Thursday, July 03, 2008

It's So Quiet You Can Hear An Egg Drop.....

Steel Yourself: I'm about to allow my unabashedly disgusting self run free and wild. If you venture further into this post you run the risk of never being able to accept a dinner invitation to a Chinese buffet again. And really, wouldn't that be tragic?
Okay, I've noticed that most public restrooms insist on stocking the frustratingly useless phenomena that is 1-ply toilet paper. I guess they haven't figured out the financial truth yet that the money saved by purchasing inferior TP will only end up being spent on a bigger supply of anti-bacterial soap. Why? Well, because in test study after test study in my very own home, I've discovered that your digits will inevitably tear through the toilet paper at the most critical moment leaving you with the nastiest of gorilla fingers. (Buy the quilted toilet paper- for the bum you save just may be your own!)

How dastardly is this stuff? Secret agents should use it to pass along confidential information because it practically dissolves on contact.

Anyway, I'm utilizing the facilities at McDonald's and as per natural for me I turn around to have a gander at the bounteous waste swimming around in the bowl before I flush. I rationalize that it's a medical necessity to take notice of any and all things shooting out of your body. I mean, I don't obsess over it....it's not like I drag out my little magnifying glass during Potty Time to correctly identify everything I ate for dinner embedded in the solid chunks. I'm just a strong proponent for staying cognizant of your physical being because detecting a change early-on can prevent serious repercussions from potential illness. Aside from all that, bodily expulsions are just plain interesting. Why else would the 'Milk, Milk, Lemonade' song still make me have to entreaty the assistance of Kegelling to keep from peeing myself? So, upon my quick pre-flush examination, I noticed that the coarse 1-ply toilet paper had predictably disintegrated immediately and transformed into a mushy glob of swirling, white comma-shaped pieces ebbing and flowing against a pale yellow backdrop.

It looked exactly like a toilet bowl full of egg drop soup.

Fortune Cookie Of The Day: Confucius Say Tis Better Not To Ask The Origin Of Egg Drop Soup And Try Sweet-And-Sour Soup Instead.

24 comments:

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Forgive my gross-out grossness. Having six kids has totally desensitized me to yucky things.

Ever since I started thinking about how much urine and shredded toilet paper looks like Egg Drop Soup I have not been able to eat Egg Drop Soup. Or even look at it.

Hilary said...

Oh, don't make me compare your beloved nachos to a bodily function!

Actually, I don't think I've ever had egg drop soup, and now for sure I never will.

Urine fine form today, EWBL! ;)

Elizabeth-W said...

I just want to learn that lemonade song, because I don't know it, and think it is probably something any self-respecting parent should pass along.

Alice said...

I'll never be able to eat at The Crystal Palace buffet again. Or at least not the egg drop soup.

Sketchy said...

Another food destroyed by the power of gross association!

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Dedictaed to my dearest elizabeth-w....who will NEVER be able to eat a Tootsie Roll again.

Milk Milk Lemonade

J-Mom said...

Speechless.

Bee said...

Mmmmmm now I want Chinese food.

Jami said...

How can I be so grossed out and still be laughing?

Jami said...

I think this is just retribution for my lice annihilation post the other day, isn't it?

I still like egg drop soup. I make mine with chicken top ramen. I do not even want to know what that would remind you of!

Elizabeth-W said...

It's so stinkin' catchy I'm going to have it stuck in my head now and I'm going to say it at a completely inappropriate time, am I not?

Carrot Jello said...

I've seen this post
somewhere beforrre.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Carrot Jello- That was all an illusion.

elizabeth- I know. I've known this "song" since pre-school and I still laugh. Remember that TV show Yes, Dear? One of the characters started singing that song a few years ago and I just about went into convulsions from laughing so hard. I blame my unstable upbringing for such things. :)

Bee- Why? You can make Egg Drop Soup right in the comfort of your very own home!

j-mom- Sorry. You weren't around during my really gross days here. I kind of worked most of that out of my system....but every once in awhile.....

jami- In the end there can be only ONE Queen Of Ick. I am that Queen.

Suburban Hippie said...

Gross and funny - the best possible combination.

April said...

EWWWWWWWWWW.....EW ew ew...... and may I say..... EWW

Jill said...

But do you ever REALLY know what's in your food at a chinese restaurant?

Have you ever noticed the similarity between alfredo sauce and baby spit up?
There, now you won't be able to eat at an Italian restaurant either.

jams o donnell said...

Ha It's just as well I never ate Egg drop soup or else my mind would ahve been turned by you! Still there are plenty of other things it's probably best not to think too hard about either!

J-Mom said...

Not grossed out--I had a kid who was a daily poop smearer--takes a little more for me. Just speechless.

We did go to Chinese tonight and of course now every time I see egg drop soup, I won't be able to think of anything but you and a toilet!!!!

Jean Knee said...

the unexamined turd is not worth passing.

philosophy 101

Physcokity said...

lol I think I'm having a little deja vu here...

Although I though most people did not bother with one ply at home...lies.

One of my good friends, bless her heart stocks one ply at her house. I don't have the heart to tell her it's pretty much pointless. It's not like they're on a septic system.

Physcokity said...

I've known that song for.ev.er! I just don't think about it much anymore though.

Geosomin said...

I don't think I'll be able to eat egg drop soup again...

They finally upgraded to 2 ply here where I work.
There was much rejoicing :)

Nancy Face said...

I'm sooo glad I got to see this scrumptious post once again.

I missed it! ;)

blue3lf said...

Dang it Jill! I'm eating fettucini alfredo right now!
I'll just have to overcome it then.
And I vaguely remember the "Milk, Milk, Lemonade" song. I don't wish to hear it again while I'm eating.

I like to put egg on/in my top ramen so it's kind of like egg drop soup. It looks quite like it if it's chicken top ramen. With noodles of course.