Tuesday, July 08, 2008

My Mini-Infidels Found My Secrety Time Capsule Buried Inside A Rubbermaid Container....

Irritatingly enough, the discovery made them undergo a metamorphosis process from a handsome bunch of Infidel spawn into a braying, cackling herd of donkey escapees from Pinocchio's Pleasure Island.

I'm not all that sentimental but I have held on to a few of the last cornball vestiges from my childhood. The hand corsage from the 8th grade dance is long gone but the cruel things my peers wrote in my middle school yearbook lives on.

The two oldest Infidel daughters (12&13) almost suffocated themselves from laughing so hard while they read through the flimsy "yearbook" my middle school provided. It's really just a bunch of blank pages stapled together with the school name and mascot printed on the front. I knew I was opening myself up to a world of ridicule when the Infidel daughters noticed the not-so-prestigious name of the academic institution in which I attended.......Wunderlich. (WONDER LICK) There seems to be a recurring theme throughout the bright, marker-festooned yearbook pages--mostly that theme involves "friends" writing out every synonym that they could conjure up for the words "gullible and slow." Observe a few sample pages below where I'm referred to as dense and dingy. A quick flip through the book will reveal other such descriptive joys like goob, airhead, and nerd. I'm really not sure how this book has survived for so long without me chucking it into a giant S'More-making campfire.

The Incredible Disintegrating Swatch Watch Collection!
I loved, loved, loved Swatch watches back in the day. I could pretty much count on getting a new watch to add to my awesome Swatch hoard every Christmas. So if you calculate the roughly 8 Swatch watches in my possession and all of them going through a rotation of use that brings along the expected wear and tear......then these things are really just pieces of prettily colored plastic crap! I haven't worn any of them for close to 15 years-- and yet their sedentary life just lying around in a box was too much for them to withstand so they had to start peeling and breaking off big chunks of the wristbands.

When I was a little young (I was never little) girl...........I spent my free time writing to TV shows and getting autographed pictures. And now I look back and think, "Wow, that's so weird. I really was a dingy air-headed goob after all." I did manage to score a picture of the uber hot MacGyver among a few others but they're stored in a separate (but equal!) Rubbermaid container somewhere in my closet. My only claim to fame arose when the TV game show, Double Dare actually used one of the Obstacle Course ideas that I sent to them. You know the one where the contestants have to search through a rancid cheese filling lining the holes on a gigantic plastic Swiss Cheese to find the flag? Yep, that was mine! What did I get in return? A Double Dare T-shirt and an autographed picture of the host, Marc Summers. Wow.

This is a shameful part of me that I tried desperately to hide from you. It's true, I succumbed to peer pressure and wore these mega-ugly painted wood necklaces that never should have see the light of day outside of a nursing home Bingo Hall.

Here's a closeup of the Country Scene necklace. Quite inexplicably, the farm girl is sporting a ravishing femullet. Look at her.....she's all serious brunette business from the front but when you turn her over it's 100 percent sassy blond party action! Well, that's only if you're having a Little House On The Prairie party, but still.

I hate to sully my reputation like this-- but as a teen, I really got around. I worked at all three of these places before I ever hit my 20's. For some unknown reason, the capable name tag maker person at Randall's did not spell my name right. Having an extra consonant thrown into my name may have made me look more special than the scads of plain Melissa's running around there at the time but it didn't go too far towards helping me with my cashier career......Randall's made it into my personal Record Book under 'Shortest Working Stint Ever.' I preferred my Kroger name tag. I liked to wander the store and steal goofy stickers off different products to add to my tag. Sometimes I was Juicy, sometimes I was 100% Lean and on certain days I was 'Crusty On The Inside.' (stolen from a French Baguette loaf). I can honestly say that this was the only time in my life that other people would stare directly at me before saying "Hey, look at Melissa, she's Fat Free today!"
Yeah, my very first job was at Captain D's seafood when I was only 15. Got a dirty fish joke? Save it because I've already heard them all.

And now I know the real reason why they bury Time Capsules deep into the ground. I should've taken a life lesson from History and done the same thing!

47 comments:

Geosomin said...

I shaer your Swatch fixation. I remember having a giant swatch clock on my wall in high school.

*SO* cool...:)

Geosomin said...

shaer=share

I found a bunch of stuff from high school when clearing up things for the reno at our hosue...it's great and embarrassing at the same time looking back at it all isn't it? :)

Geosomin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa said...

I love this post! Those necklaces are a crack up! I can't believe you saved them all! I had ONE Swatch watch. I am so not as cool as you!

I recently had to pull out some things from my childhood, too. And I a quickly getting rid of it. No need for my kids to see my report cards!

Lauren said...

The wooden painted necklaces! I had one of those...foolish!

I love the idea of "crusty on the inside melissa!" That is so rad...

I don't believe for a second people wrote that in your yearbook...you staged it! You are way too cool to be called dingy...or dense!

Chell said...

