Thursday, December 11, 2008

Evidence That Generation X-ers Are Aging......

I spotted this fiber-enriched version of Pop Tarts at Target last week and realized that it just makes sense that as my peer group ages we're going to co-opt our happiest childhood comfort foods by pumping them full of health-altering additives.
We're repentant junk food junkies who've decided that if we can't stuff our faces full of non-nutritional, sugar-coated morsels of bliss anymore then neither can you.
We always were kind of narcissistic like that.

Fiber One Pop Tarts: So infused with bowel-cleansing nutrients they should probably be called POOP Tarts!

So, what familiar favorites are slated for health-benefit modification next?
Osteoporosis supplements in our Yoo-Hoo chocolate drink?
Anti-Aging serum added to Lucky Charms cereal? That's certainly ironic. Why not just indulge in Peter Pan peanut butter? It's the same difference.
Maybe a few Skin moisturizer vitamins thrown into the stretched and leathery Fruit Roll-Ups brand? They can add a tag line about how only fruit should get all dried out and dried up.
Appetite suppressant in Capri Sun juice pouches? That would make a nice commercial:
"Now Capri Sun Can Help You Lose Weight: Suck It Up Now So You Don't Have To Suck It In Later!"
How about reformulating those processed Slim Jim meat sticks with some male enhancement additives?
Of course they'd have to call it something else then.
I hereby re-christen the newly fortified Slim Jim's as Thick Dic.........uhhhh, I mean Micks. Yeah, Thick Micks. I like the sound of that.
I'm judging from the amount of Cialis/Viagra/Enzyte ads I hear on talk radio that stiffiness is a valuable commodity that's slowly ebbing away in our modern society.
Perhaps we should throw male enhancement stuff into Push-Up Pops and maybe Ding Dongs, too.
They already have a fantastic name custom for this kind of marketing gimmick.

Thanks Generation X geniuses. I knew you wouldn't be content to just let us grow old gracefully!

27 comments:

Sketchy said...

I'm sorry, but am I really expected to post a coherent comment while laughing so loudly at Thick Micks?

Really you expect too much from me!

Aprillium said...

ROFL.... and more ROFLMAO....

You even had my husband laughing out loud (and that says something)

Thick Micks.... sigh

Stacey said...

I was just saying the other day,"if only they could make a pop tart that would make me regular!"

Now my dream has come true! (and at a low price)

I always feel a little dirty when I eat Ding Dongs.

Lisa said...

You are a marketing genius!

nora.lakehurst said...

You are so funny... I have had a hard day and it was long to say the least. Thanks for the Poop tarts i think I might have to buy some soon. And The capri sun LOL I wish. I think i would be drinking that alot if that was the truth.

b. said...

You are HILARIOUS!!
I second the genius statement.

Thick Dic.....HA!

Hilary said...

You need to be in marketing.. really.

Rebecca said...

Oh my, oh my, oh my!

That is freakin' hilarious!

J-Mom said...

Too funny, so funny, thank you for making my day brighter!

Hannahkin said...

ohmygosh. i just read your comment message, and now i have to do something before i even COMMENT. mmkay?

"oh, i wish i were an Oscar Meyer WEEEEEINER... that is what i'd truly like to BEE-EE-EEE... for if i were an Oscar Meyer WEEEEEINER... everyone would be in love with MEEEEEE!!!"

THE END.

on to the comment!

did i mention that you're funny and stuff? actually, that's an understatement, but nevermind. thank you for your humorousness!

oh-and-i'm-hannah-and-i'm-new-on-your-blog-by-the-way. byyyyye!

Anonymous said...

I would eat poop tarts with my colon blow.

I'll refrain from commenting on the stiffness issue. I'm hard up for a clean joke.

jams o donnell said...

EWBL you have a golden future in advertising and marketing! Hmm howabout the hair growth budget.. the big mullet?

JustRandi said...

You're too funny!!!
Poop tarts! bwahaha!

Millie said...

I loved the Capri Sun slogan. Awesome.

Just from the title, I was half-expecting our Poise pads conversation to make it into this post.

Klin said...

I'm off to find some Capri Sun and my kids are happy that they can now have poop, er I mean pop tarts.

Jean Knee said...

I'm suddenly starving

Suburban Hippie said...

I know better. Those fiber products make me fart up a storm. If I ate them I would be less popular than I am already.

Don't even get me started on what Splenda does to me. Can you say panty liner.

TMI?

S said...

Oh.My.Goodness. My belly/sides are hurting now. So so so funny. I thought slim Jims n thick micks were all the same. NO?

S said...

BtW the fruit rollup one was fabulous too. Aw shucks all of them were fabulous.

nikko said...

You = funny

This is comedy gold. Can't wait to show it to my hubby. :o)

Amber said...

You really do have issues. You know that, right? And that is exactly why I chortle every single time I come to your blog. The continual genius simply astounds me. :-)

JD said...

You'll know you're in real trouble when they come out with pop-tart flavored grapenuts ...

S said...

Are those poptarts on sale? If so maybe you can pick me up a box or two.

Hey It's Di said...

Oh heavens girl! You seriously came up with better stuff in one post than all the duds in marketing have come up with in 20+ years. I think you need to reconsider your career path!

You could probably even convince me to try those poop tarts!!

Nancy Face said...

Poop Tarts...SIIICK!

HAHAHA! :D

Nancy Face said...

That other stuff is hilarious! :D

Rhonda said...

Is Peter Pan even around anymore?? It totally disappeared after the PB/E-coli fiasco.