Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What Not To Name Your Baby: Hooker Edition

This Civil War hottie not only boasts a whopping big sword but he may also be the founding father of the popped collar phenomenon.
Do you know who he is? Why, it's none other than General Joseph Dalton Hooker, commander of the Army of the Potomac. Although I prefer to call him by his street name: JO-HO
Does his last name sound vaguely familiar to you? It should.
Apparently Hooker's military headquarters acquired the unsavory reputation of being more of a bar and brothel than a war strategy think tank.
General Hooker wanted to keep up troop morale......the operative words being 'keep up.' Hooker allegedly requisitioned a passel of prostitutes to entertain his men, hence, the modern day association with his surname.

My oldest mini-Infidels broke out laughing when I relayed this lively little historical tidbit to them.
And then, as I'm wont to do, I started brainstorming a list of baby names that would be forboten if your last name was Hooker.
If you're reading this blog right now, and you happen to be a Hooker, then this is a valuable service I'm providing FREE of charge just for you. No hourly rates or a clandestine rendezvous at the No Tell Motel necessary.

MINNIE HOOKER- Works the red light district in Munchkinland.
HARRY HOOKER- Clientele includes Big Foot fetishists.
PENNY HOOKER- Lives below poverty level with Lionel Richie's Penny Lover.
CANDY HOOKER- Will satisfy any sweet tooth.
CASH HOOKER- Doesn't accept credit cards.
MERRY HOOKER- Is never filled with sadness.
KAREN HOOKER- Has a heart of gold.
SUMMER HOOKER- Gets three seasons off a year.
CRYSTAL HOOKER- Has an attached 'Handle With Care' label.
JUANA HOOKER- Are you an undercover cop?
LONDON HOOKER- Carries a lot of pounds.
CHARITY HOOKER- Accepts food stamps as payment.
RICH HOOKER- Has a golden parachute along with a golden mattress.
MARINA HOOKER- Got tired of the Lot Lizard competition at truck stops.
CHEYENNE HOOKER- The pride of Wyoming!
AMAYA HOOKER- Well am I??!?
RANDY HOOKER- Enjoys the job immensely.
PATTY HOOKER- Has no limbs.
RUSTY HOOKER- Hope you got your tetanus shot first!
CHRISTIAN HOOKER- Must be okay because it's in the Scriptures.
IMA HOOKER- You're a Hooker, wouldn't you like to be a Hooker too?
JEAN HOOKER- Only works on Casual Fridays.
MIA HOOKER- Is a proud graduate of the Hooked On Phonics:Tarzan Edition Program.
SEYMOUR HOOKER- Take our scenic Hooker Tour today!
VIOLET HOOKER- Needs the Heimlich Maneuver, STAT!
BERTHA HOOKER- Well they gotta come from somewhere.
BUCK HOOKER- Can be found soliciting outside the Dollar Store.
(My standards prohibit me from listing GAYE HOOKER and BUTCH HOOKER without parentheses. Ta-Da! Parentheses makes judgment lapses more acceptable.)

Studying History has an infinite boring factor built into it. I prefer the National Enquirer version of historical events as opposed to painfully dry textbooks penned by the class of intellgentsia solely responsible for keeping the professorial elbow patch factories in business. See how a little spark of ingenuity combined with an angle that's been marinating in salacious sauce all day really brings a Civil War history lesson to life??!?
Dang, I should be a History teacher.

23 comments:

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

This post was inspired by my History Professor. He's a Civil War devotee and knows all the naughtiest trivia.

I felt comfortable enough to share with him the truth that me and Papi have Hooker (brand) furniture in our bedroom. He handled the shock of such impropriety quite well.

Millie said...

It's the hair. Only people with hair that ugly and unkempt need hookers.

Elizabeth-W said...

What a great way to start my day!
Thanks for the entertainment :D

Klin said...

That cat is cracking me up!!!!

Loved the Ima hooker tune. I sang right along and I'm not even a hooker :P

Mellissa said...

I actually saw this fact on a History Channel show about the sex industry. Good stuff! I heart your blog, I love a good laugh first thing in the morning..when I should be making the kids breakfast.

Carrot Jello said...

You didn't use my "Ivana".

Funny Videos said...

Nice one. Laughing names

carrie said...

I never knew that!!If I had a history teacher like your Professor. I might have paid attention.

Jean Knee said...

the new cat looks so HAPPY

Science Teacher Mommy said...

Forget the hookers--your new header is scary beyond all reason.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Let's talk historical facts, shall we?
I'm the WORST blog friend in history.
The End.

I'm studying for finals, writing papers, working, and trying to keep the other 7 people in this house clothed, fed, and out of mounting piles of clutter around here.
I'm tired.
Tired enough to hire a hooker....but only if she/he has a French Maid outfit that comes with cleaning accoutrements and a knowledge of how to make French cuisine. Oooh la la!

jams o donnell said...

Great stuff EWBL! Did you know there is a position on a rugby team called a hooker. He/she hooks the ball out of a scrum.. surprisingly there is no sexual connotation whatsoever!

Science Teacher Mommy said...

Polly Esther Hooker?

She wears platform shoes and has an afro.

Suzanne said...

JEAN HOOKER- Only works on Casual Fridays made me LOL! Thanks Elastic, for making history much more entertaining. I've got to take a history class next year and I'm not looking forward to it. Hmm...maybe I should approach it more like you! :D

Nancy Face said...

I sang along with IMA HOOKER, too! :D

Nancy Face said...

The Ms. Hooters Arizona Pageant is being held this week at the HOTEL VALLEY HO. I laughed so hard when I saw the billboard! :D

Oh...you think I'm kidding?

http://phoenix.metromix.com/bars-and-clubs/article/hooters-pageant-in-scottsdale/1139594/content

Palm Springs Savant said...

hee hee this was a riot thanks for the chuckle today. Oh and I love the cat smiling header.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY IS TOO LAZY TO LOG IN! said...

Science teacher mommy:

YOU=GENIUS!

Rayon Hooker is more resilent to wear and tear though.

Rhonda said...

Love the cat!

Next, you should profile Houston's own Hogg family.

Ima Hogg, Will Hogg ...

Millie said...

Anita Mandacuddle

Lisa said...

Haha! I love this!

I knew a Mary Hooker.

Lisa said...

Wait-let me clarify. I knew a girl named Mary Hooker.

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