Friday, July 11, 2008

My House Is More Ghetto Than Your House: Home Bra Repair Clinic

All teenage girls have to suffer through bouts of unimaginable humiliation in public at the hands of their mother. I'm not generalizing here. I wrote ALL TEENAGE GIRLS and I most certainly do mean ALL TEENAGE GIRLS.
Admittedly, I registered pretty high on the Dork-O-Meter as a teenage girl. However, not even my super geekiness could spin a magic bubble to insulate me from the embarrassing things my mom did.
Really, there's just so many stories to choose from regarding my mother but the one incident that stands out at the forefront of my cerebellum involves the time my mom put her intimate apparel on display for the whole world to see.
Okay, maybe that's a bit melodramatic. I mean, my mom wasn't writhing about in a bullet bra and garters like Madonna while moaning the words to 'Like A Virgin' or anything like that but she did decide to liquidate her entire outgrown bra and lingerie collection at our neighborhood garage sale one balmy Texas Saturday.
I helped my mom lug the endless boxes of crap out of our house and then I arranged it all on tables for strangers to pick through. I always enjoyed watching bargain hunters show up to haggle with my mom because she expertly disguised her true nature as a Master of the Wheel And Deal behind her blond suburban mom coif and big smile. Her years growing up in farm country and going to auctions served her well.
Anyway, through the hodgepodge of mislabeled boxes that were souvenirs of our last move my internal alarm barely registered a blip when I spied the gigantic cardboard container with the word BRAS written in wide-tip black Sharpie marker across it.
And then my mom affixed a sign to the front of the box that read 'ALL BRAS-$1.00.'
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo........................
I got all disgusted with my mom and I kept shouting at her "What if the neighbors see this? What will they think? What about my friends? What if they show up and they go and tell everyone that my mom is a second-hand booby holder dealer? And furthermore, who the freak even buys used bras at a garage sale?"
My mom assured me that people would buy the bras......and buy the bras they did!
Big bras, little bras, bras to match your crocs, ugly bras, pretty bras, and even bras with red dots like chicken pox!
Hordes of bra hungry women excitedly rummaged through the Big Box Of Bras. Some of them even slipped the bras on over their shirts while they exaggeratedly puffed out their chests and paraded them around our driveway like it was some sort of Goodwill brassiere fashion show. (It's significantly less popular than the Victoria's Secret one.)
I looked at the scattered menagerie of bras that fell to the ground during the height of the bra stampede and I said a silent prayer of thanks that at such a brisk sales pace the bras should be gone before anyone we knew could see what nefarious offerings my mother was peddling at her garage sale of iniquity.

Granted, now that I'm an adult I fully understand what kind of ka-ching a good bra costs-- but I still can't imagine purchasing undergarments at a garage sale unless it's sponsored by a Maidenform sales rep.
Shamefully, I also have a whole drawer full of non-operational bras. It is really hard to find a comfortable titty restrainer.....it really is. You know, the friendly clerk inside the Kohl's Intimates Department is nice enough but she's not going to let me test-drive a new bra off the showroom floor--and really that's what I need. I need to test a bra out in all conditions to see how they adapt to my lifestyle. Can I work comfortably without it riding up on me? Does it make me have the dreaded Third-Boob Syndrome after a few hours of use? Are the hook enclosures easy to manage?
These are all important factors to consider. When I find a bra that I like I'll go back and stock up on that one bra model. Sadly, most of them fail the Infidel Boob Test so they get retired to the bottom of the drawer in my 'Emergency Bra Use Only' pile.
Here at La Casa De Smiling Infidel, we are on a very tight budget. There's no wiggle room for frivolous expenditures like frilly lace ta-ta torture chambers or brand new bazonga binder cups. No, I must make do with the crusty but reliable bras I already have.
In the spirit of resourcefulness unbounded I've started my own at-home bra rehabilitation clinic to extend the life of my bra favorites just a little bit longer...... Every day I fend off the deadly clutches of the Brassiere Grim Reaper.

Observe the stretched-out condition of this bra and how all the elastic strands have started showing through.

This is an easy Bra Doctor remedy that only requires the surgical precision of a good pair of sewing scissors.

See, a few snip-snips here and a few snip-snips there and it's like new once more!(Make note of the elastic amputees cast off to the side. It was quite a successful operation!)
I'm also skilled at bending the bra hooks back into shape with a pair of pliers. I'm an expert at severing the silly rose thing manufacturers stick in the middle of the bra giving you the appearance of having three nipples. I've sewn straps down that were trying to make a clean break away from the life and times of being an Elasticwaistbandlady bra. I've wielded a Super-Glue tube like nobody's business and permanently glued the adjuster clip thingies to ensure they don't slip down suddenly and leave me "hanging."

