Friday, June 20, 2008

I Should Probably Just Change My Name To The Hypocritical Infidel Now

I'm a big fat hypocrite.
Yes. Yes, I am.
I'm such a humongous hypocrite that I should actually be referred to as a HIPPOcrite
If I was a board game I would be Hungry, Hungry HIPPOcrites.
So anyway the hot, hot Houston heat has been relentlessly stifling the past few weeks- often nearing the 100 degree mark.
It's so hot here that I developed an ugly heat rash right smack in the middle of my cleavage. Yeah, I'm suffering from Booby Heat Rash Affliction and it hurts like a mofo, too.
I placed a folded paper towel in my bra yesterday in an effort to soak up some of the boob moisture with the hope that a drier boobage area would clear up the heat rash.
Let that be a lesson to you. You know how your Aunt Nadine always pulls a Kleenex out of her bra to offer you when you have the sniffles? Don't be fooled, that tissue isn't stuffed in there for mucous purposes. Your Aunt Nadine packs her bra with paper products to try and stem the tide of booby sweat!
Why did I just switch topics from HIPPOcrite mea culpas to the weather and then inexplicably to burning bazongas? Am I trying to change subjects and divert your attention? No. It's all relevant.
Due to the excessively high temperatures I've been trying to work exclusively during the nights. As an added bonus, working during the night as opposed to the day usually means that I encounter less traffic and less people milling about in the streets.
I think that Houston is slowly transforming all my fellow citizens into summertime vampires because right now the reverse is true--the neighborhood streets are empty during the day and people only start venturing out of their homes under the cover of darkness.
So I'm out throwing the free community paper and as I careened around one of the endless cul-de-sacs on my route I spotted potential trouble.
When I see people out in their yard and I know I have to turn around and drive past the house again, I instinctively withhold the paper until the return trip. See, if they're ash holes they won't have the paper to use as ammunition to throw back at me while they spiral down into a full-on temper tantrum.
Yeah, they could call the office and place a STOP PAPER. Or they could, you know, actually bend their butts over and toss the thing into their recycling bin or trash but some people have nothing to live for outside of making this planet miserable for others.
Well, I accidentally tossed the paper at this house before I noticed the old man standing in the driveway in front of his SUV. Unfortunately for me it was also before I was safely turned around to make my escape from the cul-de-sac of doom.
As per typical, the old man was indeed an ash hole. He stood in the middle of the street with the paper in his hands ready for battle.
I don't stop for anyone on my route. Years of dealing with unpredictable crazies has taught me that. Neither will I put up with being harassed or assaulted in any way.
I saw Mr. Ash Hole and started revving my engine and then gunned it. It worked. He was scared enough to step out of my way. Since he couldn't get me to stop he attempted to throw the paper at me through my open window.
He failed. The paper ricocheted off my truck and smacked him instead.
I don't usually use profanity outside of those words sanctioned by the Bible like ass, Hell, and damn. My brand of profanity is sanitizing potentially offensive words and running them through the laundromat of my mind so that they're cleaned up into a more socially respectable form. Ass becomes azz. Sh*t magically transforms into SHEET. And the F word? Well, I don't even venture into that territory outside of using 'freakin'. The really bad four-letter F word for me is FICA. (That's a self-contractor joke)
I don't really know or understand what possessed me but I slammed on my brakes and started cursing a blue streak. A blue streak that began and ended with the F word.
My end of the conversation went as such:
"F*** You! Don't F*** With Me Because I F***in Know where You Live!"
And then I sped off and stopped around the corner because I was shaking so bad.
As I tried to regain my composure my ears were filled with the joyful music still playing on my XM Satellite Radio.
I had it programmed on the Christian Rock station called The Message!
There is nothing like spewing forth the foulest cuss word bile you have in your bad language arsenal to the perky beat of a Christian Rock background.
I know what you're saying. You're gasping and sputtering out something like "Oh Our Lady Of The Filled-Up Swear Jar, Do You Sing Praises To Your Lord With That Filthy Mouth?"
Apparently the answer to that is yes, I guess I do.
I'm horrified at myself and totally repentant as well........ mainly because I don't want to spend my eternity roasting next to Mr. Ash Hole for my sins.

38 comments:

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry about non-commenting on anyone's blogs this week.

