Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Elastic And The Hellacious Case Of The Heat-Rashed Rack.....

Alternately Titled:
Elastic And The Sun-Baked Boobs Of Doom

I'm usually loathe to admit this.......buuuuut, I am a woman chock-full of B.S.
Some days I'm so overflowing with B.S. that it's actually quite painful. The B.S. also seeps out onto my clothing in public which is a grossly mortifying experience.

Oh, don't you even try to sit there all smug while you self-righteously judge me and my glut of B.S. Scientifically speaking, you too have suffered from acute B.S. affliction at least once in your life. Yes, the heartbreak of Boob Sweat knows no gender or species barrier. It can adversely affect man, woman, and chicken alike. I know, because I've seen those sweaty chicken breasts under the heat lights at KFC.

Sadly, if left untreated, B.S. (Boob Sweat) will continue to progress and morph into full-blown Rack Rash. Just last week I fell victim to the most agonizing onset of Rack Rash while out working in the hellishly humid tropical clime that defines Houston during the summertime. I could scarcely breathe because the slightest chest movement triggered a new round of stinging pain and me squealing "Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow." There's no governmental discrimination protection for Rack Rash sufferers' either. All my dreams of one day waitressing at Hooter's have been dashed.

And then, just when I'd tearfully resigned myself to a life of itchy, sweaty, burning bazongas, bloggy friend Alice "If There Was A Problem, Yo I'd Solve It" Honey Pie rode to my rescue and sent me this fine product in the mail.

Skeptically, I broke my conservative nature by liberally applying a heaping helping of Anti Monkey Butt Powder straight to the stricken Ta-Ta Territory.

What happened in the next 24 hour period can only be aptly described by the cast of Fiddler On The Roof: "Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles!"

This BEFORE picture allows you to clearly observe my depiction of the epidemic boob outbreak without me showing you my actual boobs. Look at them, pity them...... it's as though someone messed up a line of Shakespeare and demanded that "a pox be upon you and your bosom!" A chicken pox.

And now here's the dramatic artistic rendition of the events that unfolded after the use of Anti Monkey Butt Powder. Do you see what I see? The proof has manifested right before your very eyes that Anti Monkey Butt Powder really does perform the stupefying feats that the label claims.....BEHOLD! Just a sprinkle a day helps keep boob sweat away......

(Don't be alarmed. Only the irritating rash vacated my mountainous premises when I used the powder. My boobs didn't really disappear.)

I've been converted to the House Of The Anti Monkey Butt True Believers. That talc powder miraculously eradicated the angry spotty-dots. It took me from Reddish Rack Rash to Calm And Collected Calamine Cleavage in less time than it takes for Fergie to choke out the words to her 'My Humps' song.

Ahhhh yes, sweet relief. Thanks to Alice and the Anti Monkey Butt Powder, my delicate alabaster boobage has been restored. I got my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.....Now, NEW AND IMPROVED WITHOUT ANY BUMPS!

37 comments:

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I'm going to take my rash-free boobs and go to sleep now. I've been working non-stop, doing homeschool stuff, and shuffling kids to their activities. (They ACED their Kung-Fu test today! Yessssss)

Anyway, I'm glad that my man, Papi, got a "legit" job during the day and everything but man, this new schedule without him around to help out is really kicking my trash.

I'm very apologetic to the awesome commenters here. You know I love you, right? Don't ever doubt the love I have for you......*violins*....I'll try to play comment/blog catch-up on Friday.

the MomBabe said...

BS is the worst!

nikko said...

Dude. Where you come up with this hilarity is beyond me. I need to stop reading your blog during the kids' naptime because I'm laughing too hard. ;o)

Glad Papi's got a "real job". Good luck with the new schedule!

Hilary said...

Sigh.. methinks I probably need significant B before I could have BS.. but it sounds like it would do a good on the B-hind.

Hilarious, as always. :)

Lori said...

pppffffftttttt hahahahhahahahaha

I've never heard of that powder before....ummm I need some just to have sitting around as a conversation started...maybe I need a rash too.

Congrats Papi!!!!!!!

Jami said...

And if I don't have an Alice where would we acquire said anti-monkeybutt powder? My monkey's butt could use some. Since I've started using cloth her rash has mostly gone away, but you can't use ointment and cloth (the ointment waterproofs the cloth which sort of messes with the whole concept). Anyway...I want this stuff. Where do I get it?

Jami said...

I have NO idea how you are holding your world together. Working and homeschooling and all. I am IMPRESSED. Truly an elastic lady.

Suburban Hippie said...

I am a sweat machine - I get that rash sometimes too but calling it a rack rash would be a bit if an overstatement in my case - I would have to call it a bump rash. I often get ring around the belly button these days.