They tried to send me back to bra rehab. and I said YES! YES! YES! There's no shame in admitting you need bra help. Let me, your amateur Bra Doctor, assist you in your journey along the brassiere restoration path.

37 comments:

J-Mom said...

I'm in need of some major bra therapy. One of the first things my sister said to me at our last family reunion was, "You really need a new bra!" ( I was wearing what I thought was one of my "good" bras.) Over a year later and still sporting, with no support the same bras. But it is such a dilemma. Good bras=$$$$$$$$. Then will they actually lift those babies up, dig into you wrong, etc, etc, etc...

I hate bra shopping!!!!

Maybe I should start rummaging a little better at the garage sales.

glittersmama said...

This post killed me. I needed some humor right now. Thank you.

I hate bra shopping too.

Alice said...

ROFL. I'm with you. You'd have to kill me before wearing a yardsale bra. And that's coming from a chick with a drawer of bras that look mostly like what you posted - elastic poking out, metal hooks cut out and sweat stains. It's a good thing I'm married. I'd be too embarrassed for a good make-out session these days.

"Hey babe...why is my finger bleeding?"
"You got it hooked on my protruding underwire, fool."

JustRandi said...

Now I have the Oscar Meyer Weiner song playing over and over in my head, only with bra lyrics.

thanks for that.

Jay said...

ROFL!! I did indeed suffer unimaginable humiliation at the hands of my mother, I can't even bring myself to tell you! LOL!

But you do need a new bra. A new bra which fits well (usually needs to be bought in a genuine lingerie shop) can make you look SO much better as it lifts and supports and stuff. Honest! Yeah, they're expensive, but personally, I think they're worth it. I usually spend about £30 on a good one, which is about $60 US these days I guess. :(

Jean Knee said...

I could never buy a used bra--eww

I found a 'worn only a few times' bra a couple days ago and I swear it's taken ten years off my rack. the girls are back where they belong.

Bee said...

Never uh uh nope! No used bra ever!

I don't suffer from the elastic thingies going wacko. My issues is the wires trying to kill me. Then I remove the wires but then I'm all droopy (if you know what I mean).

Hey It's Di said...

Nope! Not wearing a used bra for nothing. I would go "Freestyle" first:P

I too have the drawer of misfit bras. I was thinking of sending them to the Island of the Misfit toys with boobs, but instead, I may just send them to you! Give up the book idea and go into bra restoration! I'm sure there's big money in that:)

Nancy Face said...

I loved every word of this! :D

Nancy Face said...

I set out one of LAUREN'S cast off bras at my last yard sale...and it sold! Haha! :D
http://busybeelauren.blogspot.com/2008/04/because-you-want-to-know.html

Nancy Face said...

I'm baaaaack! I forgot to say something...

I immediately spotted the Armour Hot Dog jingle and got very excited. I was singing along and loving it! :D

That girl from Shallotte said...

Amateur Bra Doctor? Pshaw. Try Amateur Bra Savior! I was just trying to describe to my gay best friend the agony of the escaped underwire. Got any advice on salvaging/punishing the perfectly good bra that's stabbing you all day?

I'm so glad I can ask you. My blonde Mama is skinny and even after having three children is barely a B and doesn't need the extra support of the underwire. Caught her staring at my Ds (I'm childless) and when I called her out on it, she said, "I'm just trying to figure out where they came from."

All hail the Bra Savior!

No Cool Story said...

WOW! I see yet another book in your future: Teh Bra Doctor.

Congrats :D

Jami said...

:D Post and comments brightened my day! Thanks!

I would totally wear a used bra if it was in good shape and my size and I did not have to look the previous owner in the eyes when I buy it.

My E-teen said, "It's OK, Mom. Moooom, let's go. Pleeeease." When I began looking at the Goodwill bras for her the other day. Torture perfected. Mwahahaha! (That was an evil laugh, just in case you couldn't tell.)

Hot Air said...

"Big bras, little bras, bras to match your crocs,

Ugly bras, pretty bras, and even bras with red dots like chicken pox!"

Now add illustrations, and you are the new, infidelized Dr. Suess! Oh, the places you'll go!

(Fiona- ha ha!! Awesome.)

nikko said...

:LOVED: this post. I have one or two bras that I love and wear constantly. The others are banished to bottom of the heap.

Hope the Bra Doctor makes a chapter in your new book.

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

This is an excellent post and a timely one for me; all of my bras SUCK! Unfortunately, I'm kinda heavy right now, so I hate to spend $40 now, only to have it be too big a month from now; when I gain weight, it goes straight to my boobs and gut. (Yeah, I know, bragging or complaining? It's complaining, I assure you!)

P.S. Are lighters involved in that farting contest??

Amber said...

