Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Infidel Family Actually Leaves The House To Go Somewhere: A Pictorial

Yes, the Infidel World Tour rolled through town last Friday. We made sure to hit all our favorite stops because I wouldn't want any of the cashiers at the fantastical 99 Cents Only Store to think that we've fallen out of love with them. Never take your 99 Cents Only store for granted, people.

Our first tour destination landed us smack in the middle of the Public Library where we observed the most unholiest of unholy children's section decorations. Minnie Mouse is either angling for a role in a Disney remake of King Kong or she's interested in getting this big fella back to her place so she can finally procure that luxurious gorilla fur coat she's always dreamed about.

I'm not sure what rigorous event they put these prunes through to call them "Champion" but I do know that according to the box you are forbidden from eating them anytime other than breakfast. Oh, and the prunes also have pits. I'm praying that doesn't mean armpits.

Spanish Telenovela-styled drama at the 99 Cents Only Store! We love our hot and spicy Abuelita mucho mucho-and so naturally we were greatly distressed to find that Abuelita's new boyfriend, Don Gustavo has taken over her company. Oh sure, he may look like the epitome of elderly sweetness behind his adorable little spectacles, but inside brews a company-stealing monster who wooed Abuelita and then snatched her business out right from under her. Poor Abuelita.
(Yes, I make up melodramatic back stories for my Mexican cinnamon chocolate beverage products, don't you?)

The 99 Cents Only store envisions a brave new world where all fast food is made out of marshmallows.........

and people will drink their juice out of grotesque bug carcasses.

Here's comes Peter Cottontail....hopping down the bunny trail......well, the "bunny trail" is actually code for Aisle 8 at the 99 Cents Only Store. Yes, now you too can celebrate a one-of-a-kind Easter in July with these delicious treats.....because food poisoning is timeless.

Sunbum's Addiction.
These almond cookies are seriously delicious.

Beware the zombie starfish tub toy!!!! Any film called Starfish Zombies would spawn a zillion sequels due to the starfishes unique ability to regenerate itself.

Racially insensitive socks. Seriously, these win the prize for the most WTF? socks ever in recorded history. And what is the significance of the little For Sale sign? Is this unwrinkled Raisinette/Milk Dud/prune with legs a real estate agent? Maybe he's pimping himself out and he's actually the one for sale? So many questions that only a professional sock interpreter can answer.

Pirate's Booty Potato Chips: The Best Kind Of Booty Call! Yeah, I groped me some Pirate Booty at World Market!

Kung-Fu Fido Fortune Cookies For Dogs, as seen on the shelves of World Market. Our resident crotch-sniffing wonder dog, Reagan doesn't need a cookie apprising him of his fortune because I tell him every day, "I See A Sausage Factory Looming In Your Future If You Don't Stop Scratching Up My Windows." See? I could totally be a canine fortune cookie writer.
I have an unhealthy obsession with edible drinking cups. It began somewhere in my childhood when I saw Willy Wonka crunch into this tulip-shaped teacup he plucked from a bush. Anyway, Willy Wonka had to contend with a crispy cup that sounded like it was made from a stale rice wafer. I'm opting for these made out of Belgian chocolate.

The stockers at World Market must have a lot of fun when they decide where to shelve merchandise. What else can explain the cans of Spotted Dick juxtaposed next to the Wing Nut containers? If you combine a Spotted Dick with a pair of Winged Nuts you'll get the oddest dragon-ish mythological creature ever created.....probably the blindest and the dumbest, too.

I scoped out these Poker Pretzels for bloggy friend and Mistress Of The Poker Table, Alice. Pretzel diamonds can also be a girl's best friend.

And finally I'd like to conclude the Infidel World Tour by showing the "obvious much?" label on this nutty bag of Naked Nuts. Okay, it's a sack of peanuts manufactured by a company called Naked Nuts and yet they still had to post a disclaimer on the back stating: Manufactured in a facility that uses Peanuts and other nuts.
You know what I loved the most? The very stoic cashier-who's checked us out nearly every time we venture to the 99 Cents Only store-never cracks so much as a smile at us. Well, while he was ringing us out I was busy taking pictures of the Naked Nuts on the conveyor belt. Suddenly my mini-Infidels started whining, "Mooooom, he's done. You need to come pay now." And so naturally I told them, "Not now. I'm busy playing with these here Naked Nuts."
We actually scored an LOL-moment from the Cashier. Yesssssss!

35 comments:

Tori :) said...

First??

Tori :) said...

Why- YES I AM First!! Woo hoo!! Now I forgot what I was gonna comment.
Oh yes- THE SOCKS. What the heck was that thing?? Mr. Potatohead the realtor?

jendoop said...

You made me smile, thanks. But then I frowned because I don't have a World Market.

