Wednesday, April 15, 2009

My Man Papi Makes It So Easy To Be An Abiding Subservient Wife......


Oh, that man of mine. How I just want to hang on his every word and fulfill his every whim and desire.
Do you want to know why I've chosen to poo-poo feministic ideals in order to properly hearken unto the wise counsel of my husband? It's because Papi's a genius of evil mastermind proportions, that's why.
While discussing our future and the future's of our half-dozen offspring, Papi turned to me and delivered the most inspired sermon I've ever heard. With a serious face he preached The Word According to Papi as such: "Girlie, this is what we're going to do: As soon as we shove that last kid out the door and we're liberated from parental slave status, we're going to move out to the country and become nudists so that there's a ZERO percent chance any of them will ever want to move back home."
The powerful force of Papi's words brought a small tear of joy to my eyes.
First though, I'll need to invest in some decent aprons with a built-in underwire support bra.
While I may not fully understand the complexities of the lobster's nervous system and whether or not they experience pain while getting boiled alive, I can most certainly attest to how it feels to have my own pendulous boobs boiled and steamed......it hurts like a MOFO and it did indeed transform Dangly Thing #1 and Dangly Thing #2 into a nice scarlet shade of lobster-red.
I won't bore you with the specifics except to say it involved me cooking without wearing my nursing bra and a giant pot of boiling potatoes on the front burner. Yeah.
Only an Englishman/Irishman would boil and ruin perfectly good boob meat like that.
My Mexican-born Papi also likes to frequently articulate his grandiose superiority complex by telling me that we Americans need the Mexicans here because they are akin to fulfilling a Conquistador of Love role in modern American society.
Well, when you look at it like that, I guess by Papi agreeing to be my husband these past 15 years, he's doing one of those crappy jobs that no other American wants to do.
Ever the dutiful wife, I'm going to spend the rest of the day crocheting a special bullwhip cozy for my sweet little taskmaster out of the clothes we won't be needing in about another 12 years or so....

20 comments:

jendoop said...

looove it! Sign me up for one of those aprons.

Millie said...

"I guess by Papi agreeing to be my husband these past 15 years, he's doing one of those crappy jobs that no other American wants to do."

Exactly. And I have the same reason for never joining a nudist colony, but I think Papi has the right idea.

J-Mom said...

You'll save so much money, no kids coming back and no more clothes to buy! It's genius!

nikko said...

Why didn't I come up with this? It's brilliant, I tell you. I'm going to run it by my hubby later tonight. ;o)

Suburban Hippie said...

David Sedaris wrote about a period of time he stayed in a nudist camp - it's dang funny - you should read it.

Physcokity said...

That sounds like one HAWT apron! I think you could start your own line.

Elizabeth-W said...

Papi is an inspiration.

aubrey said...

i have ALWAYS wanted to go to a nudist colony. just to try it out for a bit. the freedom of nudity sounds awesome.

Vince said...

Wow! Haha! Papi is one cool guy! Will share this with friends.

www.MotivatedMonkey.com

Nancy Face said...

"First though, I'll need to invest in some decent aprons with a built-in underwire support bra."

Hahaha! Oh, the mental image! :D

Nancy Face said...

You're hilarious, and Papi is a genius!

And vice versa! :D

Carrot Jello said...

All I need is a built in shelf. You know, to keep things out of the way.

jams o donnell said...

Pah EWBL... This Anglo-Irishman would never advocate the cooking of boob meat in such a manner!

Great idea of Papi's no visitors, no clothes.. oh how the dollar will stretch!

Karen said...

what a fantastic idea! He's right....the kids will NEVER come back to live with us if we go live in a nudist colony! Brilliant!

NOBODY said...

Wow! I knew he had to be smart to be married to you, but that is sheer genius. I may introduce the idea to my husband.

And you are hilarious. Not sure I'll ever think of boiled potatoes the same.

Jean Knee said...

yeah, I got nuthin

Diesel said...

You had me at "pendulous boobs".

Suzanne said...

LOL! Your Papi IS a genius! I need to give this information to my in-laws since their kids keep boomeranging back home again.

Have you survived through finals yet? I've been thinking about you!!! :)

Palm Springs Savant said...

that is hilarious. funny stuff!

Reluctant Nomad said...

ROFL. That was fantastic!