Friday, March 28, 2008

Come On In And Have A Seat!

I'm not quite sure how I should handle a delicate situation that's erupted between me and one of my kitchen chairs. It's as though this chair is determined to rebel and break out of the pack no matter how much kindness I show towards it. I don't have these issues with the 7 other kitchen chair siblings that I lovingly adopted from Goodwill last year. I guess that statistically speaking I'm fortunate to have only ended up with one bad seed, but lately my chair has been taking some rather inappropriate liberties with my rear end. I have to draw the line somewhere. I can no longer tolerate this kind of booty harassment in the sanctity of my home.

Yeah, my chair seat has a break.....a fissure......a crevice.....a crack....a line of demarcation that perfectly matches my own line of demarcation located right down the middle of my butt cheeks.

Whenever I think that we've worked out all our problems and it's safe to sit down once more, the sneaky chair will go and pinch me bum all over again. I got my derriere lecherously pinched quite a bit in my younger years so I've built up some sort of a grab-azz immunity. It's Papi that I'm really concerned about. See, like most hetero males he feels threatened if anything or anyone touches the preciousness of his mocha posterior. After being repeatedly victimized, Papi now swears that our kitchen chair is gay. I disagree. The chair seems to enjoy an equal opportunity pincher status. It's also divided in two. So, obviously, it's a bi-chair.

Since it's nearly impossible to curtail the wily impulses of a bi-chair, I think we're going to have to just sell it. I'm thinking about making it part of a Do-It-Yourself kit for the lovelorn. The kit will include a vacuum cleaner (vitally necessary for creating self-induced hickeys), a hand-held shower massager :), and the pinchy-chair to recapture a time when your butt was irresistible to the pervy and lobster-clawed. I'm secretly hoping the Sit And Be Fit exercise lady on PBS will buy it as a ratings gimmick with people tuning in just to see the reaction of that one old fart unlucky enough to get stuck with the bi-chair that week.

Just think of the rousing games of Musical Chairs to be had! Just think of sitting relatives you despise in the chair at family gatherings! Just think of the butt boils you can lance yourself at home! There's nothing the bi-chair can't do. So, who is willing to take on the duties of Infidel Chairperson in 2008?



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27 comments:

Bee said...

FIRST!!!

Bee said...

I'll come back to read since I'm at work but I came to click and noticed you had a new post!

Tracy said...

Yuck, now I have a horrible picture of butt boils in my head.
You know, we're in the market for chairs. It's a shame you don't have more than one bi-chair. I would have considered it then.
Good luck with the sale.

Stacey said...

You make it sound so irresistable!

However I have enough demon chairs in my house at the moment.

Carrot Jello said...

Can you say chair pad from Big Lots?

Annie said...

I think I see "La Virgen de Guadalupe."

lynndeepoo said...

It's nothing a little wood glue couldn't fix. Or shoe-goo. Try shoe-goo. Stuff works on everything. Us thrift store junkies have to stick together.

Hey It's Di said...

I'm telling you, I love a good pinch every now and then! I like the idea of having it around for the in-laws or guests I despise to sit in.

Does that work on butt boils? We tried a heated pop bottle once. . I'll save that story but DON'T try it!

I may really enjoy that chair. Might just be the most action I get in day;)

Tori :) said...

A gay chair, hmmm.... I never would have guessed.

Jean Knee said...

I used to have one of those hand held shower massage things but a rivalry between it and my hub broke out, not a pretty sight.

aubrey said...

ouch. i must say that i've been pinched by a chair before and it hurt so bad i never once thought of it as a come-on.

glittersmama said...

That crack looks a little left of center, but I don't think I won't to know that kind of intimate detail about someone that I've never met.

Bee said...

"pinchy-chair" BWAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHA!

I bid $3 and wobbly stool.

Melissa said...

I'm afraid that's just not my thing... I'm gonna pass on the pinching bi-chair!

Nancy Face said...

Butt boils? HAHAHA!

I'm sounding like a hyena right about now! :D

the Bag Lady said...

Keep it for the nasty-ass despised relatives....

No Cool Story said...

Two words: Plastic chairs.

The wave of the future.

on.the.run said...

There was a chair at work that was a total booby-trap... people kept putting it in my office and I kept falling to the floor...

Amber said...

I sat on our chair and it broke two weeks ago.

If that is not a sign for me to start my diet, I don't know what is!!!!

Lisa said...

All of our chairs are broken. The seats are covered in fabric and none of them will hold a screw so none are attached. My hubby LOVES when he sits down and the whole thing shifts. But I say it makes eating dinner more lively. I am sure you put on a great show for your family. Little yelps and screams of joy from all the butt pinching going on. You lucky girl.

Jean Knee said...

I've never been pinched or groped by a chair.

do you think it's my breath?

Fiar said...

I'm not sitting anywhere until you move the thumb out of the way.

I'm just sayin'

jams o donnell said...

You should take it to the Antiques Roadshow. You have a rare pice of furniture there. Most people will have heard of Shaker furniture, many will own Wobbler furniture (that's common - it has one leg shorter than the others) but why you have is a perfect example of Gooser work!

Palm Springs Savant said...

That is hilarious, I am just getting over a cold/cough and this made me laugh, then cough uncontrollably for a few minutes! ah that was fun.

Rebecca said...

"After being repeatedly victimized, Papi now swears that our kitchen chair is gay."

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I laughed out loud! I also feel badly for you, since your..um..posterior is lopsided. Why, do you ask, would I say that? Because you said, and I quote:

"a line of demarcation that perfectly matches my own line of demarcation located right down the middle of my butt cheeks." The crack is on the side of the chair, so.....

And I kid you not, we have a chair, different color, split just like that. Professor gets to sit on it. I value my hiney too much.

Rebecca said...

I just read Jams' comment.

*snicker, snicker, snort*. I love it!

Millie said...

OUCH! My butt!!

Sit and Be Fit Lady is so tiny, she'd probably fall right through.