My sucktastic job has a rather long history of shafting their hardest workers. They continually deny carriers any pay increases to help offset some of our ever-staggering fuel costs despite the company enjoying a record profits gain last year, courtesy of their ad revenue ka-ching.
Lately though, they've taken their nickel-and-dime scrimping to all new depths of Scrooginess. The corporate powers-that-be have evidently decided that us lowly inkprint-stained peons are not even worthy enough to bother stocking toilet paper anymore down at our stinkhole warehouse.
So now when us community newspaper carriers hold our weekly pity party at the warehouse it'll be a B.Y.O.B.W (Bring Your Own Butt Wipes) event.
Naturally, we weren't apprised of the T.P. cutback measures in advance. My oldest Infidel daughter, Sunbum and I had to find out the hard way last week.
I hearkened onto Sunbum's pitiful cries as she bellowed out to me from the restroom: "Moooooooom, I need some toilet paper....PLEASE!"
Paper, paper everywhere....but not a square to wipe with. I know that theoretically the warehouse supplies plenty of multi-functional paper sufficient for our wiping needs, but the thought of smearing newspaper print across my giant jiggly-juggly rear end makes me shudder with revulsion. I remember pressing newspapers to my arm as a kid so I could watch the black typed letters magically transfer onto my skin. My friends all did it, too. It was the Poor Man's version of temporary tattoos. You should have seen my Silly Putty back then. It was a tattooed freak!
So after ransacking my truck in search of something, anything to help out my poor toilet-bound Sunbum, I just gave up and started singing this catchy little song I made up on the spot to the tune of Paul Simon's Slip Slidin' Away: Drip Dryin' Today, Drip Dryin' Tooddaaaay.....When You're Out Of Toilet Paper You Know You'll Be Drip Dryin' Today!
Sunbum emerged from the restroom completely unamused. Meanwhile, I laughed so hard at my Weird Al-inspired lyrical cleverness that I found myself in need of the facilities too.
My dutiful little Sunbum uncovered a long-forgotten pack of tissue paper, that we'd used to wrap a last minute present, shoved into the door of the truck.
What choice did I have? Of course I used the tissue paper. After all, my body is a gift, so why not use gift paper on it? Delicate tissue for my delicate tissues.......
*I left the remainder of the tissue for the next commode inhabitant to pamper themselves with because I'm considerate like that*