That was SUCH an awesome post! :)
My sister and I found some of my parents certificates and report cards from when they were little and we also had a good laugh! My dad used to skip school so much when he was little (to go fishing) that one of his report cards actually said : "Cannot comment - child was not here enough days"!!!
I agree with Lauren, those comments cannot be real!
You are way cool...
Awesome...
Not dingy and dense! :)

Hilary said...

That's hilarious. I don't think I've saved stuff like that of my own - I should be grateful. :)

Your Swatch watches of yesterday are your Sox collections of today.

Physcokity said...

I think the biggest thing a time capsule serves as is to remind us to be grateful we aren't there any more, and some good laughs...hopefully although what kind of friends would honestly tell you that you're dense?

They're either really close or just as dense.

damon said...

Just spent a few over at my friend Alices' place. (Seems she gets free N'sync stuff and coozies from blog friends).
Isn't she lucky?

Anycrap, I almost wish I'd have saved my Swatches. They were awesome!

*fish joke witheld at authors request. ;)

Nancy Face said...

Dingy? NOOOOO!!!

Dense? NOOOOO!!!

Nancy Face said...

You are my hero for having the guts to show that stuff to your kids! I can just picture their faces as they laughed hysterically! :D

VE said...

Name badges for work...that's when you know you are important and highly compensated!

Alice said...

ROFL - *wiping the tears*

1) I watched MacGuyver religiously in my early teens. Loved him, but not in a crushy way. It's like 'The Great Escape'. I get a kick out of people making something out of nothing.

2) I had a brief stint as a check-out girl and we did the same thing with our name tags. Lots of Chiquita stickers.

3) The folks who signed Babycakes yearbooks made almost identical comments. He was and is such a nerd still! ; )

Suburban Hippie said...

I still have bad dreams that I am back in middle school or high school; I hated those days with a passion. I never had a wooden necklace... that must have been a Texas thing during the time I was living in Colorado. I also never owned a swatch... not because they weren't cool in CO... they were very cool, I just never got anything cool. My friends and I were the seriously nerdy nerds of the school. I'm still a big nerd - it's just cooler to be a nerd now than it was back then (in my mind). My year book is full of people wishing me well in my married life to my ex-boyfriend - nice.

Jean Knee said...

Oh please, please, Infidel. tell me you didn't wear those awful wooden necklaces.

for all things pure and beautiful deny it, pleeeeeeas!!

Physcokity said...

PS I'm still tripping in RoyWorld and listen to Dust at least 10 times a day...

nikko said...

I never had a swatch, either. Nothing too cool ever came my way, LOL.

Now I'm wondering what people wrote about me in my middle school yearbook. Hmm... I wonder where they are.

Dingy and dense? Wow. Harsh!

Jay said...

Yikes, you went to school with some mean people! I don't really know what you mean by 'dingy' but dense? Dense you are NOT!

I still have a ton of stuff from my teen years, including a tangled mess of hippie necklaces, rings and pendants. And pin badges (what you call buttons in the US). Makes me smile looking through them all.

Hey It's Di said...

Loved those Swatch days! We were so cool in our colored Swatches. I swear I had some great necklaces like yours. And to think we wore that stuff around proudly!

I saved my Kmart name badge and the beautiful turquoise smock thing with pockets. It's a treasure no doubt. I'm hoping to someday make money off from it when Kmart is out of business:)

b. said...

This is one of my favorite posts!
I love reading yearbook talk, it's really how 'commenting' starts, you know.

We did one of those time capsules in mutual, it has a letter from my mom in it, I would LOVE to see it now that she's gone. But, alas...turns out, my MIA advisor was actually an alcoholic/addict and she has all of our time boxes and doesn't want to be found.

Millie said...

You are SO not dense. Your intelligence overwhelms me, seriously. You're a smartie.

I love Swatches and would still wear one. :)

Stephanie and Co. said...

I used to wear multiple wooden necklaces---perhaps this is why I still avoid wearing jewelry for fear that I will make a "wooden jewelry fashion faux pax."
Middle schoolers have such bad judgment. They don't know what they're talking about.

Methodical wormer said...

I totally remember the double dare swiss cheese! So crazy that you came up with that. Why should we be surpised though? I'm sure they expected big things from a kid that come up with that. No way could they have ever predicted anything as great as this blog!

Captain D's, please! I love me some greasy greasy fish:)

Melissa said...

Yeah for Swatches!! :) I read through all of my old year books about a month ago... what did I learn about myself? Not many people knew me, but they signed the book anyway. There are a lot of "Well, I didn't get to know you too well" or "I wish we had been better friends". Apparently I am unapproachable. Who knew?

Bee said...

I haven't finished reading your post because I became enraged at them referring to you as dingy!!!

I want names!

Bee said...

I'm glad you turned out to be the cool MMeelliissaa you are today!

I loved swatch watches. I only had 2 so right there you were already cooler than yours truly.

Alice Wills Gold said...

I didn't think any Swatch Watches had actually survived the past 20 years....wow, we are getting old, aren't we?

