The bakers busied themselves slathering the counter full of cooling cakes with their potent icing blend concocted from the purest whip-whippiness while listening to the customized in-store S&M Bakery music programming featuring:
Whip It- Devo
Let It Whip- Dazz Band
Beat It- Michael Jackson
Whip Appeal- Babyface
Chains Of Love- Erasure
Leather And Lace- Stevie Nicks/Don Henley
Southern Nights- Glen Campbell (Only the sickest freaks listen to Glen Campbell)
Okay, I'm a Bakery poseur. I've never actually ventured inside an S&M Bakery, although I hear their special "Kiss My Bundt" cakey treats are 100 percent yum.
I snapped this picture inside the supposedly wholesome Kroger's Bakery last week while deciding on a cake for my son Buster's 11th birthday.
I never before knew that something called "whippy" could constitute an actual icing flavor. At least it wasn't combined with a nutty topping. Yeah, Whippy Nuts Crunch sounds like a delicacy you'd only find sold by street vendors at a parade in San Francisco. Maybe whippy is a delightful blend of horse whips, whipped cream, and the House Majority Whip.
I'm going to invent a new online glossary devoted to whippy stuff. I'll call it WHIPAPEDIA.
At this point, Kroger's is but one step away from becoming your erotic bachelor/bachelorette party cake headquarters.
Fear of the unknown and inexplicable urged me to wisely opt for the tried-and-true buttercreme topping.
The Smiling Infidel's adventurous palate stops here.