I spotted this fiber-enriched version of Pop Tarts at Target last week and realized that it just makes sense that as my peer group ages we're going to co-opt our happiest childhood comfort foods by pumping them full of health-altering additives.
We're repentant junk food junkies who've decided that if we can't stuff our faces full of non-nutritional, sugar-coated morsels of bliss anymore then neither can you.
We always were kind of narcissistic like that.
Fiber One Pop Tarts: So infused with bowel-cleansing nutrients they should probably be called POOP Tarts!
So, what familiar favorites are slated for health-benefit modification next?
Osteoporosis supplements in our Yoo-Hoo chocolate drink?
Anti-Aging serum added to Lucky Charms cereal? That's certainly ironic. Why not just indulge in Peter Pan peanut butter? It's the same difference.
Maybe a few Skin moisturizer vitamins thrown into the stretched and leathery Fruit Roll-Ups brand? They can add a tag line about how only fruit should get all dried out and dried up.
Appetite suppressant in Capri Sun juice pouches? That would make a nice commercial:
"Now Capri Sun Can Help You Lose Weight: Suck It Up Now So You Don't Have To Suck It In Later!"
How about reformulating those processed Slim Jim meat sticks with some male enhancement additives?
Of course they'd have to call it something else then.
I hereby re-christen the newly fortified Slim Jim's as Thick Dic.........uhhhh, I mean Micks. Yeah, Thick Micks. I like the sound of that.
I'm judging from the amount of Cialis/Viagra/Enzyte ads I hear on talk radio that stiffiness is a valuable commodity that's slowly ebbing away in our modern society.
Perhaps we should throw male enhancement stuff into Push-Up Pops and maybe Ding Dongs, too.
They already have a fantastic name custom for this kind of marketing gimmick.
Thanks Generation X geniuses. I knew you wouldn't be content to just let us grow old gracefully!