I bet your kids just loved this walk down memory lane...I think I threw away all of my good stuff...we just bought an N Sync CD at the thrift store and that has been a lot of fun.

omar said...

Aren't we all a little bit crusty on the inside?

This is great, it makes me want to look through my old yearbooks to see what people said about me. Thanks Elastic, you sweet dingy goob!

glittersmama said...

I always wanted a swatch.

I worked at Kroger too, and I vaguely remember putting crazy stickers on my name tag too.

I LOVED DD. My sisters and I watched it all the time, and I remember the rotty cheese obstacle. Awesome! What could be better than an autographed pic of Marc Summers?

Elizabeth-W said...

I had the first pair of Guess jeans in my high school. I had a pair of jeans and a Guess sweatshirt. I was the coolest kid in town for about 2 weeks.

b. said...

ps. I think I only watched Double Dare once....one time!! And it was the Swiss cheese one!! Seriously? That was yours? You got a damn T-shirt? totally gypped(sp?).

Amy said...

You are hysterical~ I LOVED Swatches, I wore 2 on each arm, so bitchin'~ do you remember the ones that smelled good? I think I had a pink one that smelled like strawberrys...

My kids watch the Double Dare re-runs on Nick and love it. I'll look for the swiss cheese game next time we watch it. What a huge accomplishment!

April said...

ROFL so funny thing about the swatches... About 4 years ago... no kidding FOUR years ago I had a teenaged coworker who was totally enamered with swatches... he has 20 or 30 of them... I think he was born in the wrong era :)

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Not being rude....I SWEAR! I'm working here, working there, working freakin EVERYWHERE for the next few days. That's in addition to cooking, de-cluttering, helping my two youngest to learn to read, taking kids to activities.....I'm somewhere between exhausted and pooped out. There is a difference, you know.

Don't hate me because I'm a comment slacker!!!! It may take me until the weekend but dangit I pride myself on returning comments eventually.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

The yearbook was totally not staged. There were a few poem selections in there too written just for me but I chose not to post them because they failed to make it through the Infidel Censors.

They used the Swiss CHeese thingie on the Obstacle Course for quite awhile, maybe even a whole season. I submitted other ideas but I don't think they ever used anything other than the cheese. Still, for being a 12 year old nerd, this was an exciting event to have happen in my life. I auditioned to be on DOuble Dare. I got to meet the announcer, Harvey and also the assistants, Robin and Dave. I sucked. I only made it past the first round where I was then promptly cut.

Annie said...

That is just the best time capsule evah!


You must have gone through quite a metamorphosis yourself. Dingy and dense are not words that I would ever equate with Her Infidelness.

Sketchy said...

I only had one swatch too. I can still remember the joy I had that Christmas. But then when I asked for more, it was "You already have a perfectly good watch." Oh the frustration.

I'd like to be fat free today, I think I'll go steal a sticker.

J-Mom said...

My memory stinks. I remember liking swatches, I think I had one....I know I had a big watch clock on my wall, but it was probably just a knock off.

I do remember working at Kroger, I liked it!

I always wondered if people who wrote into TV shows/fan clubs ever got their mail read. Now I know!!!

JustRandi said...

My time capsule is stuck somewhere in the back of my closet. Way too deep bor my kids to find it. I think I wrote: Clothes for Goodwill or something like that on the outside so that I would never have to go through the offspring ridicule.

:@

aubrey said...

this is so funny because i have spent the past two afternoons going through my storage unit and just brought up my box of yearbooks and random box of nicknacks. i had a few of those hideous handpainted wooden necklaces. i might even still have one or two. ha ha!!

Lori said...

Seriously, you were destined to work in a fish place..what with being called a dingy and all....



Can't believe I'm the only one to see the irony in that...lol

Rph Mommy said...

I love this post. Love it.

Sunbum said...

I can testify that all those things are true!! I'm the one that had the most fun reading what the kids thought about my mom when she was my age. Amusing....very..very....very amusing.

No Cool Story said...

I'd love to have my old Swatch collection. You lucky girl!

I had to google dingy.
You are not it.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

NCS- When you google dingy, there's several meanings.

I am certainly not "dirty or faded with grime." Nor am I lacking in cleanness and brightness. That comment was referring to the third meaning of dingy which is slang for crazy and insane and probably perpetually "blond."

jams o donnell said...

The things we keep. The not wife showed me some letters I sent her in the 80s. I wished the earth would open and swallow mme up!

blue3lf said...

I like the wooden heart necklace.
And about the miss party in the back? (I'm ripping this right from a pin I saw) Blondes may have more fun but Edward prefers brunettes! (Score one for me!)

I wish I was even 40% fat free *sigh*.
I have a name tag from where I currently work and the last two incarnations of it (including the current one) include a little smiley emote that I was able to add on with the general managers permission.

And rude signatures? Someone signed one of my highschool p.e. shirts back when we were practicing graduation with a comment about his penis. I have yet to ever put that shirt on again.

I don't think I'd mind going back to middle school again, since my very brief diary from then consists mostly of me having lots and lots of sleepovers.