Thursday, July 10, 2008

I Have A Very Exciting Announcement.....I'm Finally Ready To Write My First Novel!

As you know I've been seriously mulling over the prospect of penning a book for quite some time. I've spent many a night tossing and turning while visions of a glossy book jacket bearing an author line that reads: By Elasticwaistbandlady, danced in my head.

I could feel the distinct presence of the muse of inspiration visiting me this morning as she flitted about, enlightening me with a brilliant story idea. Yes, I could literally feel this presence way down deep into the darkened recesses of my bowels.......literally.

What kind of book am I planning to write? Well, technically there's no specific categorical label for my kind of stuff just yet but I'm working on it. I think you could accurately describe this piece as being in the newly created (by me) 'Gastrointestinal Horror' genre. Barnes and Noble will likely shelve my novel somewhere in between Stephen King and Paula Deen. Maybe they'll let my book get all close and comfy on the same shelf as Morgan Spurlock and his revolutionary 'Supersize Me' documentary.

So, the basic premise involves international intrigue and high stakes drama that all takes place within the confines of my body.

I work non-stop to bring home the bacon between Tuesday and Thursday every week-- as a result I'm working so hard I don't even have time to fry up the bacon that I'm bringing home. We rely fairly heavily on frozen foods and leftovers for family sustenance on these two days. Well, as you know the Infidel family is ALL about diversity......so much so that we ate burritos for lunch yesterday, leftover sauerkraut and sausage for dinner, and I polished off 8 piping hot potstickers fresh from the skillet for breakfast this morning.

See, I bet you didn't even know that Mexico, Germany, and greater Asia were embroiled in a war, did you? But they are. Right inside the battlefield of my stomach. I'm a sort of pacifist and I can't tell you how much all this strife has made my heart burn. I may need to enlist the assistance of Major Maalox to come up with some battle strategies.

Anyway, my book will be comprised of 3 short stories entitled:
The Sauerkraut Always Rings Twice
Little Shop Of Burrito Horrors
The Potsticker Strikes At Midnight

I need to work out some pertinent details with my publisher-- especially my plan to have this novel printed on comfy 2-ply paper in case my tales of gastrointestinal horrors scares the everliving sheet out of the reader.

*My oldest daughter, Sunbum has been experiencing "difficulties" since yesterday, too. Sunbum's war only involves Mexican and German in-fighting, though which is kind of ironic because Mexico and Germany comprise Sunbum's ethnic background. She's at war with herself. Read all about it on her blog HERE.*

25 comments:

Nancy Face said...

FIRST! But I need to read it now...

Nancy Face said...

Like mother, like daughter! :D

Nancy Face said...

I need AT LEAST 6 copies of that book...the perfect Christmas gift! ;)

Nancy Face said...

I'm 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th! Wow, I'm cool.

Alice said...

Oh. My. God. You have replicated!

Jean Knee said...

whatever you do, don't add any Kashi products to the mix, or it will be explosive! trust me on this

Melissa said...

Sounds like a great idea! I'm with jean knee though... no extra fiber!!

Physcokity said...

A gastrointestinal adventure of epic proportions! The incredible shrinking woman is in for it now!

It'll be better than that Martin Short movie...Inner Space!

Suburban Hippie said...

Did I already tell you about that drug I learned about in my pharm class that causes fecal incontinence in 50% of people who take it? Also... new vocab words learned - Sprue and streatorrhea... look them up.

Sketchy said...

All I am saying is give Zantac a chance.

Sketchy said...

All I am saying is give Zantac a chance.

Sketchy said...

Apparently I'm saying it twice...heck let's go for three times:

All I am saying is give Zantac a chance.

Sketchy said...

But 4 times would be overkill.

Sunbum said...

By the way I am no longer suffering from my "difficulties" anymore thank you very much!!

Hey It's Di said...

I went to Mazatlan, Mexico for 10 days and ate hearty meals 3 times a day. The rest of the group caught a bit of a bug and went to the pot MANY times a day. As for me, I just tested out the strength and length of my intestines apparently because I never went. . the whole 10 days.

I would love to read your book. Sounds like quite an adventure/horror story all in one:)

the Bag Lady said...

Gotta be the Sauerkraut. Too much vinegar'll getcha every time.

Think you'll get a running book deal?

Bee said...

I've gone some stuff going on right now too and it involves yellow cake with cream cheese frosting and strawberries and chocolate chocolate cake. I couldn't resist and ate a slice of each.

I feel your pain!

No Cool Story said...

All I am saying is give Zantac a chance.


Seems the appropriate thing to say.

Chell said...

At the start of this post, I couldnt quite figure out what the pic of sausages had to do with writing a book...mmmm...then I read a little furthur and had a good laugh! As always...thanks :)

J-Mom said...

Sounds like a scary bathroom reader! Free bottle of Pepto with every book!

Leah J. Utas said...

"The Sauerkraut Always Rings Twice"

Totally cracked me up.

J-Mom said...

PS....Thanks for the link to Sunbum's blog, pretty awesome. I guess that's just hereditary.

Hilary said...

I just came by to spray some air freshener so that it's all nice-smelling in here for the next commenter.

Good stuff, EWBL :)

jams o donnell said...

I will have to send you photos of my culinary creations. Sime look like the creature from teh black latrine!

Kudosto Sunbum for her bravery in tackling Sauerkraut and Burritos.!

wynne said...

Hmm. That would definitely be a new genre!

(And I hope you're serious about writing a book. Really.)