Friday, September 26, 2008

Welcome To The Elastic NO POWER Hour!!!

The final Infidel Blackout Tally? NINE DAYS. Nine very, very long days deprived of electrical power, Internets, and sanity.

So, what does one do to pass the time when suddenly thrust into a primitive world devoid of modern technology?

I don't know if EVERYBODY was Kung-Fu fighting, but my mini-Infidels sure were. Why yes, their moves are as fast as lightning when they move with expert timing.
Right about now, Master Jason wishes he'd devised a way to hook up his students to a converter that would at least harness enough butt-kicking energy to power the A/C and a few fans.

Spaghettios........they're not just part of your completely crappy dinner anymore! Stef Knee busied herself making profoundly enlightening Spaghettio People art. Here she is with the masterpiece she calls "A Portrait Of Limbless Spaghettio Siamese Twins And Their Pet Pig Whom They Can't Actually Pet Because They Don't Have Arms."

Our neighbor has a lime tree with heavy fruit-laden branches that hang down into our yard. Reagan, the crotch-sniffing wonder dog, likes to play ball with the limes before devouring them. He's one third of the way towards becoming a doggy alcoholic. He's got the limes but hasn't fetched any salt or Jose Cuervo to go with it just yet.
Reagan also enjoys putting his paws on our shoulders while prancing around on his hind legs. He usually couples that with simultaneously chewing on his latest lime conquest.
We call it "Texas Lime Dancing."

We thought it only fair to give ample warning to any crusty criminals skulking about our property. Although we didn't have electricity to operate our home security system, that certainly doesn't mean that we didn't arm ourselves with a backup plan.
PROTECTED BY INFIDEL NINJA SPORK WARRIORS sounds infinitely more terrifying than a PROTECTED BY RADIO SHACK sign, don't you think?

Candlelight Dinners= Tres Romantique!
Crapping By Candlelight? Umm, not so much.

Candlelight Tweezing= Oh Baby, PLUCK ME....PLUCK ME........PLUCK ME MORE! As AC/DC should have sang it, "You PLUCKED Me All Night Long."

Candlelight Hurdling= In preparation for the JACK BE NIMBLE/JACK BE QUICK CANDLESTICK GAMES.

We grew accustomed to getting lit every night. That sounds sort of wrong, but you know what I mean. As an added bonus, nine days of candle use resulted in a massive accumulation of fruity-scented wax. I'm going to carve an exact likeness of myself out of it.

Always the entrepreneur, my Sunbum decided to capitalize on the power outage by opening up her own door-to-door Underwear Washateria and Professional Skidmark Removal Service. Ahh, my Sunbum, making her mark by erasing the marks of others.

She didn't have to look far for her first customer. Desperate and down to her last pair of fresh undies, Stef Knee hired Sunbum to do the job that no other Infidel wanted to do.

Our neighbor gifted us with a box stuffed full of Vienna Sausages. I think this situation falls somewhere under the "Love Thy Neighbor" statute and so I had little choice but to graciously accept his inedible weenie bits-and-pieces.
Weenies In A Box= Fun For The Whole Family!
Forget that ridiculous Speed Stacking Cup sport, we made our own new and improved Infidel version!
Speed Sausage Stacking.........coming soon to a Food Pantry near you.
Our runner-up idea for using orphaned cans of unwanted Vienna Sausages was to stage a sort of 2008 update of the "Hands Across America" movement. We were going to call it "Vienna Sausages Across America Across The Atlantic Ocean And Back To Vienna Where They Belong."

So much action and adventure and it was all powered on nothing but pure, unfiltered Infidel awesomeness!


Millie said...


"We grew accustomed to getting lit every night. That sounds sort of wrong..."

Not by Cheech and Chong's standards, honey.

Vienna Sausages are evil.

Millie said...

I have never watched a Cheech and Chong movie, BTW. I'm borrowing cultural references from those more-well-versed than myself. It's my way of living vicariously through the Deadheads in the next apartment.

(I don't know if there are Deadheads in the next apartment but it wouldn't surprise me much.)

Millie said...

Your children are immensely creative... it's fun to see where they get it from. :)

JustRandi said...

Love the warning sign! Oh, and the edible art.
You guys are amazingly creative!!

Melissa said...

Your Spork Ninjas would cause any criminal to think twice before messing with you!
Nine days... wow... I'm glad you've got power again!

Jill said...

I love the "spork warriors" warning.

Jean Knee said...

uhmmm, I like vienna sausages.
not enough to actually buy any but still

J-Mom said...

You don't need no stinking electricity for fun! Sounds like y'all been having a blast!

Here's wishing you some cool weather and use of your electrical outlets again.

"where did my head go?" wynne said...

Did they try Vienna Sausage bowling? I hear you use a lime to knock down the stacked cans.

"where did my head go?" wynne said...

I am SO glad the electricity is back! And I'm also very, very glad that toilets aren't powered by electricity!

"where did my head go?" wynne said...

(And I'm going to be doing some more Halloween contests this year. One is up already. DO check it out. PLEEEEAAASE.)

Science Teacher Mommy said...

Ohmygosh. It sounds awful. I think we'd be lucky to make it two days. I've got to get some food storage in order. . . .

