As The Infidel Family bravely soldiers on towards our EIGHTH DAY without electricity, or refrigeration, or Internet, or cooking capabilities, or the overhead fart fan in the bathroom we've gleaned a few valuable lessons from it all.
In fact, we're learning new things every day.
Why, just this very evening at dinner I discovered that sugar ants-who cleverly hid themselves amongst the stars on our new tablecloth from Carrot Jello- look exactly like the tiny black poppyseeds in the Poppyseed dressing that I'd just doused my salad with. Yeah, I know this because they staged a surprise attack and marched themselves right onto my generic brand paper plate where they got lost in the iceberg lettuce jungle.
After the initial shock of having to scramble to cough up nearly 1,000 dollars to fix our tattered and leaky roof yesterday, I resolved to build our next Casa De Infidel out of newspapers and newspaper bags. I learned that they're more resilient to Hurricane force winds than any construction materials used by Houston home builders because while throwing my route today, I
See the flattened newspaper sheathed in a green plastic bag lying on the driveway? I delivered that LAST week.
I witnessed the unspeakable destruction of gorgeous homes and towering trees all around our neighborhood, and yet somehow these stupid newspapers survived 85 MPH winds.
I guess you should never underestimate the indestructible power of printed paper pulp. It comes complete with its very own force field!
Several brick privacy fences running the perimeter of a custom gated community came crumbling down.
I hope that there weren't any boys named Joshua hanging around at the time. They have a really bad reputation ever since Biblical times for destroying walls.
This massive tree was plucked from the ground with such ferocity that it yanked up all the roots and swaths of the lawn along with it.
Hurricane Ike really should have gotten into the Tree Removal business because they left behind some impressive work around here that would look great in their company portfolio.
Hurricane Ike Tree Removal Service: Ain't no oak tree wide enough, ain't no pine tree high enough, ain't no willow tree low enough..........for us to demolish!
When Hurricane Ike blew into town like the Big Bad Wolf with a threatening "I'll huff and puff and blow your house down," we ran around and squealed like little pigs as it reduced all the hay, sticks, and bricks in its path, to rubble.
I've yet to see a single newspaper house destroyed. Nope, not even one.
Newspapers: The building blocks for our future.
We can construct a new kind of home by combining strips of newspaper with a stiff flour-based glue. Then we'll fill it up with candy like a giant pinata; you know the kind that made you cry as a kid because no matter how hard you smacked it with your streamer-wrapped broom stick, you couldn't even make a hole big enough to score a squished and expired Tootsie Roll out of it.
My next house will be in the shape of The Incredible Hulk because I like green and I need something spacious to accommodate a large family.
Besides, I can't very well house everyone in a dinky Spongebob design, now can I? Although the spongey-ness would certainly help in times of flooding.
And shockingly, I also learned that if my Papi ever tires of me and needs a new Mamacita to raise his mini-Infidels, he has only to travel to the corner car wash to pick him up one. She'll even work 24 hours.
Unless the "MOM" is really just an acronym for Milk Of Magnesia. Now that would bring me infinite joy and unbridled lust for all the spicy things down at the Golden Turban Indian Buffet.
*One more lesson learned: Be nice to your neighbors because one day you will be really, really grateful for that line to their generator they allow you to plug in for a couple hours every day*