Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Smiling Infidel Gardening Club Prize Patrol Is On The Loose.........You May Already Be A Winner!

Now, I'm not one of those types that crawls around on the lawn-magnifying glass in hand-examining each blade of grass, but I do take some pride in the outward appearance of our humble little abode we've dubbed 'The Infidel Estate'.

Lately we've found ourselves on the receiving end of a flurry of correspondence from our cantankerous Homeowner's Association. I'm an undying optimist. Every time a new letter from our beloved H.O.A makes a grand appearance in our mailbox, my heart starts to flutter wildly. I always assume that it can only mean good things are headed our way after 12 years of living in this sub par neighborhood and that the H.O.A is finally going to award us the prize of prizes........the honor of honors.......the glory of glories.......YARD OF THE MONTH!

Alas, it usually states things like "we plan to notify our Attorney if your yard is not brought into compliance with our deed restrictions in a timely manner."

So just what constitutes Yard-Of-The-Month-Worthiness to the esteemed members of our H.O.A?

Well, judging from last month's winner, the H.O.A deems pickle-inspired landscaping as the most praiseworthy yard design our subdivision has to offer.
(Oh please, this lackluster yard would so not even make it as the Greenhouse Green Of The Month centerfold. Ever.)
You know, I'm a good person. I don't need any green thumb approval from a snit-picky band of bunchy-butt biddies who go around reeking of compost pile perfume. No, I refuse to play their cucumber shrub mind games!

Since I wasn't born with a silver trowel in my hand, I'll never be invited to join their snarling neighborhood pack of Miracle Gro sniffers. I knew that if I wanted the elusive award, I'd have to forge my own path to victory.

I wasn't content with a ho-hum Yard Of The Month sign-because really, any ambitious fool with a vat of chinch bugs and a gallon of bleach to decimate their neighbor's lawn can win that. I opted instead to create a shining beacon to my Yard Conquistador awesomeness........I'm the proud owner of this one-of-a-kind YARD OF THE MILLENNIUM sign! Yay!

In my excitement to display the signage hailing us as grand masters of the lawn&garden utopia world, I accidentally soiled myself.

It wasn't my fault. That special gardening soil I use in my award winning planters is tricky stuff.

We're compassionate Conquistadors. So it seemed only right that we should share our bounteous blessings with others. Me and the mini-Infidels piled into the truck and set forth on a mirthful mission to bring a small piece of prize-winning joie de vivre to the masses.

One look at this planter featuring a gigantic ant mound-teeming with fiery hot contestants from the Miss Fire Ants In Your Pants pageant-and we knew that we had found the grand prize winner of our Sexiest Fire Ants category. Congratulations!

Snoop Dogg is a knowledgeable authoritarian on the history, evolution, and crop value of the almighty weed. I'm just a lowly emissary of the prestigious Snoop Dogg Garden Society........ but I'm positive that he'd approve of these homeowners who chose to go with a Weed, Weed, And More Weed landscaping plan for their yard. They also took top honors for their enticing pot strategically placed a mere footsteps away from their front door; for easy pot access, no doubt.

Notice that Weird Al is featured on this sign with ebullient rays of light surrounding him as though he's an omnipotent presence? Weird Al offered his divine inspiration as he informed me of his desire to share the Whiter-Than-Sour Cream award with a worthy individual. Despite spending day-after-day in the blistering Houston sun, our lawn jockey winner has never burned. He remains a whiter shade of pale and for that we commend him and his homeowner handlers. Good Job!

(I found out later that a local tanning bed place offers special Lawn Jockey discounts. Apparently our supposedly squeaky clean whitey winner was a former client of this establishment. Scandalous!)

Who better to represent the Best Undead Lily prize than the world's foremost recognized Undead Lily, Lily Munster?

My lilies croaked off into an early death this year. Happily by the dawn of spring they'll resurrect themselves and rise forth, pushing up through the fertile soil to live amongst us once more. LILY ZOMBIES!!!!!!

I'm not insinuating that these homeowners are practicing some kind of ritualized chicken bone Lily Voodoo. It is rather odd though that nobody else around here can keep their lilies alive past June- and yet, these lilies are still thriving at the end of July. Hmmmmm. They're lucky that the H.O.A doesn't demand that they be burned on suspicion of gardening witchcraft.

Our celebrity spokesperson, Big Bird makes no secret of the fact that he likes to watch the chickadees shake their tail feathers down at the Bird Bath Cabaret whenever he's on a filming break from Sesame Street. He never tires of telling the naive, young swallows, "Hey baby, do you wanna know the real reason why they call me Big Bird?"

On hot summer days, this exquisite bird bath masterpiece-crafted of the finest concrete- becomes more like a Bird Jacuzzi, just ready to host a full-blown bird bath bonanza. (R.S.V.P to Robin or Jay)
What lucky person wouldn't want a sign telling the world that Presidential nominee, Barack Obama loves their bush??!!? We awarded this fetching congratulatory masterpiece to the owners of a most gorgeous Esperanza Bush-filled with an insane amount of vibrant yellow blooms. You see, Esperanza means "HOPE" in Spanish......and Senator Obama is all about spreading messages of "HOPE", right? He even wrote a best-selling book with "HOPE" featured prominently in the title. Well, this bush is hopeful hopefulness at its most hope-inducing. It's unfortunate that it doesn't have anything else to offer beyond physical beauty and a shallow promise of hope.