PS. I'm glad toilets aren't powered by electricity too. That would be a shock. :)

Elizabeth-W said...

Just got a call from my cousin. They had no power for 10 days. It's hard to not be cranky when you're not in a not-good way.
So, on Sunday will everyone be bearing their testimonies about air conditioning, food storage, and 'if ye are prepared ye shall not fear-just be stinky'?

Jay said...

Good grief!! STILL no power?? I'm amazed at how philosophical and good tempered you remain!

'Texas Lime Dancing'! ROFL!!

Nouveau Riche said...

After reading this, I hope the Infidels take over the world. I am so impressed.

Lisa said...

I watched an HGTV show where they put an ELECTRIC toilet in a house and I was like WHAT?! Did they ever think about natural disasters? I want my toilet functioning-no electrical toilets for me!

Love the creativity! And so glad you can stop getting lit. That is a bad habit!

Jami said...

I'm just so sad 'cuz the 'puter ate my comment and I don't have time to re-create it. :|

Any way. Love you. Hope that your electricity's back on. It is--right? :|

Nine days is TOO long. I'm going to have to write a letter to someone about this. :|

Hey It's Di said...

Well shoot! I may have to go trip the breakers so that we can enjoy some fruity candle fun like you are having.

I think you are completely safe with the Ninja Spork Warriors on watch at your house.

Candle light crapping really stinks!

Can't you open a hotdog stand with your Vienna Sausages for your dumb or desperate neighbors? Or don't you have any of those....oh yeah, your neighbor so kindly gave you those sausage goodies:)

Sketchy said...

9 days? So does that mean you are back in power now? Running the tv, the washer, the hairdryer, the radio, and all the lights on all at once, just because you can?

Or are you progressing to day 10 even as I type?

Sure hope its the first, not that you haven't had some creative ideas for using your time.

jams o donnell said...

Does this mean that the Sproktacus posse has become the ninja mega spaghetti kendo warriors?

It bereaks my heart to see an alcoholic dog without liqor. I am therefore sending the Tequila by express delivery for Reagan. Please make usre you salt his drinking bowl!

Millie said...

How I've missed Reagan. It's good to see that he survived your adventure and that you didn't end up using him as "food storage."

Suburban Hippie said...

I can't believe you are still without power; that is messed up. I hope you are going to your in-laws to do laundry!

I drove through your neighborhood the other day on the way home from HEB and was shocked by the large piles of tree limbs etc piled in people's yards and rive ways (mostly in the back part of the neighborhood.)

Nancy Face said...

I am speechless with the awesomeness that is the Smiling Infidel and her Infidel Ninja Spork Warriors! :0

Annie said...

You are now a "big deal" in Grand Junction, Colorado. If you get a chance, come over to by blog and click on the link on my sidebar to read my latest Home and Garden article that you are featured in.

Did I miss the part where you explained how you are posting sans electricity?

Heffalump said...

Is the little weenie distributing neighbor the same one that lets you use the generator for a short amount of time each day?

aubrey said...

huge eeeeeew on the vienna sausages. that is a heck of a lot of cans. blech. but nice, nice neighbors. or something. p.s. your kids are awesome and oh so helpful and innovative.

Jannie Funster said...

Do you guys ever eat any of the spaghettio's?

Amber said...

Worried SICK I have been. SERIOUSLY. What is that Hurricane doing messin' with the Infidels? I'm so glad you're OK and that the stories are as humorous as ever. :-)

Chell said...

Im so sorry you STILL dont have any power....but I must admit, it does provide some awesome blog fodder for the rest of us to read! :)

Is that completely selfish?

Sorry! :)

Hope the power comes back soon soon!

Suzanne said...

I'm so glad you can feel safe in your home with your Infidel Ninja Spork Warriors! :) Ick with the vienna saugages...I'm glad they've been of some use to you through entertainment! :D

Rhonda said...

OMG...I can't believe you still don't have power! Please tell me it came back over the weekend. My three remaining powerless friends all came back to the light on Saturday.

P.S. You need to fire that neighbor. Where is the cheese platter or something you would at least feed your dog?

VE said...

LAST!!!! Yeah, that's right. I'm last. And don't you be fooling me by posting after me!!

Sporks RULE!!! Think of all the money you saved without power!

joanna said...

I am catching up on your posts and I am SO LAUGHING.

That damn newspaper! How did it get away with that?? (re: previous post.)

It's it great you had some food/water storage? We need to get some of those big drums for H2O. Where do you put them? Garage? Basement?

Physcokity said...

Vienna sausages are like hot dogs fingers...on kids.
The mere thought of them sicks me out.

aubrey said...

why no comments on your most recent post? i love frosting talk. whippy or not.

Millie said...

I just read an article online about the Marquis de Sade and I have to say that your whippy frosting joke is in extremely poor taste.

But then, so was the Marquis de Sade.

When some frosting comes along, you must whip it!

Hilary said...

Poor you.. I sure hope you get your power back soon. Whippy .. snort!

Methodical wormer said...

Can't you just put lots of adds on your blog and keep blogging? The blog world won't be the same without you but I understand for sure. Good luck with everything. You are an amazing woman.