I got really deathly sick on Tuesday after working out in my yard in 95 degree temps. I think I got a mini-heat stroke. But It was either face the wrath of Mother Nature or the wrath of our snipey Homeowners Association about my weedy flowerbeds. The HOA charges money for violations, so they won.
Anyway, I didn't go to work on Tuesday evening because I got shaky, and dizzy, and nauseous. That put me behind on all my routes and then I had to work non-stop to finish my many, many jobs this week. Oh, and my older girls usually help me and they've been gone to Girls Camp.
STRESS.....I Haz It!

Be grateful I didn't also tell you about the horrible diarrhea I got too.

Hey It's Di said...

Oh man! I'm sorry about your crappy week..no pun!

I thought you were saving me a seat next to you in Hell? What's up with that?

I once had a swear jar at work and had to put in a quarter for every bad word. Let's just say I took everyone to lunch a few weeks later. I have since REDUCED my swearing mouth at work.

Still laughing at the HIPPOcrit! You are so funny Elastic!

Hey It's Di said...

P.S. I'm so amazed I was first!. . . well second but first:)

Does that make me the coolest ever? Or am I still number 2?

Millie said...

Poor sick EWL. Just chalk it up to the meds.

Really, it's amazing how people literally get up in the morning and think, "I think I'll fight with the paper lady today." Sleep in - maybe you'd be less ashy.

Or holey.

Just tell yourself, you've done it once, and now you never have to do it again! :)

glittersmama said...

What the fica was that ash hole's problem? Seriously. What could you have possibly done that would warrant him yelling and throwing things at your car?

I never knew that the paper business was so dangerous.

Suzanne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzanne said...

I think in stressful moments, sometimes just "everything" has to come out! It sounds like you're feeling bad about it, but don't!

I don't think you're a hypocrite at all! Someone might be one if they knew they swore and said they never did. And seriously, Mormon or not, who hasn't let a few descriptive words loose before? Seriously!

Elastic, can I just say how much you make me smile and brighten my day! I think you're truly amazing! :)

Friday, June 20, 2008 11:27:00 AM

Jami said...

Sympathy and empathy on rashes and rash words.

I can pretty much gauge my stress level by the swear words that leave my mouth.

Gee, crud, darn, oh man, oh for heaven's sake = What a sweet woman, an asset to any community.

Piss, crap, friggin', hell or damn = OK, but feeling a little edgy.

Sh**, @$$ = Not good. There's a storm a'comin'.

F^@k (and all of its variants), anything with the word hole in it, and b***h = Run far; run fast.

When I was baptized swearing was top of my list of habits to change and repent of. I too gave my friend a quarter everytime I slipped up. I gave that up after a couple of days. (I was a teenager, not Ms. Freakin' Moneybags!)

Elimination of swearing is still on the list, but it comes after controlling my temper. Mowing the weeds when I oughta be digging out their roots seems ineffective.

Jami said...

(Yes, even manhole & donut hole.)

aubrey said...

sorry you've been sick, elastic! and tsk tsk on your potty mouth, woman. why the heck do people get so mad at you when you're just delivering the papers that they want you and pay you to deliver? i just don't get it. will you be able to quit the paper route once your man starts his new job?

carronin said...

Yep, that happened to me before in the heat of the moment the f bomb comes out and I'm thinking where f*** did that come from. It's those darn rated R movies.

Elizabeth-W said...

You are one brave lady.
I'm sorry you got the heat exhaustion/stroke :(

Kathi D said...

The fast luge ride straight to Hell.

Tsk, tsk.

J-Mom said...

Sorry you have been sick. Hope you feel better or have been feeling better. Even though you have been feeling icky, you've still made me laugh!

Hey It's Di said...

Oh, I forgot to mention this in my earlier comment. I always thought that the old ladies had that tissue down their chestal area to make their boobies look bigger?

I didn't think about the sweaty cleavage deal! Go figure!

Sketchy said...

Ugh...sorry. I would post something helpful, but alas, I'm in the "You sing praises with that mouth???!!!" group far to often to be any help whatsoever.

And the heat rash/boob club occasionally too, I'm sorry to say.

Sketchy said...

Ugh...sorry. I would post something helpful, but alas, I'm in the "You sing praises with that mouth???!!!" group far to often to be any help whatsoever.

