Monday, April 13, 2009

Add Another Food Commandment To The Bible Diet

And it shall read thusly: THOU SHALT NOT EAT ANY FOOD WITH THE WORD "TURD" IN IT.

We'd fallen into a blandly stagnant Easter dinner tradition of green beans and honey ham, so I decided to mix it up a little this year.
I was standing in the middle of the grocery store entertaining alternative dining possibilities when I spotted the magical orange clearance sticker slapped onto the side of a frozen Turducken concoction.
I was greatly relieved as the runner-up option was rabbit which seemed inherently wrong to serve up on the hallowed day of the Great Easter Bunny.
A Turducken is a Cajun specialty most fowl. It features a partially de-boned turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken stuffed with oyster stuffing and covered in a spicy, orangey blend of spices.
If you serve a side of bacon you can almost have an entire petting zoo of animals fighting their way through your intestinal tract.
Turduckens allow you to eliminate three species of beast in every single bite. And that is precisely why the world will never fear being conquered by a fleet of small poultry.
Maybe us Infidels have a hillbilly palate that can only appreciate the finer things in life like Funyuns and pickled pigs feet because the Turducken Taste Trial was a resounding flop.
So, lesson learned: We shall henceforth stay far, far away from any food item with 'TURD' featured prominently in the name.
If you call it a Turd, and it answers to the name, Turd, then it must taste like a Turd.
I've never actually tasted turd before but based on yesterday it could be that the "TURD" part in TURDUCKEN might indeed be a secret stuffing ingredient that those sneaky Cajun's don't want the general public to find out about.
Remember they are the ones that eat the deadly Poke Salad as discussed in my favorite grunting song, "Poke Salad Annie....The Gator's Got Yer Granny."
I wouldn't put anything past them.
I may be a unrefined Yankee living in the South but I can come up with fanciful recipes, too.
I want to start a TURDUNKIN trend....it'll feature a powdered sugar glazed turkey stuffed with real Dunkin Donuts stuffed with various fillings like Bavarian Cream and gooey raspberry jelly.
I'm taking orders now for your next holiday gathering.

15 comments:

Millie said...

"If you call it a Turd, and it answers to the name, Turd, then it must taste like a Turd" is sage advice. SAGE! Get it??

I can't believe you tried it. I'm fine with chicken and turkey, but duck shall never grace my table. Ew. And for Easter, no less... you like to live on the edge, my friend.

Love the cartoon. So naughty. ;)

Millie said...

I also love your donut idea. I'm thinking that sounds like a good Binge Saturday item.

Suburban Hippie said...

Simon always says "You can't polish a turd." It's true.

The first time I heard about these Turduckins I thought the person was kidding.

Sadly they were not.

nora.lakehurst said...

Uh sorry about your lovely dinner gone down the drain. We had BBQ twice. YAY and yes I am enjoying the leftovers today :D

Elizabeth-W said...

G-A-G!

Klin said...

"If you serve a side of bacon you can almost have an entire petting zoo of animals fighting their way through your intestinal tract."I was laughing hard as I tried to picture this. Yes! I actually tried to picture this.

I'm pretty sure the turd tasting part of the meal was the duck. I cannot imagine combining duck with turkey or chicken, let alone both. Ewwwwww.

J-Mom said...

Love you! I was laughing the whole way through! Turd food, the cartoon, everything was so funny. I always imagined turducken would be awesome. I'm sad that it wasn't. We just smoked butt for Easter.

jams o donnell said...

Thanks for the tip. I was planning to have a couple of turdburgers tomorrow but I will steer clear now!

Jean Knee said...

you've dashed my dreams! I've always wanted to try a turducken.

Nancy Face said...

I cracked up all the way through this! :D

Nancy Face said...

So...how long did it take to cook that turd thing? Like three days?

Nancy Face said...

It's fun talking about turd and laughing about turd, but I'm not so sure I'd like eating turd for dinner.

Maybe lunch.

Lola....L..O..L..A....lo--oh--luh! said...

I had that anti-turd eating rule for several years now. I think it has something to do with having changed several hundred thousand diapers over the last 14 years. Turd is NOT food.

Emily said...

I can't believe such a thing as a turducken actually exists! I hope I don't have nightmares tonight...

Funny Videos said...

It's really funny.