Monday, August 04, 2008

I Got Plenty Of Sole Inside! (Unfortunately It's Way Too Squishy)


Both pairs of my beloved Birkenstocks have seen a better day. I really did try to equally distribute the gift of potent Elasticwaistbandlady foot sweat between them, but they're still weathered down to a point where the insides look like Tiny Tim's teeth after he's been on a licorice bender while tiptoeing through the tulips.
The Birkenstock Two have lost all ability to properly grip my massive feet. So consequently I struggle when I'm walking to keep my tootsies from sliding around. They also make unholy armpit fart noises from the foot friction. I've grown weary of laughing off the embarrassment and telling people that I opted for shoe insoles manufactured by the Whoopee Cushion company.
I don't enjoy shoe shopping at all. If I could get my house full of mini-Infidels to work like little sweatshop elves-cobbling together shoes- I'd happily take that option over dragging myself to the store.
Luckily, I found these tanned leather beauties that scream out "MIDDLE-AGED MAMA!" while replacing my oldest daughter's black EMO shoes that sprung a leak last month. (I think she wore them down from constantly polishing them. I have weird kids with weird shoe fetishes)
Since Ross Dress For Less discount stores don't offer complimentary hose footies for trying on shoes, I snagged my new sandals without even giving them a trial run through the bargain lingerie section.
The first day of ownership I wore them to Church without incident. The second time I slipped them on though, I noticed an odd "SSSSSSSSSSS" sound that followed me everywhere I went.
I keep losing steam as I age, but I'm not losing air. My mind kept nagging me. Maybe I did have a slow leak somewhere? Well, I wasn't about to stick the tire pressure gauge in any of my holes to find out!
Perhaps my Made In India shoes came specially equipped with a bunch of baby snakes inside, and that's them in there, hissing with each step I take?
I exhausted all logical possibilities and finally concluded that the annoying sound was emanating from the ridiculously puffy sandal insole.
Terrific. Now the first impression I make when I sashay into a room will be my lifelike impression of air whooshing out of a padded, cushiony toilet seat when you plop down on it.
How will I ever win the Hide-And Seek Grand Championship when my shoes betray my location with every step? 
These sandals have been rejected by the Stealth Ninja Society and The National Library Association.

*I kept the 10 sticker inside so I could show any doubters that I am and always will be a PERFECT 10!*

25 comments:

Lisa said...

No! I can't stand shoe noises! Last week I took the kids and myself to the tennis shoe store where we spend ridiculous amounts of money on tennis shoes so that we don't have a repeat date with physical therapy due to crappy tennis shoes while running. Anyway, all 3 of us go in hoping to find the best looking shoe-I mean right fit and we tell him what size we need and he looks a little surprised and says, "Wow, I don't think I have ever fitted everyone in one family the same size shoe. And yes, we all left with 10's. (Amanda isn't even 12, yet.)

Jay said...

Perfect 10!! YAY! LOL!

I've had one or two pairs of shoes that hiss or squeak. Isn't it annoying? My new pair of summer sandals are Minnetonkas and I looove them! Not everyone likes thongs, but I think they do other styles.

Hey It's Di said...

I have had the whoopie cushion shoes before and boy is that humiliating when walking into a quiet room.

Those shoes look quite sexy (and a 10 no less) so I think that the SSSSS sound just adds the charm.

P.S. sometimes I'm a 10 and sometimes ONLY a 9 1/2. *sigh! I can't always be perfect even with shoes:)

VE said...

You need my new spray-on-shoe. Go ahead, make it as thick as you'd like and have it wrap as much or as little as you desire. Patent pending...

April said...

YAYY according to my shoes I'm a perfect 10 as well.... and you know that the only opinion that ever matters is what your shoes think. Am I right or am I right? ;o)

Rhonda said...

I'm just a 9-1/2...but sometimes a 10.

Shoe noises are bad...I wore a pair to work the other day that made a thumping noise with every step. People could track my every move. :(

Melissa said...

I have some "SSSSSS" shoes too. Makes it so hard to sneak up on people and scare the crap out of them. Which is, of course, one of my favorite past times...

Jean Knee said...

I think it's snakes in there for sure

nikko said...

Yay! I'm a 10, too. I hate shoe noises. Even my new flip flops are starting to make a hhssss, hhssss noise. Ack!

damon said...

I love the padded, cushy toilet seat. I find the air whooshing sound both comforting and relaxing.
(It's actually the the least offensive noise in there!)

Miss you kid!

Elizabeth-W said...

I'm feeling sooo average. I'm only a 6.
And the line about the baby snakes was hilarious.
I can't stand shoes that make noise. Flip flops, mules, etc. I bought a smokin' hot pair of 3 inch high espadrilles a couple summers ago and wore them only once because of the thwock thwock sound they made. Somebody at DI got a great deal. Never again will I buy shoes online.

Sketchy said...

Sadly I am stuck at a 9.

Do you play Hide-and-Seek at church? Cool!

Mindi said...

i, as well, am a perfect 10. let's hear it for us fine ladies!!

i used to be ashamed of the 10 when i was in 7th grade. now i yell it from the rooftops. if my feet were any smaller i would just tip over.

Millie said...

Did they give you a recorder to charm the snakes in your shoes?

Suzanne said...

You got them in the lingerie section?
Who knew that sandals qualified? ;)

Lori said...

Well now that IS a serious problem. But I just want to say before running my behind out of here as fast as I can...






If you are a size 10 those snakes can't bet THAT tiny! Bwhahahha

*Running*

jams o donnell said...

Pah I am a mere US size 91/2 (81/2 in teh UK but forty something in European sizing and age!) I think bored footwear makers get their own back for tiny wages by sabotaging the odd pair.. It may not put food on the table but at least there are many westerners who have footwear that can double up as a whoppee cushion!

Alice said...

What is it with the Birks? I wore them for the longest time before my ankle issues and mine would always fart too. Nothing like having to issue disclaimers all the time..."That was my shoe"..."That was my shoe"..."That was my shoe"...

Physcokity said...

OH! I have several pairs of whoopie cushion-esque soled shoes. There are also the slapper shoes that slap the bottoms of my feet at just the right trajectory causing the sound to reverberate(sp?) throughout the room.

Who invented these things!?!?

Suburban Hippie said...

My nursing shoes totally make squeeky nursing shoes sounds... I feel so authentic wearing them.

You are lucky to have size 10 feet... I where a 7 and there are never any cute shoes in my size on sale because it is the most common shoe size.

Jill said...

The sandals that I wore to church last Sunday are noisy.
One of them squeaks.
This wouldn't be too much of a problem, but with our chronic lateness, everyone hears it loud and clear.
Step, SQUEAK! step, SQUEAK! Step, SQUEAK! step, SQUEAK!..........
And if that wasn't bad enough, my three year old says (in his outdoor voice) "Why you wearin' you bwoken shoes mom?"

Nancy Face said...

Sssssnakes! Why did it have to be snakes? :0

Nancy Face said...

Wait just a second! I thought I was the middle-aged mama around here! If YOU are, then I'm practically a dead thing! :0

Nancy Face said...

Listen to this...the former owners of my home are relatives of the strange and famous Tiny Tim. One day he was in town and came to visit them, and he performed "Tiptoe through the tulips" in their living room.

Now that very same living room is MINE, and it's famous!

Or something.

Natasha Becoming Something said...

Well, for old lady shoes, they're pretty nice, embarrassing sounds aside.

I hate the way that fake leather squeaks against itself. I've loudly made that noise in church. I think they said, "IWEARCHEAPSHOESSSS!"