Saturday, August 02, 2008

Make Sure You Have A Tissue Ready Before Reading This Post........

My sucktastic job has a rather long history of shafting their hardest workers. They continually deny carriers any pay increases to help offset some of our ever-staggering fuel costs despite the company enjoying a record profits gain last year, courtesy of their ad revenue ka-ching.

Lately though, they've taken their nickel-and-dime scrimping to all new depths of Scrooginess. The corporate powers-that-be have evidently decided that us lowly inkprint-stained peons are not even worthy enough to bother stocking toilet paper anymore down at our stinkhole warehouse. 

So now when us community newspaper carriers hold our weekly pity party at the warehouse it'll be a B.Y.O.B.W (Bring Your Own Butt Wipes) event.

Naturally, we weren't apprised of the T.P. cutback measures in advance.  My oldest Infidel daughter, Sunbum and I had to find out the hard way last week.

I hearkened onto Sunbum's pitiful cries as she bellowed out to me from the restroom: "Moooooooom, I need some toilet paper....PLEASE!"

Paper, paper everywhere....but not a square to wipe with. I know that theoretically the warehouse supplies plenty of multi-functional paper sufficient for our wiping needs, but the thought of smearing newspaper print across my giant jiggly-juggly rear end makes me shudder with revulsion. I remember pressing newspapers to my arm as a kid so I could watch the black typed letters magically transfer onto my skin. My friends all did it, too. It was the Poor Man's version of temporary tattoos. You should have seen my Silly Putty back then. It was a tattooed freak!

So after ransacking my truck in search of something, anything to help out my poor toilet-bound Sunbum, I just gave up and started singing this catchy little song I made up on the spot to the tune of Paul Simon's Slip Slidin' Away: Drip Dryin' Today, Drip Dryin' Tooddaaaay.....When You're Out Of Toilet Paper You Know You'll Be Drip Dryin' Today! 

Sunbum emerged from the restroom completely unamused. Meanwhile, I laughed so hard at my Weird Al-inspired lyrical cleverness that I found myself in need of the facilities too. 

My dutiful little Sunbum uncovered a long-forgotten pack of tissue paper, that we'd used to wrap a last minute present, shoved into the door of the truck.

What choice did I have? Of course I used the tissue paper. After all, my body is a gift, so why not use gift paper on it? Delicate tissue for my delicate tissues.......

*I left the remainder of the tissue for the next commode inhabitant to pamper themselves with because I'm considerate like that*

22 comments:

Alice said...

Sunbum..you come travel and pal around with me next time. I never go anywhere without a roll of toilet paper any more. I've learned my lessons the hard way.

And by hard way, I mean walking around with wet underwear.

Jean Knee said...

Oh the Outrage! How dare that evil conglomerate type empire deny my infidel of ass wipes!!!!!

Jean Knee said...

take the word of out of above statement.


now say the preceding sentence 5 times fast

Lisa said...

Ok, those newspaper people are just mean. However, when I read the title, I got a little worried. I thought this was going somewhere else, and I am happy that it didn't. Better no TP than no job.

NOBODY said...

Your little Sunbum is resourceful. I need a resourceful kid around here, can I borrow her?

Jay said...

Heavens above, that's just crappy.

Oops.

How about 'below the belt'?

Hey It's Di said...

Oh the horror of having to drip dry! That just makes working miserable I say.

My hubby is quite resourceful when hunting or camping. He usually comes home with squares cut out of the bottom of his shirts or socks missing. I don't ask questions anymore and assume his underwear will at least be clean:)

Such a great use of a clearly useless song! I've always hated "Slip sliding away". I'll remember your version.

Mindi said...

i've "drip dried" many a time--and the tissue paper? genius!

i think we should all go back to the ancient practice of leaves.

good times.

Lori said...

Wow what a totally ungrateful lot that conglomerate is!
I'd almost be afraid to use tissue paper...seepage and all....

Tori :) said...

You are very thoughtful to leave the left over tissue paper!!

I carry travel TP in my car at all times. I'm paranoid like that.

Physcokity said...

Thus I randomly carry an extra roll of TP in the car...it serves three purposes.

1) Exacting of light revenge under the cover of darkness in the spur of the moment.

2) Kleenex substitute

3) The emergency roadside pitt stop.

I also have a stock pile of napkins from the random fast food events.

Physcokity said...

Maybe they figured there were already enough *A$$ wipes, so they didn't need to buy any more.








*This of course excludes all infidels.

Jay said...

Oooh! I vote for the leaves!!! If enough POed employees use leaves and flush them, they'll soon bring back the free toilet paper! LOL!

jams o donnell said...

Gah what a bunch of miserly, penny pinching (expletives dresed up as adjectives deleted)gobshites.

I think jay may be on to something!

Suburban Hippie said...

The thought of wiping with news paper is more horrible than I can possible express.

Jill said...

Love the song! I'll be singing it all day.

Nancy Face said...

I just sang your "Drip Dryin' Today song to Kris Face...he was quite entertained! :D

Nancy Face said...

On the hike at Girls' Camp I had to pee at the top of the mountain. I successfully squatted against a nice big rock and was so proud I didn't get my pants wet...but when the leaf I wiped with did no good whatsoever and I resorted to drip drying, they ended up wet anyway. :S

Nancy Face said...

I'm always making up foolish words to songs and cracking myself up, then I notice I'm the only one laughing.

Nancy Face said...

I think it would be kind of funny to wipe with newsprint! :D

Leeuna said...

I would have gone for the newspaper, ink and all. I hate to wear wet pants! I learned the hard way to always keep tissue in my purse. {{shudder}}

Natasha Becoming Something said...

I did that with my Silly Putty too.

You should have sang "Hey Ya"'s "Shake it, shake it, shake it... shake it like a polaroid picture, shake it..." More effective than drip drying. Sheesh! ;-)