This is likely the only time in history you'll ever witness Obama declaring his love for a Bush in Texas. :)

If you weren't one of the lucky winners this year, don't despair. We plan on making this an annual event. I don't have enough money to start up a philanthropic society but at least I'm doing a little something to give back to our local community. I wonder if I can claim posterboard and markers as a tax write-off since it was used for charitable purposes?


nikko said...


What did the recipients think? Did you knock on the door ala Ed McMahon??

Science Teacher Mommy said...

The yards of the month in that neighborhood were always bad. And, truthfully, there were a lot of yards in need of tweaking, so who are they to send out notices? Do they honestly have an ATTORNEY? And who are "they" anyway??????

Geosomin said...

Oy. Very Kewl.
I definitely would *not* win yard of the year. I'm surprised the neighbors haven't surrounded the house with pitchforks and torches yet...I've been busy fixing up the inside, but the outside is my husbands domain, which I end up trying to do as he doesn't. So the yard is tended at my whim...which is oh, about once a month or so. Not a great way to impress your neighbors.
I'm done the inside tho - so now it working on the outside ...um...next year...ish. I only hope they'll put up with us a bit longer...

Alice said...

ROFL! You are pure genius, my dear. Won't you be MY neighbor?! Come on...think of how fun that could be.

My first thought after seeing the "Shizziest Weeds Evah" award was to throw one of those up in front of my house. And could you make one for my neighbor with the nasty collection of plastic birds in his yard? All those perfectly mowed rows get negated when you stick a plastic eagle on your yard lighthouse.

Stephanie and Co. said...

Holy laugh-out-loud! I wish I lived in your neighborhood so I could aspire to your yard awards. The signs were absolutely genius. Right now my flowers look like they were burned in a horrible fire. What kind of award could I get for that?

Chell said...

That was hilarious!! Oh my word, I have to echo the rest of the commenters - I wanna live in your neighbourhood! Would have loved to see the looks on the lucky winners' faces! :)

You rock!

Elizabeth-W said...

Big Bird is 5!!!! I don't want to think about BB gettin' busy!!!!! AUGGGGH!!!!!!!

breathes deeply, calms self.....

I know ya'll planted (get it?) those in the dead of night.

Has anyone ever told you how funny you are? 'Cause you are one funny chica.

Physcokity said...

Mr. Rogers ain't got nothin' on you!

I'm convinced that H.O.A.s are teh devil. I'm all for keeping things clean and looking good, but seriously...some people are just freakin' cuckoo!

J-Mom said...

I'm so glad I found your site, because I'm still constantly getting great laughs!

Me & my sister laughed at all your signs.

I'm so glad that I don't live in a neighborhood that has a HOA. I'd been kicked out already.

Jean Knee said...

wow. you got a lot going on in your hood. We don't have lanscaping so we can't get letters :)

Mindi said...

that was the best!!! i must say that i am a little bitter that i did not receive my own "shizziest weeds" award a la snoop, but those were seriously awesome and creative and took some time and effort--i commend you!!!

Bee said...

ooh! I want one of those signs but mine would probably be "#1 Harbor-er of Killer Mosquitoes".
According to my niece, I live in a forest.

No Cool Story said...

"This Texas bush gives me hope."

OMGosh Elsatic, this is my favoritest post ever. EVER. E.V.E.R.
I bet the lucky winners are peeing their pants.

Do you think they/you will be in the news??

Lori said...

ROFL OMG that is f'ing hilarious! Too too funny!
Although it just makes me stress more about the yard I have been stressing over lately. lol

Annie said...

If your yard was in a beauty pageant, it would win Miss Congeniality!

Suburban Hippie said...

It's official... I love you.

Lauren said...

Shizziest Weeds! That is genius. I love the "We love your Bush" one too!

omar said...

I wish we had a "yard of the month" in my neighborhood. I can do without the homeowners association, though.

My fave is the pimpin bird bath sign.

Jill said...

We could win the weed one.

I sometimes wonder if someone comes into our yard in the dead of night and plants more weeds.

Weeds are evil.

Sketchy said...

We have weeds that we're starting to call shade trees in the backyard, what do we win?

I'm glad you got the coveted Yard of the Millennium Award though because it inspired this awesomeness. You are a woman of creative prowess and daring nerve. DANGEROUS! No wonder your H.O.A. keeps such close tabs on you.

Anonymous said...

my H.O.A.'s better than your H.O.A.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Featured on Good Mom/Bad mom on the Houston Chronicle: http://tinyurl.com/5m4rgg

Mrs. Tantrum said...

This is so funny. Please come to Seattle and help me do this here. Although I am sure that our HOA will impose a FINE if they find out who did it. (NEVERMIND that three or four yards look like Lily Munster's front yard. Fo Shizzle)

Melissa said...

You'll always be yard of the millennium to me Elastic!

Nancy Face said...

I hate pickles, but I'm not gonna lie...I'm kind of liking those foolish pickle bushes.

Don't be hatin'!

Nancy Face said...

I absolutely LOVE this post! Did you REALLY go around and deliver those signs?


Did I tell you I love this? :)

Nancy Face said...

My favorite is the Sexiest Fire Ants, with the Best Undead Lily close a close second! :)

Nancy Face said...


Natasha Becoming Something said...

THAT is hilarious. Love the Best Undead Lily.

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