Ahhhh, the bra stories I could tell. My most memorable is the bra I wore for YEARS that I finally retired before I got married. I won't tell you what kind of shape it was in..well, there WAS no shape.

Somehow, it was retrieved from the garbage by an evil family member and somehow finds its way under the Christmas tree. EVERY STINKIN' YEAR.

Cullen said...

My frustration of bras didn't let me tell you, that I still enjoyed the funny!

Oh how I wish for some kind of boob levitation and never have to deal with another bra again!

Yes, it is in every Mom's job description not to miss the opportunities to humiliate their children.

J-Mom said...

SUPER OOPS!!!
I messed up and posted my comment under Cullen.

I'm sure he has had bra frustration of other kind and wouldn't mind to see boob levitation.

I'm just a dork!

Tracy said...

I'm in need of some serious bra help too!
Here's my problem, I've had three kids who were all breastfed, so the girls just don't stay up where they're supposed to. Plus they're tiny.
I want a bra that brings them back up into booby region and makes them look perky. And I hate underwire. I'm sick of spending all of this money on bras only to have the underwire jump out and stab me in the armpit after three wears.
What do you suggest Bra Doctor?

JD at I Do Things said...

At 47, I am just now preparing to buy my first adult bra.

Perhaps I'll try a garage sale!

JD at I Do Things

jams o donnell said...

This could grown into a cottage industry, perhaps into a multinational franchise!

b. said...

I'm just happy to see that someone else's bra looks like that...

Manager Mom said...

I am perplexed by the notion of buying a used bra as well. It is just a small leap from there to the nether regions. Used underpants. Yargh, I just grossed myself out.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Tracy, The Bra Doctor says that us womenfolk should gather up our pitchforks, torches, and really good lawyers to file a class action lawsuit against crappy bra manufacturers.....then we'll use the settlement money to buy some nice perky boobs that don't need a titty harness at all.

Yeah, it would put my burgeoning business under but it's still worth a try.

Elizabeth-W said...

Gone are the days when I could just waltz into a Vicky's Secret and get a bra.
2 reasons--one: once you have kids, "good bra" money gets spent on 'baby needs a need pair of shoes'.
Two--VS doesn't make bras for people like me. I swear they don't. No matter what I try, my cup runneth over. My new bra is a Vanity Fair 36D style 75-183. When Penny's has a sale I'll buy a couple at once.

Mindi said...

oh. my. gosh.

thank you for making me laugh so hard that i had tears streaming down my face--

i, too, had much practice with the art of the yard sale. my mother had many a saturday wheeling and dealing, but i did not have to endure the downward shame spiral of the bra box--i DID, however, have to endure the shame of going to "robin hood's sore house" (old, OLD school version of costco where you bought everything in bulk) and having her get the cute deacon in our ward get her down two cases of sanitary napkins while i stood next to the cart wanting to die.

good times.

Geosomin said...

I just could not buy a bra at a garage sale...it'd be like buying someone's knickers at teh Sally Ann Thrift store. It just cannot be processed in my brain...

aubrey said...

you REALLY can't take bras back to the store? i really think it's worth trying, especially if it doesn't work for you. i'm all about returning things and getting my money back. and poor adolescent you having to suffer through the goodwill bra show. that story is hilarious!

Physcokity said...

I was informed the other day...and I haven't researched it yet, but apparently there is such a thing as boob levitation they essentialy insert more (as if we needed more) tissue on the underside of the b00bage so the girls can stand on their own...two feet.

No implications to your mom or anything but used lingerie= all kinds of unknown nast....I know that's why they invented detergents, but some things just don't come out in the wash.

Physcokity said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Millie said...

I'm amazed that they sell used bras and undies at places like Goodwill and DI. Really, how financially overextended would someone have to be, before that even became an option?

The last bra I bought was probably two years ago and I am working the thing. It probably doesn't flatter me much but it's comfortable and was cheap. Yowza.

Your "bra rehab" Yes Yes Yes was awesome. :) Any time you can work in a song parody, you know I'm all over you like Weird Al on a twinkie weiner sandwich.

Alice Wills Gold said...

You really are resourceful and HONEST...my kind of woman for sure.

Anna Maria Junus said...

This is Erma Bombeck quality.

As consolation, at least your mother didn't try selling her panties.

wynne said...

You know, I was relieved by the time I got to the end of the post. I thought you had found a way to...uh, recycle the old bras and turned them into some sort of a craft project: made coasters out of them or something. Or maybe hats. They'd make great hats, especially with pom-poms perched on the peaks...or maybe you had made some sort of super-utility coin purse and you were making Sunbum wear it out in public...

J-Mom said...

You could probably find a way to incorporate the bras into some weird fashion thing for the boy band costumes.