As you know I've been seriously mulling over the prospect of penning a book for quite some time. I've spent many a night tossing and turning while visions of a glossy book jacket bearing an author line that reads: By Elasticwaistbandlady, danced in my head.I could feel the distinct presence of the muse of inspiration visiting me this morning as she flitted about, enlightening me with a brilliant story idea. Yes, I could literally feel this presence way down deep into the darkened recesses of my bowels.......literally.
What kind of book am I planning to write? Well, technically there's no specific categorical label for my kind of stuff just yet but I'm working on it. I think you could accurately describe this piece as being in the newly created (by me) 'Gastrointestinal Horror' genre. Barnes and Noble will likely shelve my novel somewhere in between Stephen King and Paula Deen. Maybe they'll let my book get all close and comfy on the same shelf as Morgan Spurlock and his revolutionary 'Supersize Me' documentary.
So, the basic premise involves international intrigue and high stakes drama that all takes place within the confines of my body.
I work non-stop to bring home the bacon between Tuesday and Thursday every week-- as a result I'm working so hard I don't even have time to fry up the bacon that I'm bringing home. We rely fairly heavily on frozen foods and leftovers for family sustenance on these two days. Well, as you know the Infidel family is ALL about diversity......so much so that we ate burritos for lunch yesterday, leftover sauerkraut and sausage for dinner, and I polished off 8 piping hot potstickers fresh from the skillet for breakfast this morning.
See, I bet you didn't even know that Mexico, Germany, and greater Asia were embroiled in a war, did you? But they are. Right inside the battlefield of my stomach. I'm a sort of pacifist and I can't tell you how much all this strife has made my heart burn. I may need to enlist the assistance of Major Maalox to come up with some battle strategies.
Anyway, my book will be comprised of 3 short stories entitled:
The Sauerkraut Always Rings Twice
Little Shop Of Burrito Horrors
The Potsticker Strikes At Midnight
I need to work out some pertinent details with my publisher-- especially my plan to have this novel printed on comfy 2-ply paper in case my tales of gastrointestinal horrors scares the everliving sheet out of the reader.
*My oldest daughter, Sunbum has been experiencing "difficulties" since yesterday, too. Sunbum's war only involves Mexican and German in-fighting, though which is kind of ironic because Mexico and Germany comprise Sunbum's ethnic background. She's at war with herself. Read all about it on her blog HERE.*
25 comments:
FIRST! But I need to read it now...
Like mother, like daughter! :D
I need AT LEAST 6 copies of that book...the perfect Christmas gift! ;)
I'm 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th! Wow, I'm cool.
Oh. My. God. You have replicated!
whatever you do, don't add any Kashi products to the mix, or it will be explosive! trust me on this
Sounds like a great idea! I'm with jean knee though... no extra fiber!!
A gastrointestinal adventure of epic proportions! The incredible shrinking woman is in for it now!
It'll be better than that Martin Short movie...Inner Space!
Did I already tell you about that drug I learned about in my pharm class that causes fecal incontinence in 50% of people who take it? Also... new vocab words learned - Sprue and streatorrhea... look them up.
All I am saying is give Zantac a chance.
All I am saying is give Zantac a chance.
Apparently I'm saying it twice...heck let's go for three times:
All I am saying is give Zantac a chance.
But 4 times would be overkill.
By the way I am no longer suffering from my "difficulties" anymore thank you very much!!
I went to Mazatlan, Mexico for 10 days and ate hearty meals 3 times a day. The rest of the group caught a bit of a bug and went to the pot MANY times a day. As for me, I just tested out the strength and length of my intestines apparently because I never went. . the whole 10 days.
I would love to read your book. Sounds like quite an adventure/horror story all in one:)
Gotta be the Sauerkraut. Too much vinegar'll getcha every time.
Think you'll get a running book deal?
I've gone some stuff going on right now too and it involves yellow cake with cream cheese frosting and strawberries and chocolate chocolate cake. I couldn't resist and ate a slice of each.
I feel your pain!
All I am saying is give Zantac a chance.
Seems the appropriate thing to say.
At the start of this post, I couldnt quite figure out what the pic of sausages had to do with writing a book...mmmm...then I read a little furthur and had a good laugh! As always...thanks :)
Sounds like a scary bathroom reader! Free bottle of Pepto with every book!
"The Sauerkraut Always Rings Twice"
Totally cracked me up.
PS....Thanks for the link to Sunbum's blog, pretty awesome. I guess that's just hereditary.
I just came by to spray some air freshener so that it's all nice-smelling in here for the next commenter.
Good stuff, EWBL :)
I will have to send you photos of my culinary creations. Sime look like the creature from teh black latrine!
Kudosto Sunbum for her bravery in tackling Sauerkraut and Burritos.!
Hmm. That would definitely be a new genre!
(And I hope you're serious about writing a book. Really.)
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