Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What's Fishier Than a Catholic on Friday? I Am!

I know what you Infidelphiles are thinking. You think you have me pegged. "I know a lot about Elastic. I know her butt sweats profusely," you're thinking. "Her husband's name is Papi and he's a sexy-Mexi hunka hunka burnin' queso dip. Her six mini-Infidels spork-fight like nobody's business and one kid was accidentally born in the tub. Elastic yelled the F word at that guy once. Yeah, I have Elastic pegged."

I'm here to tell you, in the midst of my Rocked-like-a-Hurricane Blogtopia, that you don't know me as well as you might think.

What many of you Infidel-ites may not have realized is that I have utter and utmost love for all things seafaring. Seafood, sea urchins, seamen, Chicken of the Sea... no creature residing in the Seven Seas is safe from me and my undying fishy affection.

Why, just the other day I was telling a fish story to my adorable, charming, mustache-bleaching friend, the incomparable Millie Chicken. I said to Millie:

"Millie, my love, whose lips are impossibly moist and appealing..."

Millie was a bit grossed out by this, I could tell, but continued to listen politely because that's what she does at any cost: listen politely. She's just that kind of girl.

"... Millie my angel, do you know what I love most in the world?"

"Me?" she guessed, tossing back her mahogany hair and batting her eyelashes.

"So close, but sadly, no... there is one thing on earth - OK, seven other things on earth - that I love more than you. No, actually eight, because Papi and the six kids are the first seven and then I was going to tell you this other thing that I really have a hankering for and I got so discombooberated that I lost count."

"Uh-huh," Millie intoned. I could tell she was getting bored. Of course - the topic had turned away from herself to something else.

"I really love fish."


"Yes. Fish. I love to eat them. I even love to write songs about eating fish. How's this: Fishedy doo and a fishedy dye... Sammy Davis, Jr. had one glass eye..."

Millie tried to covertly glance at her watch - it was obvious she was uncomfortable - and then looked up at me. Her face was strange: it wore the look of someone who'd recently rocked out hard to Rod Stewart's "Infatuation" but had suddenly remembered that headbanging is best left to people under the age of twenty. Either that, or she was suffering a sudden attack of gas.

Then, it finally hit her. I'm talking it probably took a good fifteen minutes.

"You. Eat. FISH?"

"Yes, my choicest morsel."

"That is just sick," she spat in my face.

"Why, my dear, my darling one?"

"My... best... friend," she sniffled noisily into a yellow embroidered handkerchief, "was maimed by a harpoon!"

She whipped out this picture:

"They even had her STUFFED and MOUNTED!" she sobbed into my shoulder.

Well. Was my fish-face red that day.

I didn't stick around to get the rest of the story - a nagging voice in my fish-addled brain wondered how this was even possible - but you can imagine how awkward things have been between me and my beloved Millie ever since.

And that, my friends... is a fishy story.


Chell said...

Im first?

Chell said...

Are you serious?

Chell said...

Ok, now that I have gotten over the shock, I will comment...

Such a good story - but I think Im missing something. Maybe Im just a little slow. :)

Still uber funny though.

Love the pics!

glittersmama said...

Poor Millie.

You kill me.

Lisa said...

I thought you were going to end with "And then I woke up".

Jean Knee said...

stuffed and mounted??? some people get all the luck. I want to be stuffed and mounted

Who's Millie?

b. said...

The pink one with the displaced liberty spikes is kinda cute.

Millie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Millie said...

Oh yes. I remember that day.

It took years of therapy before I could watch an episode of "Flipper."


carrie said...


CoconutKate said...

Didn't you just DIE? Wow...I'm glad I haven't made that sort of blunder...yet. Poor, poor Millie's stuffed and mounted friend. :0)

Carrot Jello said...

Haayy. You're not answering your phone. My phone is ringing, but it's not you. Sad.

Sketchy said...

I always knew there was some deep dark trauma in Millie's past that she wouldn't share with me. Now I know.

Oh Millie.

I wouldn't feel too bad though, I'll bet it was good for her to get this off her gills...I mean chest. Of course chest, it's not like she's a mermaid or anything. You know legs on land fins in the water?

wynne said...

Did someone say "Flipper"?

Millie said...


(That was me sobbing, not me calling Wynne an "S.O.B.")

Annie said...

Elastic has some wonderful friends.

Annie said...

Using all the toilet paper I want and thinking of you.

I told S.A.M., "We gotta get a generator. Elastic's neighbors have a generator and they are not sharing."

I can't wait to hear your stories when the lights turn on again.

J-Mom said...


Physcokity said...

That's pretty just doesn't add up.

Physcokity said...

speaking of jean knee's comment...I made some wise acre remark about that the other day

Elizabeth-W said...

I bet the drainage ditches are filled with crawdads just waiting to be dined upon. Although, they aren't really fish. Just aquatic roaches, but still...when in a hurricane-devastated community, you eat what ya can.
I saw a truck yesterday that had a Dumas, Texas sticker on it. I thought lovingly of you and your brood.

Hey It's Di said...

Fish stories always end with a REALLY big fish.

I love your story. Will you tell it again?

aubrey said...

i kept thinking, "WHEN was this? millie and elastic live so far away from each other. maybe millie brought elastic a generator." then i realized, i was suckered. gullible, that is moi.