Monday, July 14, 2008

They're Trying To Tell Us Something.....If Only We'd Listen!

Did you know that I'm a mover and a shaker? Yes, it's true. To be more specific, it's actually my tremendous derriere-resembling a hot air balloon with a giant seam running up the middle- that's attained the official mover and shaker status. The Cheek Family-residing somewhere on the Infidel Southside Backside- are proud to announce that they're not only mover/shakers but they're also esteemed gold members of the Wiggly-Jiggly Club, too.

Lately, though, I'm starting to think that my right butt cheek is desperately trying to send me a message through a fat tissue Morse Code system that goes like this:
Twitch-Sag-Twitch-Twitch-Spasm-Still-Pulsate-Twitch
Can anybody translate that for me?
My left butt cheek remains wholly silent. It very well could be mute but I don't know since I haven't had my butt cheeks tested for disabilities.

The oldest Infidel daughter, Sunbum, confided in me this weekend that she too felt weird involuntary movements in her right butt cheek. Naturally this led to a lengthy discussion delving into the deeper meaning of it all:
Sunbum: "My right butt cheek feels weird whenever you play your loud cantina music.....almost like it has a pulse.....pulsating to the rhythm of the beat."

Me: "Ewww, a pulse? That's one place you don't want your heart located- just think of the nasty stuff it'll pump through your body."

Sunbum: "True dat!"

Me: " My right butt cheek feels a lot like when I was pregnant with all you mini-Infidels. It's almost as if something is on the inside kicking and pushing and trying to get out. That's all I need is for my butt cheek to suddenly birth yet another butt cheek. I don't want another mouth to feed or another butt crack to wipe."

Sunbum :(Laughing Irreverently At My Butt Cheek Pains And Concerns)

If I ever somehow decipher the mysterious Butt Cheek Morse Code I'll post the key here. Maybe all of our individual butt cheeks are working as a collective with bits and pieces of a bigger apocalyptic message and we must work together to solve the mystery before it's too late!

I am so sending this post to M. Night Shyamalan for screenplay consideration.

30 comments:

Hey It's Di said...

I have a similar problem with my cheeks and I think I have decoded what mine are saying to me. "NO MORE DOUGHNUTS LADY! We are being squeezed tightly in your size too small pants because you are not willing to tell your stomach NO!" It's talking alright but I'm not so willing to listen:)

I'm not sure what your cheek is saying?

Physcokity said...

Dang no firstity first-ness

Physcokity said...

Apparently sunbum is genetically programmed to salsa dance./ Nice spin on the Romantics ;)

Physcokity said...

Email me! I need your addy.

Lola said...

I happen to be fluent in "Cheekish"!!
You might even call me a Bum-whisperer......but don't!

Your hiney is trying to tell you that you need more chocolate. You must eat everything in even numbers...two candy bars, 4 donuts..etc. This will keep you balanced!

You're welcome!

Alice said...

I'm thinking it was just some aftershocks from the burrito/sauerkraut combo earlier.

Twitch-Sag-Twitch-Twitch-Spasm-Still-Pulsate-Twitch is code for "get your finger out of the socket".

omar said...

Do you find that your twitching correlates to a particular genre of music as well? I have no theories, I'm just curious.

J-Mom said...

Involuntary Muscle Spasms keeping the beat---pretty stinking awesome.

& very funny!!!!

aubrey said...

hee hee..give birth to another butt cheek.

JustRandi said...

It's like the pulsing signal the aliens sent in Independence Day. Only through your butt cheeks instead of the cable tv system.

On one hand, at least we're getting the messages. On the other, this would be a really inconvenient time for an alien invasion.

Maybe you could send a message asking them to try back later...

Millie said...

My butt cheeks twitch after a long walk. I think it's my butt cheek fat cells rebelling.

"I hear the secrets that you keep" was my favorite part. :)

Millie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jean Knee said...

My booty does that sometimes but I never thought it was trying to communicate. scary

Suzanne said...

Do you drive stick shift? If you do, maybe all the shifting while on your paper route makes things get a little tense there, if you know what I mean! :) Otherwise I have no explanations! Except maybe you're being taken over by aliens! ;)

Hilary said...

You set your cell phone to vibrate and keep it in your back pocket, don't you? ;)

Dan Fogelberg on your play list.. wonderful!

VE said...

butt cheek pulsation is a delibitating disease. Ask your doctor if Butt-Numb is right for you...

Jay said...

Mine used to do that when I was Very Unfit! I guess it's a butt equivalent to the little muscle fibres throwing their hands up in horror at what they're being asked to do.

Oh no ... scary thought; butts have hands? LOL!

No Cool Story said...

Loud cantina music?
Hmm, this is very interesante.

Try Huey!

Anna Maria Junus said...

Just when I think it can't get any wierder, you surprise me yet again.

Lori said...

hmmm I am not a member of this club. But if you know of one for eyes, upper arms or even the stomach let me know.

Nancy Face said...

I feel so left out...I'd kinda enjoy some good butt cheek communication, and the dang things refuse to speak to me! :(

Nancy Face said...

Sometimes my eyelid twitches...maybe it's trying to birth a third eye.

Chell said...

Hee hee...you crack me up..no pun intended...I have to agree with Alice...since you and Sunbum both started wars in your tums, I think its payback!

Rhonda said...

My left butt cheek has been communicating with me since Scarlett was born. Not sure if it is saying "quit having children" or "get off your arse."

P.S. My hubby says "true dat" all the time and it makes me want to sucker punch him.

Shelley said...

Since I would never want to deny anyone a celebratory platter of nachos...hi! I found your blog through Diesel tagging you for his meme that's not really a meme. I'm glad he did. Great stuff!

Btw, my 16 year-old daughter is in love with Edward too. She thought that shirt was awesome.

wynne said...

What a cheeky post!

wynne said...

I think that the right cheek is the dominant cheek. That's the only reason the left cheek is silent: it is afraid the right one will slap in into submission if it tries to say anything.

wynne said...

Perhaps the cheek is receiving transmissions from outer space. Or maybe it's just pickin' up on your satellite radio and tryin' to groove. Or maybe it's just trying to work something out. Something...gassy.

wynne said...

OR worse.

wynne said...

(I can't believe you posted about communication problems with your cheeks. Why can't I be more like you, huh?)