Monday, April 14, 2008

Infidel Parenting Pointers: Prolonging The Life Of Your Crayons


Do you silently cringe whenever you have to blow 4-5 bucks on a giant box of name-brand Crayola crayons for your child only to see those crayons mashed into the carpet/snapped into pieces/wrapper-less/crayon tip-circumcised/used for furniture graffiti just a few scant days later?

We all know that purchasing cheaply-made generic crayons isn't the solution either because they're too wax-heavy and ineffective to create any artistic feats of wonder. Seriously, you'd be better off in your coloring ventures using the waxy Paris Hilton dummy from Madame Tussauds than inferior crayons imported from China.

So, what to do? Simple. The answer is in black and white. Only purchase coloring books for your children that feature black bears, zebras, pandas, and black panthers. (Make sure you're buying the animal kingdom's version of the black panther and not the supremacist organization. That could be problematic.) See, those species are already printed in their natural coloring. There's no need to sully any of your crayons. Genius. To continue on in the name of crayon preservation you must also steer your children away from any of those pesky, imaginative outbursts. Yes, they may gush excitedly, talking about how cute a purple, polka-dotted panda would look, but you must squash that creative uprising before they want to utilize and ultimately destroy all the colors in the box.

Happy Coloring!
*This Parenting Pointer Tip Brought To You By The Crayon Conservation Coalition*

22 comments:

damon said...

The CCC is an outstanding organization and they do great work in the field of waxy, colored thing conservation.
I always thought white crayons were about the meanest thing to give a kid. 'Til I had to scrub red out of tan carpet.

click'

Meg said...

The whole crayon/marker thing is why I couldn't wait for my kids to grow out of the arts and crafts stage and learn to play video games!

Bee said...

Hmmmm... I'm all into polka dotted pandas so I'm in deep doo doo!

Nancy Face said...

Where were you when the Face kids were little? :0

Nancy Face said...

Hey...I could possibly have grandkids in 5 years or so! :D

Nancy Face said...

"Crayon tip-circumcised..."

Poor little crayons, haha! :D

Suzanne said...

Hey, at this point I'll take picking crayon out of the carpet over markers. Markers should just be banned from our home. Period! :(

Can we click more than once on the humor blog link to count it? If so, I will be going clickty on the link for you all day! :)

Lisa said...

The only way my kids could color with crayons or markers when they were young was to be belted into this little booster chair. It kept the marker off the wall, but not off the body. I have the best picture of Amanda covered in marker. I love it!!!

Off subject: I was wondering if you have any recommendations for a Gothic Novel for my 15 year old to read. She has to do this for her English class and has to take extensive notes, so the length is of concern. I am hoping with your homeschooling background you may have something. :) Thanks.

what's a donzer said...

It's brilliant. Your story made me think of my Crayola experiences with the numbnuts at my local Chilis. Ever since my daughter was about three months old, the Chilis waiter du jour would bring her crayons to play with at the table. What? She's eleven months now and still doesn't do anything with a crayon but shove it into her mouth only to poop twilight blue and magenta three hours later. Anyway, when the waiters aren't around, I take the crayons and color all over the table as I don't want to disappoint them in her coloring inadequacies.

Rebecca said...

I just bought another box last week. Already about 4 are missing. :P

I gotta get one of those anti-coloring books!

Hey It's Di said...

While we are at it, can we notify the "Patrol Of Playdough Preservation" about that whole mess? If it's not ground into my carpet or smashed into the tread of their shoes, it's dried up and they are MAD:( This only brings me great distress!

Love that the CCC is finally getting some pointers out before ALL my kids are raised!

JustRandi said...

I only buy colored pencils! Not nearly as much damage in the dryer. Though I do like the idea of the zebra,panda, skunk, etc coloringbook. Maybe I can quit the colors all together.

THopgood said...

I have 2 plastic bins filled with crayons...and yet I continue buying more...there's just nothing quite like opening a brand neww pack of freshly sharpened crayons! I really should throw those crayons away. The thought never even occured to me until now. Thank you!

VE said...

Tell me about crayons. I have over 70,000 of them. I'm not kidding. I have the largest crayon collection in the world. My kids knew not to touch my crayons. They sit on display, box after box, without breakage, without use. I have people tour the collection all the time. I've had people come from the East Coast and make a special trip just to see them. They go back to the late 1800s. Some of the boxes are interesting. I've got a Japanese one from WWII right next to one of ours from WWII. Both boxes were made to support the war; but from different sides. It's all good!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Suzanne- I keep meaning to write a post about humor-blogs but I just never got around to it.

It only records one ISP per day. It's completely an ego thing for me. I don't make any money with my blog or whore myself out with ads and lately I'm not even getting very many comments so at the very least I have my top30 front page status at humor-blogs. :)

Lisa- I'll have to ask my oldest daughter. She reads so many books I can't even keep up with what the titles.

Squeak said...

Three words: Crayola Color Wonder.
All you color-related problems are solved.

jams o donnell said...

Haha EWBL. I bet nobody would make the mistake over teh Black Panther colouring book twice.... S is for Stokeley and so on!

On a serious note I have a business proposition for you. What say you we create the Ted colouring book. All you would need is a little pink to draw in his hissing mouth (but that;s optional) What's more they can practice writing with useful phrases like Ted is angry, Ted has just beaten up Mimi, Ted has stuck his claws in my face and so on!

Stacey said...

When I buy a new box of crayons,I have a hard time letting my kids use them. I just know they are gonna break them and ruin the perfect-ness. No matter how well I clean them up,my youngest always finds one to color on the walls..always! I should just keep crayons for looks and no touchy.

Geosomin said...

Whatabout melting all the bits together to make a new one...sure it'd be a dull brown color, but perhaps an extra colour to go with the black and white would rather cool.

I think they should come out with a neon brown crayon...

Lauren said...

Is my mom already talking about grandkids? Heaven help me.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Geo-
Yeah, we've made rainbow colored Crayon Cookies before. But sitting there peeling all of them is a real beyotch!

Here's the recipe.

Dapoppins said...

I need to visit more often cause really , you have the best ideas!

Lets all go color in black and white from now on...no more nubs of crayons at my house. NO.

go make your winter bunny dear...that is a sweet heart.