April said...

man I can totally relate to the B.S. ... and this the one of the many reasons I tend to look as my less endowed sisters and think.... "lucky you" glad you found a outlandish sounding solution to the issue. (get that? issue... my customer service days coming out...nothing is a problem! they are all "issues"!)

Alice said...

I came back and honestly thought I had already commented.

If I were you, I'd contact that company and try to squeeze some more product out of them for all the free advertising you're doing.

Ahhh..I'm glad there's a happy ending to this booby story. : ) And got your package today! Woo hoo! The kids already tore into the Naked Nuts. Post to follow. Gracias!

Alice said...

I came back and honestly thought I had already commented.

If I were you, I'd contact that company and try to squeeze some more product out of them for all the free advertising you're doing.

Ahhh..I'm glad there's a happy ending to this booby story. : ) And got your package today! Woo hoo! The kids already tore into the Naked Nuts. Post to follow. Gracias!

damon said...

You put monkey butt on your boobs?
I'd think that would be the leading cause of rack rash.

Glad to hear the twins are now happy and healthy!

Physcokity said...

True Story: I used to fold the t-shirt up under to chestal area to soak up the BS as best I could....to avoid Racking up a Rash.

Hilary said...

Y'know, I'd probably have a really hard time deciding whether or not to use the stuff if I did have a rash. Not because I wouldn't trust the product. Only because I try to avoid making rash decisions. ;)

Bee said...

Your boobs? They be hellahot!

I always imagined them just. like. that.

J-Mom said...

LOL===thanks for keeping us informed that your boobs didn't really disappear. And thanks for the non-stop laughter.

Good luck with the juggling job hm/ hmschl/kids/family/errands/etc./etc./etc.

Congrats to kids!!!

J-Mom said...

Also congrats to Papi and his new job!

Hey It's Di said...

I'm full of B.S. and I am suffering from rack rash. Gosh, Anti-Monkey Butt Talc. Does that keep your butt from turning red like a Baboon's? Does it work on your butt? I sometimes get sweat crack too:) Sorry, that was too much info. huh?

Chell said...

Only Elastic can make the atrocities of B.S so side-achingly funny!!! Well done on another awesome blog Elastic!! :)

manager mom said...

Hee...."Boobs of Doom". I can use a can of that stuff. I think my husband uses their butt paste.

I call my own back bumps "Backne".

Nancy Face said...

I can't believe you posted your boobage on your blog, HAHAHAHA! :D

Nancy Face said...

I feel bad that I don't have any boobage, because it's hard to be properly empathetic and stuff. I get B.S. every day, but it can't morph into Rack Rash when there ain't no rack! :0

nora.lakehurst said...

YAY! I am glad that your boobage is healthy now. I remember those days. I was a GG and now I am a C let me tell you it is awesome!

JustRandi said...

Well, I'm glad you clarified, because for a minute there I thought the stuff actually made your boobs disappear. And I was ALL FOR THAT!
I was actually going to buy a case.

I'm still going to try some, just maybe not a case of it.

Alice Wills Gold said...

Anti monkey butt powder. never heard of it. where in the world do you buy something like this...the zoo?

Alice Wills Gold said...

I cannot get your blog to work on my RSS feed. Has anyone ever complained of that before?

Lisa said...

I feel very lucky that I do not suffer from BS. Glad you have friends who care enough to send you some relief!

Lisa said...

When my kids were little they suffered from diaper rash. One pediatrician in our office created "Dr. Webster's Butt Cream". That stuff worked wonders!

Jean Knee said...

uhm, are we supposed to throw beads at you now? cuz I will, you know I will

The Motherboard said...

::delurking::

I was just sitting here, in my own throes of BS, wishing someone would give me the solution... when I clicked onto your blog.

Ta-da! Ask and ye shall receive!

I'm getting me some of that stuff right now!

::re-lurking::

aubrey said...

kung fu has a test? huh. yay for your awesome bunch of kids!

i pretty much have nothing to say about your BS. except that i loved your visual aids. very relief society-ish. happy 4th to you and your fam.

Suzanne said...

LOL at Aubrey! I'm glad that your boobs didn't really disappear! :D

Amber said...

Does it also work for butts? Just last night during a hike with my hubby, I complained to him about my butt sweat problem. And how I was meeting with this important business associate last week when we sat on a vinyl bench during lunch. And how my butt was dripping in sweat when I got up. Sigh. I need an intervention.

P.S. LAUGHED by BOOTie off at the cartoon....

Palm Springs Savant said...

hee hee hee, that made me chuckle. Now of course we guys have our own version of bs, but it happens in the nether regions and also has the whole chafing issue which isn't fun either!

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

Wow. For a minute there, I was expecting to see something just as disturbing as the "soup" photo! (Not sure whether I'm relieved or disappointed.) Glad you're feeling "drier."

jams o donnell said...

What a product. I NEED to have that product!

Geosomin said...

I have a BSc...does that count? :)