Saturday, June 28, 2008

Spectacularly Stupid Things I've Done: Watch Where You're Walking Edition

I whole-heartedly embrace the bare-footing movement. Yes, that's right, my feet are unabashed nudists. Shocking, no? My fat little tootsies are like wild horses-they refuse to be tamed and made prisoner inside some hellishly sweaty footwear prison. On occasion though, my feet do have to endure a few short stints inside a shoe-shaped holding cell.
You all know my dear Vitamin-A enriched bloggy friend, Carrot Jello, right? Well, she's so kind she would give you the shirt right off her back. When I met her last summer we happened to be wearing the exact same shirt so she instead gave me the shoes right off her feet. Really, she did!
Everytime I wear those black and rubbery Croc-knockoff shoes I think of Carrot Jello and delight in the fact that while we don't live close to another at least our foot sweat can co-mingle inside the same pair of shoes.
As most fellow and former Houstonians know, Houston maintains a stifling 100 percent humidity level even during the night hours.
I wouldn't describe myself as having a "lead foot" but a "hot foot" would be wholly accurate.
So as I was toiling away during the pre-dawn hours the salty perspiration dripped from my every pore. Yes, the sweat just rolled off my Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes, and likely from my Eyes, Ears, Mouth, and Nose, too!
Looking for relief I kicked the Carrot Jello Croc shoes off as I got out of my truck to load up some more newspaper bundles from the back.
Humongous curbside piles of discarded pine needles is a pretty common sight around here so I thought nothing of it when I parked next to one such Pine Needle Welcome Mat blanketing the street.
Blithely I walked barefoot to and fro from the back of the truck to the front of the truck each time stepping on the oddly squishable pine needle pile.
It took about the fifth round trip for the neurons in my brain to communicate with the neurons in my feet and in one startling moment they both realized, "Heeeeyyyy, these pine needles aren't crunchy when we step on them. Where's the familiar stabby sensation they usually make on our bare feet?"
So I squatted down to have a closer look at what I perceived as a friendly Pine-A-Palooza Party..........and then I started screaming, for there, lying in the gutter, was a completely flattened one-dimensional squirrel carcass that I'd been traipsing across as though it were a Squirrel Skin Rug.
The poor Mammalian rodent was so steamrolled it could have been used to write stuff on and then rolled up and secured with a whimsical piece of ribbon. The Dead Squirrel Scrolls.
How I wished that I had a private nurse so at that moment I could turn and bark at her, "Nurse, sterilize these, STAT!" as I held out my festering feet.
If squirrel guts hold some sort of mystical power that'll transform dull, crusty skin into a thing of radiantly flawless beauty, then I shall have the most prettiest feet ever.

*This post won Runner-Up in the essay contest, 'The Roadkill And I Joined Together And Became One......'. Elastic was rewarded a beautiful new squirrel skin cap and squirrel nut ear muffs. Congratulations Elastic!!!*


Jami said...


I didn't do it. Sure, I talked about killing squirrels, but it wasn't me. I promise.

Jami said...

And I am so TOTALLY with you on the shoes make you hotter than you would be otherwise thing. (well, spoken, jami)

JustRandi said...

Oooo-kaaay. I'm taking deep breaths and trying not to shudder too hard for you.


nikko said...




Elizabeth-W said...

and Double Ewwww!

But, did the rodent cool your toes? If so, it ain't so bad.

Alice said...

Hahahhahaaa....and that's why there are wipes in the car.

Do you get chiggers in Houston? We got them in the south a lot and if walked in the pine needles with sandals or barefoot, you could end up with the worst, itching infestation of nasties around your ankles.

Hey It's Di said...

Squirrel nut ear muffs? You know those animals don't have parts big enough to cover your ears don't you? That wasn't much of a prize I say:)

Dead Squirrel Scrolls! You are so clever my girl! I'm moving to Houston. . and into your crack me up:D

Dickey said...

You are hilarious! I did't get to know the funny side of you during that crazy time period in my life. It will be fun getting to know you better by reading your blogs. Your kids are so grown-up!

the Bag Lady said...


But loved "Dead Squirrel Scrolls"!!
You crack me up. You really do.

Carrot Jello said...

That is more disgusting than the shoes. Which, btw, I only wore off the plane until I saw you...not wearing anything I was.
I'm going to try and forget the mental image of you stepping on a squirrel carcass.

Lola said...

I just want to know why a F-udist (foot nudist) was the hostess of a sock swap??
Do you think that you are the only one that should be F-ude???


Jean Knee said...

sorry about you nude scampering on a squashed squirrel corpse.

Jill said...

Poor squirrel.

Poor you!

I think you deserve a good pedicure, however, I wouldn't reccommend telling the pedicurist that you have decomposing squirrel on your feet.

Alice said...

This is a comment regarding a comment on another blog. Hah. I laughed when I read about your take on the overuse of "infinitesmally" (sp?) in 'Twilight' because whenever I read Anne Rice, I think - "If she uses the word 'preternaturally' one more time, I'm gonna barf."

Suzanne said...

OH MY GOSH! This post made me LOL!!! I love to go barefoot too! Yay for barefeet...except when squirrel guts are involved! :D

Nancy Face said...


Nancy Face said...

It's really hard to type when you're laughing your guts out! :D

Nancy Face said...

Oh, sorry...I guess guts are a rather sensitive subject right now.

Nancy Face said...

Here's a precious little song for you! (To the tune of Three Blind Mice.)

Road Kill Stew
Road Kill Stew
Tastes so good
Just like it should
First you go down to the Interstate
You wait for the critter
To meet its fate
You take it home
And you make it great!
Road Kill Stew
Road Kill Stew

Bee said...

You made me shiver and then want to pee.

You get a prize for that too.

Melissa said...

Ewwwww!! Sick and wrong my friend! Sick and wrong... I hope you were able to find something to sterilize your feet quickly!

jams o donnell said...

I know that awful feeling on a smaller scale EWBL. Often si teh case I've come downstairs barefoot only to step on a small rodent carcass that Bebe has brought in for our inspection...

Physcokity said...

I hope you soaked your feet in a bucket of sanitizer... g'ew hahahahah I can't believe you were brave enough to try to run around barefoot with all that heat!

Yes I claim that my feet are claustrophobic they hate being closed off from the surrounding world.

aubrey said...

oh dear. yes, i'm sure a squirrel carcass is significantly softer than pine needles. though, i hope i never find out first hand.

Lisa said...

Nooo! No! No! No! No! That is so gross! Ick! Ew! Sick! Blah!

Suburban Hippie said...


You have no idea how traumatized I am right now.

wynne said...

Oh no! I thought this post was going in the direction of dog poo squishing between toes or an accidental snail-squashing with bare feet... (I've done both), but DEAD SQUIRREL? Poor infidel. Poor feet. Poor squirrel.

Tori :) said...

Eew. I tried to think of something clever, but all I could think was... eew.