Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Dropping The F Bomb On The Ones You Love....

So me and my sexy-Mexi husband Papi were lounging about in bed on Sunday night, ready to drift off into the land of Infidel dreams, when I suddenly turned to him and eagerly whispered "Hey, I really want to EFF you right here, right now" into his ear.

Startled and perhaps a bit frightened, Papi looked at me askance with his lovely manicured eyebrows arched over huge, rounded eyes.

Undeterred, I persisted. "Yeah, come on, Papi, you know that you need a good effing and it just so happens that I'm available to give it to you hard and fast."

And without further commentary I rolled over and stealthily effed Papi's mocha-toned belly with the loudest mouth farts mankind has ever heard outside of the Association for Professional Raspberry Blowers. I exerted so much effort I nearly asphyxiated myself.

Papi informed me that I was "freaking crazy" as he grabbed the bed sheet and daintily dabbed at the remaining spittle encircling his belly button.

See, there's two 4-letter F words used in the Infidel household: Fart and Foof. If I ever tell you that I'm going to "EFF you up real bad" you should tremble in fear because that usually means that either your olfactory senses are about to be assaulted or you're slated to receive a charitable donation of Smiling Infidel saliva somewhere on your person. My personal foofing technique involves a preference for flabby arms as it usually provides superb foofy-fart acoustics.

When people shrilly scream "EFF OFF!" at me, I regard that as a spirited but friendly call to some sort of impromptu FOOF smackdown challenge. Ooooh, an EFF OFF competition. Good thing I packed some Chapstick. This is going to be a long day.

I don't mean to turn this into a braggy blog but the truth is that I have, in fact, effed a lot of people in my 34 years on this planet. That number includes my own self. Yeah, that's right, I eff myself sometimes. When I think about you, I FOOF myself......... Yep, I'm a regular F***(FOOF) Extraordinaire! I also have a lot of kids. I guess that makes me the very embodiment of a Mother F***er (Foofer.) Sweet!

*Gratuituous FOOFING Action In This Video. Watch At Your Own Risk!*

19 comments:

Stacey said...

First!!

Stacey said...

I think they should have dubbed in "Mother Foofing" for the Snakes on a Plane showings on F/X.

Nancy Face said...

I love giving mouth farts! :D

NOBODY said...

Good thing I packed some Chapstick!
Hilarious.

Someday, I'm going to be like you. Until then, I have to do my darndest to keep my kids from saying the real F word.

Maybe I should move out of Iowa. Saying the F word and drinking mountain dew are all they do around here.

Hey It's Di said...

Hey Elastic! I miss you! Life is too crazy isn't it? I'm so sad that I haven't been around to enjoy your funny stories but glad I caught this effing one!

I always thought to myself "That Elastic would be a good Mother Effer"
Now you have proven it! I applaud you! And if you ever need some LARGE amounts of flab to foof, I'm your girl....although all that giggling might make me fart;)

Klin said...

I read the title and thought "fart" immediately. That's what it would be around here.

However the cat thinks that the f word is "fat" and he does get highly offended when it is said around him. True story.

Rosey Pollen said...

too funny! I was getting kind of worried for a minute there when I reading effing, you are hilarious! Fun post!

Noelle said...

Nice Effing post! From now on I'm going to use foof when some effing a-hole cuts me off on the road.

Suburban Hippie said...

I love blowing foofs on my kids. My favorite place is their chubby cheeks.

aubrey said...

"Good thing I packed some Chapstick. This is going to be a long day."

hee hee. so your first three paragraphs had me blushing to my roots thinking elastic was getting a BIT more personal in her sporadic postings. then i couldn't stop smiling while reading the rest.

i will inform my little brother that this is the real meaning of the term EFF since that seems to be his favorite new phrase.

aubrey said...

oh and random EFFing is max's new favorite thing to do. you'll think he's giving you a nice, sweet kiss and BAM out of nowhere he lays a big, slobbery rasperry on your cheek. it's kinda cute.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Rosey Pollen: I'm a tease. :D My mind only works in terms of filtered profanity and G-rated porn.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I'm working. It's 90 degrees outside with a charming 100 percent humidity factor. How I love Houston in the summertime!

I stopped by home for a quick spritz to revive my sunbaked self. Thanks for the comments peoples! BESOS!

Jean Knee said...

I am still blushing

Elizabeth-W said...

You're such a tease!

Hilary said...

That's foofin' hilarious!

Suzanne said...

LOL!!! That is all.

Millie said...

Holy crap, how did I ever miss this one?? An Infidel classic for sure!

Millie said...

Nice naked butt at the end of the video. How do we know he was really making those noises with his mouth??