Friday, April 24, 2009

You Know That You're A Warped Mother When.....

You start screeching dialogue at your kids culled directly from the pinnacle of all horrendously tragic child abuse movies, "Sybil."

My own mom allowed me to watch it when I was but a young Smiling Infidel. Either she was confused and thought Sally Field was reprising her flying nun role or she just wanted me to see real suffering so that she'd look like an Angel Mom sent down from on high by comparison.
Come to think about it, my mom and I also watched "Mommie Dearest" together when it was on a non-stop HBO marathon run. Maybe that was her way of instilling a deep and abiding appreciation of padded hangers.
Anyway, the pivotal scene in "Sybil" shows the monstrous mother giving poor Sybil an enema on the kitchen table. The mom then strolls off to play a peppy little ditty on the piano while she cackles in a lunatic voice: "Hold your water, Sybil! You hold it until the very last note, you hear me?"
Horrible movie. And yet I can still quote it.
It's like pulling hen's teeth to get my oldest son to brush his teeth. Which, come to think about it, if he keeps up his unhygienic ways he just may need some hen's teeth transplants in the near future.
I decided to pin all my hopes for an eternity of cheap dental visits on the Toby Mac toothbrush I found on clearance at Wal-Mart.
My son LOVES Christian rock artist, Toby Mac. I love that the Toby Mac song plays for over 4 minutes and the toothbrush won't work until it senses brushing motion. I never thought I'd advocate kids putting Christian rock in their rocks? Maybe.
It just so happens that after years of diligent practice, I've perfected my own cackling in a lunatic voice skill. I often use it to yell at my son, "Keep on brushing, Buster! You keep on brushing until the very last note, you hear me?"
In my defense, my son never brushes his teeth while lying down on the kitchen table. I don't even know how to play piano. That makes it okay.
Don't feel powerless in your struggles with tooth decay. Invoke the name of Toby Mac to act as your personal dental hygiene savior!
I would encourage all of you to stuff some Christian rock in your mouth today. Here's some for your ears.


nikko said...


nikko said...

I saw these toothbrushes and was skeptical -- you'll have to post a review after a couple of weeks and let us know if it really worked or not. :o)

Karen said...

Hey whatever works.

Stacey said...

Sybil sounds like a delightful movie to watch on a Friday night while eating popcorn. Maybe not during the enema part though.

I need some kind of timer for my kids. Oldest likes to brush his teeth (especially since he got a Wall-E battery-operated brush from the dentist) but he doesn't do it long enough.

Science Teacher Mommy said...

Please don't tell me that you've just barely figured out that you are a warped mother.

Sybil is freaky beyond all reason.

Jami said...

We have some chicks singing I'm Walking on Sunshine in our toothbrush. Seems like imprisoning the singers like that oughta be illegal. Just sayin'. How do they fit them in there?

Millie said...

My stepdad the Dentist passes out cute little hourglass timers with his logo on them.

I had no idea Sybil was such a freak show. Wow.

Did your mom ever make you watch "Carrie"?

Jean Knee said...

Lean has one with that Shrek song

she still barely brushes so clearly I need to get rough with her

Elizabeth-W said...

I would just like to say that movies like that make me feel better. Job security.
(I'm going to hell.)
Seriously, though. I meet people on a pretty regular basis who endured some pretty crazy crap.

Klin said...

I always say that my kids will put "did you brush your teeth yet?" on my head stone.

We got them toothbrushes that they can time themselves on by the tune. Works pretty good.

Nancy Face said...

I had to get enemas when I was little. But it was on the floor, not on the table. I'm glad my mom didn't play the piano...EEK!

Enema will always be a dirty word to me.


Nancy Face said...

That toothbrush is BOMB! :)

Jillybean said...

A few years ago, we took the kids to the dentist and they had more cavities than I care to admit. We showed them the bill from the dentist and told them that due to the fact that we had spent so much money on fixing their teeth, we couldn't afford to take the Disneyland trip that we were going to surprise them with.

They started brushing their teeth.

We didn't mention to them that the bill we showed them was before the insurance paid anything.
We also didn't tell them that we were just making up the part about the surprise Disneyland trip.

And no, I didn't feel a bit bad because they only brushed their teeth consistently for about a week after that.