How do you find the courage to take pics in the store?

Physcokity said...

"because food poisoning is timeless."

I laughed hard. For a minute straight.

Here's your floral teacup

Physcokity said...

Umm I think I'll skip my Naked Nuts comment...

April said...

Speaking of nuts.... there is a comercial on TV right now for nuts... well at the end it says

"... makes for a REALLY great Nuts SNACK!"

Well... my husband thought it said something else... I mean... the nuts are in a sack...

Oh man, it just sounded BAD.

Lauren said...

MUST.HAVE.THOSE.SOCKS.PRONTO

b. said...

LoL at your comments...

I think your .99 store is really a pron shop!

joanna said...

Now that I know a "spotted dick" should be in a can, I need to refer my husband to a doctor.


(that joke really didn't turn out that great, did it?)

joanna said...

P.S. I love this post!

Ringmaster said...

I am going in search of the nearest World Market immediately. And what is it with the people that work there. At my local $1 store they have no personality.

No Cool Story said...

Who is Don Gustavo guy?!?
How dare he?
HOW.DARE.HE.

The Raisinette/Milk Dud/prune/mutant potato head with legs is scary Elastic!!

Rhonda said...

I hope you bought those socks for the next exchange. But please don't draw my name. ha!

Elizabeth-W said...

Tonight on the Colbert Report, Stevie made a reference to blow drying one's grapes. I have no idea what that means, but he said it was a metaphor and I bet you might know what it means.

J-Mom said...

Prunes with armpit hair for breakfast==not so yummy.

Sounds like shopping with you and your family is a blast!

Diesel said...

Poker pretzels? That makes for a low stakes game.

Chell said...

LOL at this post! I loooove seeing whats in this store! We have nothing like it here, so its a good laugh! I will add it to the places to visit when I come over!

glittersmama said...

Yay for getting a laugh out of the statue of a cashier!

nora.lakehurst said...

LOL Ok I think I almost peed my pants. That is so funny. HEE HEE Ok I think my favorite was the zombie starfish. Those faces for some reason make me laugh so hard.

Melissa said...

One day I am going to come to Texas to go shopping with you!! I think it would possibly be the most entertaining experience I could ever have!

Hey It's Di said...

Seriously Elastic. You really need to charge for a guided tour around these stores! You find more cool stuff than anyone I know. And I would buy it all:)

I'm craving me some Pirate Booty right now!

Lori said...

APRIL!!!!!! The first two times I saw that commercial I thought exactly the same thing as your hubby. I almost made a post on my blog about it. lmao!!

Ok, what the heck is 'spotted dick'??? Any ideas?

LMAO I was at the dollar store not half an hour ago...why didn't I think to take my camera???!!! lol

Hey It's Di said...

Oh man! I'm so excited! I just found out that there is a World Market here in Park City where we are vacationing. I'm going!

No 99 cent store though. *Sigh!

omar said...

I want to comment about "spotted dick," but I fear that anything I say will come out wrong.

It's not often that talking about naked nuts is considered the safer route.

Jean Knee said...

I soooo want to go shopping with you, infidel. It seems so much more fun than my slog around HEB.

I want me some of them chocolate cups. mmm I'm guessing you shouldn't drink that don gustavo stuff out of them

Jean Knee said...

Brian should know about spotted dick


snicker....

Tracy said...

What exactly is "spotted dick?" And will you be making any recipes with it on your other blog?

I wish we had a store like yours around here. They have the most interesting things!

Oh and that part in the Willy Wonka movie? I've always wanted to eat my tea cup too. It's funny what sticks with us.

Tracy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bee said...

Nobody tell Tracy what a spotted dick is! If she doesn't know by now, she must be doing something wrong!

Wuz up with those socks? Now I'm going to have nightmares!

Nancy Face said...

You scored SEVERAL laugh out loud moments from ME! :D

Alice said...

Mmmm...poker pretzels...nectar of the gods...

Need to get some of the those for the next tournament because everyone ate my Sunchips last time. This time, I put out the poker pretzels and horde the Sunchips for myself.

I hope you bought the sox for the next exchange!

Mindi said...

love how you are straight killin' it with the dollar store employees--did you leave with a "thank you, i'll be here all night...."??

our local dollar store is one of my favorite people watching places. never before have you ever seen a bigger collection of people wearing scrunchies. it's MAGICAL.

Mad Libs Millie said...

Results are up!

Amber said...

Why can I not comment on the above post? It confirmed to me that I should have won the question playing "Apples to apples" the other night when I said the 80s were "radical."

Like totally....

wynne said...

So, this is the secret behind finding cool socks? (Though I suppose that one is an exception...personally, I think he's an artist's depiction of what a particle of yeast looks like in Wonder bread...)