And the heat rash/boob club occasionally too, I'm sorry to say.

NOBODY said...

From swoob to swearing like a sailor, is there anything you can't blog about!?

Is it bad that on my "50 things before I'm 50" list is to swear like a sailor at one really dumb person? Just once in my life.

Okay, I don't really have a 50 before 50, but I've thought about it because I totally missed the 30 before 30 boat, and I'm really just too tired to do 40 before 40. I only have 7 years and 1 month and that's just not enough time.

Rhonda said...

People really throw the paper back at you? That is just ridiculous. Throw it away, ash holes.

Give me his address and I will go TP his house for you. :)

Lisa said...

Ditto Glittersmama. That's all I could wonder is Why is he mad in the first place? Your paper stories just leave me with my head shaking because I can't even think of any reason to act like that towards my paper person. ?????

Hope you are feeling better!!! It's going around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JustRandi said...

Our community paper throwers are always teenagers, so I probably wouldn't throw the paper back at them.
But if I decided to, I would definitely turn on a Christian radio station first. Thanks for the tip!

Alice said...

Eh..I'm of the mindset where I think, "What makes a curse word, a curse word? Poo and shit mean the same thing, but one is a "curse" word." Doesn't make sense.

Anyhoo - if you don't think I'm a complete freak, I actually want to mail you a funny thing for your heat rash that I promise is totally blogworthy. If you're not afraid at this point, you can e-mail me your address via the address on my blog.

Klin said...

Just as regretfully as you. . . been there. Done that. Not while delivering papers, but none-the-less.

I'm guessing between not feeling good and rude customers somewhere you just lost it. But, you got it back.

I wonder if your customers know that newspapers are good for cleaning. I use the Sunday paper for just that. we look through the ads and clean the windows with rest.

You need a hug. {{{{UT HUGS}}}}

Bee said...

I admire your self control. To me they are just words that help me vent or make me laugh at their outrageous nature. Don't be too hard on yourself. ;o)

jams o donnell said...

While I don't have the problem of cleavge, I can supathise.. Summer heat (well a warm day in London)

As for free papers they have their uses and get recycled anyway so no big deal as far as we are concerned!

As for fica... Please don't use it at Italian speaker, EWBL!

Millie said...

I was just thinking how funny it would be if you replaced the real F word with other F words.

"Don't fart with me because I fartin' know where you live!"

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Why stop there?

*whispers*
The Magic Password is SHART

"Don't SHART With Me, You Sharter, Because I shartin Know Where You Live!"

Jean Knee said...

I didn't know cussing was a mortal sin. hmmmmmmm


hey, email me later about your diarrhea. I loves stories on the run

b. said...

I'm sorry you were sick.....
I really really thought I had already commented on this post, dammit!

See? See why I don't like Christian Rock? It just doesn't go.....it's totally why I cuss....

ok, did it feel in the least bit good to get that out? because it felt good for me to "hear" you say that to him!

Chell said...

So funny Elastic! I honestly cannot believe that people are so awful when it comes to the paper delivery lady! ...wow...

Glad you're feeling better than last week!!

Nancy Face said...

Oh, NOOO! :(

I'm so sorry about the Booby Heat Rash Affliction and the mini-heat stroke!

Nancy Face said...

I rather enjoy stories about diarrhea and other such crap.

Nancy Face said...

In junior high I had tissues in my bra every day...but I was never nice enough to share them.

They were there to make me appear as if I actually had some boobage.

True story! :0

Nancy Face said...

Hey! You obviously didn't enjoy the whole cussin' to Christian Rock experience!

That stinkin' old man! >:(

Nancy Face said...

You are so not a hypocrite!!!

the Bag Lady said...

Sheesh, there's gotta be nothing worse than swearing to Christian Rock (who is he, anyway? :))

As to the sweat blisters - easy to clear up. Anti-perspirant!!!!!! From armpit to armpit.... Honest.

Suburban Hippie said...

everybody f's up sometimes.

Physcokity said...

Deodorant for you sweaty chest, it might help.

Also as for sinning and saving seats in the blue blazes of Hades, I might just be joining you.

By swearing to Christian Rock, does that make it regular rock then? or Hard Core Christian Rock?