Monday, September 27, 2010

The Great Elasticwaistbandlady And Her Super Magical Blog Disappearing Act......


Hey, I'm here. Last month I was over there. It feels as though I've moved everywhere. But now I've relocated from there to here and I'm here now.
It's been a whirlwind 14 years since the Infidel family has packed up the crap collection we call belongings in order to move out of our hillbilly house.
Ye Olde Infidel Ghetto Estate..........that was our very first home purchase and we were probably suckered at every turn.
What can I say? I was an inexperienced 22 year old with raging nesting instincts and a low tolerance for neighbors living one sliver of sheetrock away from me.
Ask me sometime about the lady next door when we were doing time in Condominium Prison. She blared OOMPAH! OOMPAH! polka music all day everyday until the shared mirrored living room wall between us shook with the mighty force of a million tubas exploding in unison. That was fun. She was both our home purchase inspiration and the polka wind beneath our wings.
Ye Olde Ghetto Manor saw a lot of action and served as a backdrop for neverending Infidel memories.
Three of my six kids were born right there in the bathtub. We didn't use that tidbit as a selling point to potential buyers, though because I'm sure they may not appreciate the mental images of a fat squatting, grunting woman squeezing babies out into this world in the same place where they want to cherish their fabled "Calgon, Take Me Away"  moments.
We endured and managed to live through many hurricanes, cooking disasters, a nosy neighbor who we only referred to as "Crazy Redhead Woman," our garden torture chamber where countless innocent azaleas and pansies were sent to die, heat and air conditioning failures, everyone's favorite guessing game "Spit, Plumbing, or Leaky Roof?" along with endless rounds of "Name That Carpet Stain!" and witnessing my very own ghetto repairman husband in action.
Papi is the most innovative fix-it dude you'll ever meet. I called him the Good Enough Guy because he fixed stuff with a random assortment of other unrelated stuff just so we wouldn't have to spend money at Home Depot. Was it perfect? No. It was Good Enough.
After another bits and pieces job I'd slap Papi on the back and triumphantly crow "It's not good, but it's good enough!"
Being a home owner was a valuable experience--a valuable experience that I never in this lifetime want to replicate.
The constantly ascending taxes, HOA fees and their condescending warning letters over minor infractions, escalating utilities, perpetual maintenance and repair bills, watching our property values plummet as they prepare our street to become a major thoroughfare that will connect heavyily-trafficked roadways.......
So, yes, we auditioned and joined the real life nationwide cast of RENT! now playing in cities and towns across America.
If that wasn't crazy enough I've added 11 credit hours to my schedule this semester.
At least I'm studying in the pristine comfort of a working A/C and a mega-flush toilet which lessens the misery somewhat.
I honestly think our landlords smuggled this toilet in from another dimension called Toiletopia.......or  perhaps they bargained with a black-market potty crime syndicate because this piece of porcelain is miraculous. It thumbs its flush handle nose at all those lame energy saver commodes that forces you to flush multiple times thereby defeating the purpose.
"Oh yes, they call me The Streak........"
Well friend, maybe you should fix that by investing in a super-swirl wonder flush like I got. Nobody will call me "The Streak" now!
It's as though I own a small piece of Niagara Falls right here in my humble Texas bathroom.....and that makes me blissfully happy.

14 comments:

Carrot Jello said...

First!

Carrot Jello said...

Only because I've been waiting for you to find your camera cord. You want that I should send you one?
11 credit hours??
I'll stop waiting for pictures.

nikko said...

Woot Woot! A new post from Elastic!

Congrats on the new space. We are absentee home owners right now and it kind of stinks. Not being around to see the problems and trusting everyone else's word... Ay yi yi!

Good luck with school!

glittersmama said...

We're of the rental mind right now as well. If something breaks, we don't have to pay to have it fixed. Nice.

Welcome home, Infidel Family, welcome home.

Lisa said...

We need to move this spring. I hope we can find someone to rent our house and pay enough of our mortgage that we aren't forced to eat canned beans every night for dinner. Because, you know, that would be smelly. ;)

Happy new home!

123 checkoutourfamily said...

I'm glad ya'll were able to sale but sad that you're no longer in our ward. We'll definitely miss ya'll tons!!! Don't be a stranger...even with your 11 credit hours :)

jeanknee said...

and now when the plumbing fails it will be someone else's problem


that's right

It's not your problem

Nancy Face said...

My little brother loves discussing his mega-flush toilet. The main selling point when he picked it out at Home Depot was its enviable ability to flush golf balls. Makes me wonder which one of his family members poops out brown golf balls...now that's talent if you ask me! :D

Stacey said...

Nancy - With my sweet little 2 year old (who loves to use that nifty-cool flush mechanism) I think that investing in one of those toilets would be a good idea for me.

Congrats on the new abode!

I wonder if I can convince one of my kids to dress up as a mega flush toilet. It just sounds awesome!

jams o donnell said...

I hope you are settling in well. You could make god money if you hired the Maid of the Mist to do tours in your toilet.. That;s the rent covered!

Carrot Jello said...

Wow, what's God money? I'd like to make some.

The Official god Money P.R. Person said...

It's god with a little "g" and you earn god money one of two ways:

1. You get all A's on your "How'm I Doin' As A Human?" report card.

2. You play Skeeball at the gods' Chuck E. Cheese inspired playplace and save up your valuable tickets to earn god money. Redeemable only for redemption purposes.

Super Happy Girl said...

OOMPAH! OOMPAH!: Polka wind benetah your wings...awwww! So inspiring!

Congrats Infidels! May you unpack all those boxes in harmony and serenity.

aubrey said...

hello elastic! i'm glad you are doing well. 11 credit hours?! you are superwoman! you do know that, don't you? xo