Monday, March 24, 2008

A Very Special Infidel Easter Episode Without Any Special Guest Star Appearances

We're bonafide Infidels, so naturally we celebrated the resurrection of our Savior yesterday because that's just what bonafide Infidels do. However, if you assume that we traveled the traditional super-suburbanite route by getting the mini-Infidels all gussied up in matching pinafore dresses and pastel seersucker pants for a picture with the Easter Bunny followed by a gay afternoon coloring eggs, you'd be wrong. First of all, calling eggs "colored" seems racially insensitive and I certainly didn't want the E.E.O.C to show up and squash our Easter fun. Instead, we started a new tradition. I didn't have time to fill plastic eggs and hide them like I usually do so I instructed the mini-Infidels to gather around in the living room with their baskets and then we played a little game I like to call "Easter Parade." I pretended to be a giant parade float coincidentally constructed out of elastic waistband pants and an obnoxious 'Where My Peeps At?' T-shirt to look exactly like me. Wow. So there I was, gliding gracefully down the carpeted thoroughfare, tossing candy and treats out wildly to the enthusiastic parade crowd as I passed by. It was chaotic, sure, but nobody got maimed or flattened in a frenzied Skittles stampede, so it's all good.

The two eldest Infidel daughters put the squishy, glitter putty they caught during the grand Infidel Easter parade to good use. Infidel daughter the second lovingly crafted hers into a gelatinous thong bikini. It's not one of the Ten Commandments but I'm relatively sure it's written somewhere that Thou Shalt Not Construct Thongs Out Of Silly Putty On The Sabbath Day Nor Easter.

We shopped at Sam's Club on Saturday to prepare for our gala Easter dinner and Sunbum pointed out this box. Yeah, inexplicably, the words: DO NOT CRAB is printed on it. Who do those Chinese think they are telling us not to crab like that? Maybe it was a misprint and it should have read: DO NOT CRAP. The Chinese want us to stop crapping so that we all self-implode. Sneaky Chinese. They really are out to get us..

Melody desperately needs a new bed but we just don't have the space for one. Luckily for us, Sam's Club sells a practical bedding solution for the low, low price of $24.99. Melody gave her new sleeping arrangements the all-important butt-plopping test right there on the Sam's Club floor while striking a Cleopatra pose for the camera. It's a bed fit for a dog named Queen!

Cheese Balls!
Oh, those poor, pitiful little cheeses having to live life without their balls. :(

We chose the herb-marinated salmon for our main course and washed it down with a robust and fragrant grape juice vintage 2007 from the Kroger frozen aisle vineyards. Yeah, I know that you're not supposed to drink white grape juice or swill from wine glasses filled with Hi-C Punch when dining on fish. We're not completely unrefined heathens, even though we are eating off of melamine plates I scored for cheeep at Target and drinking from dollar store plastic cups.


Thank you for joining us on this very special Infidel Easter Episode. No chocolate bunnies were harmed in the making of this post........ mainly because we don't buy chocolate bunnies until they hit 75% off at the After-Easter Sales.

CLICKETY! Gracias.
Humor-Blogs.com

31 comments:

Elizabeth-W said...

Ah...the ubiquitous Tabasco.
At our house, it's Sriracha.
Happy Easter!!

Millie said...

And a wonderful Easter story it was.

I think there actually is a non-Sabbath-thong-making commandment. Let me check Gospel Principles and get back to you.

Carrot Jello said...

Ah, a girl who likes her tartar sauce.

It's Just me! said...

My husband had to come and see what I was giggling wildly over. Cheese balls!! You are too funny for words! I get such great ideas from you. An Easter parade with you as the float? I love the thought completely & just may have to give it a try so that I don't offend the E.E.O.C. next year:)

No Cool Story said...

Thank you to the Infidels for keeping an eye on International Insultisity.
How dare they say "do not crab"!
Heck, We can crab if we want to!
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't crab and if they don't crab
Well they're no friends of mine

elasticwaistbandlady said...

We can crab if we want to. If we don't nobody will, NCS!

Maybe I'm the one making wild assumptions. Perhaps China stamped that on the box to warn us against STD's. They don't want us to get crabs, NCS!!! Awwww, they really are looking out for our best interests. Besos to China!!!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

elizabeth- SHAME ON YOU! You weren't supposed to blow that picture up. The kitchen floor looks dirty, we're sitting around in our T-shirts/undershirts and we're dining on a snowflake themed tablecloth that I scored at the Dollar Store for 50 cents.

