recieve them in time for Valentine's Day. Put me in for one, it's my mom's 70 th birthday next week.

No Cool Story said...

Aww, the romantic side of The Infidel.
I see no better way to kick start the season of love and romance.

Thanks!

Millie said...

Urethra Franklin is a popular Mad Libs name at our house. FYI.

Rising Rainbow said...

Oh geez, you are so right about the valentine countdown. It's not even Feb yet and the commercials and ads are everywhere. lol

SherryTex said...

Does it come in your choice of colors?

Package it as a complimentary accessory to the wii and you got a sure fire winner!

shay said...

I am laughing so hard at this. Is it for real?! And so practical too! There are moments in a traffic jam that's I've wished for just this item. hmmm.....NOPE...couldn't do it lol.

I hope I'll get more Lulu. Guilt is a wonderful guilt motivator and he's never been great at V-day so much guilt to make up for lol. :)

Amber said...

Now THAT is the perfect Valentine's Day gift for the woman who has fallen from her pedestal of "Camel of the Pee World" into the great urinary depths below....

Palm Springs Savant said...

Valentine's Day is one of my favorite "holidays". I just love the flowers and heart shaped candy boxes.

wynne said...

BLOGGER ATE MY COMMENT! (I don't know why. It couldn't have been relatively tasty--it was all about urinals for women. Who would want to eat that? Or receive flowers in one?)

Hmm. Maybe one of these would come in handy on a road trip...? No. A woman's body just isn't made for the convenient disposal of waste...

Jean Knee said...

Where's mu urinal vase??? my mom's birthday is on Sunday. I was planning on making a bouquet of my white feminine pad roses to go in the vase. That way you have all your feminine needs in one convenient, decorative thing a ma jigg.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

My kids are sick and I haven't been sleeping very well lately. :(

If you're looking for something fun to do why don't you try responding to this cheeky post I wrote about Rachael Ray oversaturation last year. It's really attracting some bubbleheaded Rachael Ray fanatics much to my amusement.
Rachael Ray Is The Queen Of Useless Acronyms

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm not sure why people bother writing pissy comments a year after the fact when a post is long gone and forgotten. I didn't even write anything excessively mean either.

Lauren said...

Oooo...I hope to be getting one of them!

Marie said...

Also it makes it easier to blog for hours on end without having to get up!

carronin said...

Your creativity is boundless!

wynne said...

Command the wee infidels to get better. After all, you are the Great Commander Infidel and Your Word Is Law. Right?
...
no?
...
Crap. And I thought it was just me that was unable to command my child to stop being sick.

Feel better, Infidel family! Or I will have to mail you chicken soup (which will get really nasty in the mail and probably leak all over everything).

Sketchy said...

And you said you weren't a crafter!

mklasing said...

obviously you have not met my wife--a gift like this may as well come with a divorce petition. ;)

the frogster said...

My wife's favorite Valentine's Day gift from me was a power drill.

Really.

No Cool Story said...

I miss you YO!

Millie said...

I hope you're out picking flowers for your urinal vase right now, or doing something equally fun.

Melissa said...

Hmmm... perhaps these would be good for 72 hour kits.
The Rachel Ray post was funny... I've always wondered why she says the acronym and then tells you what it stands for almost every time. So, um, what is the point of the acronym? "Pour a little EVOO - that's extra virgin olive oil - in the pan..." Isn't the point of an acronym to make things shorter? She just makes everything longer by using it and then explaining it. Okay. I'm done now.
Hope y'all are feeling better!

Annie said...

So, how many Smiling Infidelitos does it take to decorate a female urinal?