Friday, September 19, 2008

Important Lessons Learned During The Hurricane Ike Aftermath

As The Infidel Family bravely soldiers on towards our EIGHTH DAY without electricity, or refrigeration, or Internet, or cooking capabilities, or the overhead fart fan in the bathroom we've gleaned a few valuable lessons from it all.

In fact, we're learning new things every day.

Why, just this very evening at dinner I discovered that sugar ants-who cleverly hid themselves amongst the stars on our new tablecloth from Carrot Jello- look exactly like the tiny black poppyseeds in the Poppyseed dressing that I'd just doused my salad with. Yeah, I know this because they staged a surprise attack and marched themselves right onto my generic brand paper plate where they got lost in the iceberg lettuce jungle.

After the initial shock of having to scramble to cough up nearly 1,000 dollars to fix our tattered and leaky roof yesterday, I resolved to build our next Casa De Infidel out of newspapers and newspaper bags. I learned that they're more resilient to Hurricane force winds than any construction materials used by Houston home builders because while throwing my route today, I
noticed this:

See the flattened newspaper sheathed in a green plastic bag lying on the driveway? I delivered that LAST week.
I witnessed the unspeakable destruction of gorgeous homes and towering trees all around our neighborhood, and yet somehow these stupid newspapers survived 85 MPH winds.
I guess you should never underestimate the indestructible power of printed paper pulp. It comes complete with its very own force field!

Several brick privacy fences running the perimeter of a custom gated community came crumbling down.
I hope that there weren't any boys named Joshua hanging around at the time. They have a really bad reputation ever since Biblical times for destroying walls.

This massive tree was plucked from the ground with such ferocity that it yanked up all the roots and swaths of the lawn along with it.
Hurricane Ike really should have gotten into the Tree Removal business because they left behind some impressive work around here that would look great in their company portfolio.
Hurricane Ike Tree Removal Service: Ain't no oak tree wide enough, ain't no pine tree high enough, ain't no willow tree low enough..........for us to demolish!

When Hurricane Ike blew into town like the Big Bad Wolf with a threatening "I'll huff and puff and blow your house down," we ran around and squealed like little pigs as it reduced all the hay, sticks, and bricks in its path, to rubble.
I've yet to see a single newspaper house destroyed. Nope, not even one.
Newspapers: The building blocks for our future.
We can construct a new kind of home by combining strips of newspaper with a stiff flour-based glue. Then we'll fill it up with candy like a giant pinata; you know the kind that made you cry as a kid because no matter how hard you smacked it with your streamer-wrapped broom stick, you couldn't even make a hole big enough to score a squished and expired Tootsie Roll out of it.
My next house will be in the shape of The Incredible Hulk because I like green and I need something spacious to accommodate a large family.
Besides, I can't very well house everyone in a dinky Spongebob design, now can I? Although the spongey-ness would certainly help in times of flooding.

And shockingly, I also learned that if my Papi ever tires of me and needs a new Mamacita to raise his mini-Infidels, he has only to travel to the corner car wash to pick him up one. She'll even work 24 hours.

Unless the "MOM" is really just an acronym for Milk Of Magnesia. Now that would bring me infinite joy and unbridled lust for all the spicy things down at the Golden Turban Indian Buffet.

*One more lesson learned: Be nice to your neighbors because one day you will be really, really grateful for that line to their generator they allow you to plug in for a couple hours every day*


glittersmama said...

I can't believe that newspaper.

Nancy Face said...

I hope this doesn't go on much longer!!!

JustRandi said...

Still no power? What the hey?

I can't believer that newspaper either. I'm going to make a fort out of mine!

J-Mom said...

I wish you electricity soon! & cool weather while waiting for electricity!

Super newspapers!

You rock!!! I love reading the blog!!! Mighty impressed without electricity! I still haven't updated and my electricity never left me.

Millie said...

OK, when I read that sign, I read it like "Free Willy."

Let that Mom go!

jams o donnell said...

I hope you get your electricity back on soon. I can only imagine what a pain it is to live without it. You may be onto something with the paper as building material!

Elizabeth-W said...

Yea for Millie! That is so much more optimistic!

compulsive writer said...

Ouch! That's all I have to say. And I hope your power and other necessary utilities (mainly the Internets) come back soon!!!

Glad you're all safe and mostly sound, though.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear that you haven't gotten your power back yet. We just got our back yesterday and now I'm just trying to get the house back to normal.

I witness the super newspaper syndrome in my neighborhood as well. Pine trees snapped like twigs but the newspapers didn't budge an inch!

Suburban Hippie said...

Newspapers and roaches... that is what will survive.

Melissa said...

Hmmm... I wonder if newspaper would have the same kind of staying power during an earthquake? I'll have to check that out!

Melissa said...

Oh, and I read the billboard as a plea to set the person's mom free... "FREE MOM!" Wonder what Mom did to get in so much trouble?

Annie said...

You have lit a fire under me. I am kicking our families emergency preparedness into high gear!

123checkoutthefamily said...

I'm sorry you still don't have power. You're welcome to come over and chill here. You can do laundry if you'd like to as well.

Wow, you got some good pics of fallen trees.

I love the "free mom" sign. It's crazy how signs end up with some interesting sayings.

Jean Knee said...

do you think I could pick up a new mom and ditch the one I have??

wynne said...

Oh, I really hope the electricity comes back soon. I really can't imagine how horrible it is--no internet, tv, a/c, dishwasher? REFRIGERATOR?

And I'm still puzzled how you're managing to post through all this. Your bum really DOES work as a generator, doesn't it?

Bee said...

Sorry to hear things are still crappy! Although it seems you guys are in good spirits which I know I never could be.

I hope things get better soon.

Millie said...

*picturing a mom jumping over a jetty while Michael Jackson and his backup choir sing in the background*

Millie said...

That reminds me - I was going to buy some water from Marcie. Thanks for the reminder.

Millie said...

Marcie's business

Physcokity said...

The newspaper kills...or I guess more appropriately saves.

aubrey said...

oh my gosh, elastic. this is crazy. and that newspaper is amazing. hope things start looking up!

Hilary said...

Yikes.. I hope you find yourselves clear of this soon. That's such a long disruption.

Lisa said...

The pictures are amazing! That paper is a freak of nature. What is in that paper? I'd be careful if I were you!

My sister lost a fence and gate, but it was wooden. Her roof is damaged, too. Lots of hard for people who don't need it. Sorry. I hope things turn around for you soon!!