The flake thing is year-round in this house. We are flaky.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

carrot- That's not tartar sauce. :) I may have to put on my big fancy chef hat I made from stapling a plastic Kroger bag to a strip of cardboard and become The Smiling Infidel Gourmet again to show the ease and deliciousness of my salmon recipe and the accompanying sauce.

I'm a saucy gal, Carrot.

Millie- But the commandment against visible panty lines makes the thong one even more confusing.

It's Just Me- I scored the 'Where My Peeps At?' T-shirt at Walgreens last year for a buck. That's a very important element. You must have that Peeps shirt to be a credible Easter float. Also, don't throw out party beads or you'll have your living room full of people flashing you their chestal goodies.

Bee said...

Yeah, I'm coming over for dinner at your house. Only, can you make chicken?

Jill said...

I'm waiting for the Cadbury creme eggs to be on sale for 75% off.
Now there's a sale I can truly appreciate.
FYI, if you have one of those big jars of cheese balls, and you leave them in the garage all summer long (the kids were snacking on them from time to time) after a while, they taste really nasty. Of course, they may have tasted bad to start with......

Lori said...

ROFLMAO!!!!! I, too, absolutely LOVE the idea of the parade! LOLOL That is such a great idea!

I thoroughly enjoyed your Easter story.

I think we need to start a charity for the many cheese's who lose their balls to the food industry. It's despicable!

Are you sure that box is from China...? The one that says not to crab? Maybe it was actually from Maine...

glittersmama said...

oh man. I forgot about the after-Easter candy sale. I have to go shopping now! I need some stale peeps.

Nancy Face said...

No pinafores or seersucker pants at MY house, either! I've almost never done the new Easter outfit thing...I just didn't get the point of it!

Nancy Face said...

I LOVE the idea of your elastic waistband pants/Peeps shirt parade float! So hilarious! So chaotic! So crowd pleasing! :D

Wish I'd thought of it!

Nancy Face said...

I laughed and laughed about those poor pitiful cheese balls...

...then I noticed that the Infidel boys looked truly concerned, and I felt bad for laughing.

Nancy Face said...

Did you say SALMON?

Where's mine? I kid you not...I am SOOO coveting your dinner.

Hey, your melamine is quite a step up from the leftover paper plates I found in the Easter decoration box! :)

Jean Knee said...

the parade sounds fantastic. it would be better if, next year, you wear one of yo mama's elastic pants/banded tops with matching appliques outfit for extra festiveness

aubrey said...

aww, what a sweet easter it looks like you all had. and those poor cheeses.

Stacey said...

I will never again see a bucket of cheese balls without laughing.

Yeah that's right,I laugh at the cheese's pain.

Lisa said...

I would have loved to be at the Infidel parade and so would my kids.

You are a marvy cook, Elastic. My kids ate Boca's on Easter. We didn't celebrate because someone in our family was off working and didn't want to be left out. We feel it is fine to change the dates of major holidays and celebrate them as we please.

Next week....we will eat well.

Lisa said...

I love the cheese ball picture. Look at your boys! Adorable.

VE said...

I don't think its very safe to gather that many cheese balls into a single area...

Jean Knee said...

some day can I have my own Elastic parade?? You can throw mini eggs, mini Julies , and mini belly button lint clothing at me.

pleeeaaase

Melissa said...

It's so sad to be LDS at times... we make a fancy pants meal and serve it with Kool Aid. Sigh...
Glad you had a great Easter :)

Annie said...

If I believed in reincarnation, I would want to come back as Mini Infidel. Dog beds, endless supply of cheeze balls, and punch! Sounds like heaven.

Tracy said...

Do people stare at you funny when you're making your kids pose for pictures with big buckets of cheesballs in the middle of Sams?
Honestly, I love that you take these pictures.
And I'm glad to hear you all had a great Easter!
I love the putty thong idea! It sounds like something you would see on Americas Next Top Model!

123checkoutthefamily said...

I'm loving the putty faces.hahaha

Millie said...

I will never eat a cheese ball without feeling sympathy for some little cheese out there somewhere... ever again.

There's a visible panty lines commandment? Good thing I don't wear 'em.

Amber said...

Such a delightful fete. But you didn't mention the dress code. Were there thongs involved? I am sure many a man would like to make that the 11th commandment....

Lauren said...

Those Chinese are always thinking of ways to get all up in our business. They should just feed us some authentic Mexican food, it sure kept me from crapping.

on.the.run said...

too many funny parts... I wouldn't know where to start. Cheese balls I guess.