Monday, May 22, 2006

In Times Of Poop Pileup Crises, Who Ya Gonna Call?


I found definitive proof last week that the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well and profiting handsomely from the affluent in the region of Houston where I reside. My Mom raised me with a catchy little phrase designed to curtail frivolous spending. "More money than brains". This business is likely thriving due to people with indeed more money than brains.

It's a venture named appropriately enough, WHOLLY KRAP! They come out to your property and remove the canine fecal material. Their website points out that doggy manure is not suitable for use as yard fertilizer (there goes my dreams of a beautiful green lawn like Omar's) and that it harbors many dangerous parasites as well as posing a significant threat to our water supply. By those parameters my own backyard is more toxic and deadly than Chernobyl. I better suit my kids up in bio hazard gear for the annual Backyard BBQ. My favorite is how the company has a listing within the official "Pooper Scooper Directory"(who knew?), and that they're also proud members of aPAWS (Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists). I don't know about you but only hiring the very best to clean up my dog's crap and looking for the reputable aPAWS Good Poop Cleaning Seal, is a must.

The discovery of such services took me by surprise. Now I know the bitter truth, I'm just a poor white sucka cleaning up after my own dog. So, while out working, a burgundy truck came zipping around me at a high rate of speed as if on it's way to put out a fire. It must have been a red hot "poop emergency". Perhaps they should consider adding sirens and lights to their "Poop Mobiles". The decals on the back and sides of the truck resembled the Marines insignia and when our paths crossed again a few streets later I saw a buff guy dressed in a nice khaki uniform shirt. He had in hand various supplies and professional looking equipment. Upon closer scrutiny, I noticed the WHOLLY KRAP lettering along with a lovely picture of a dog seated on the commode right in the middle. I'd rather own that masterpiece than "Dogs Playing Cards", anyday. Preferably painted on a classy velvet background to match my Velvet Elvis oil painting collection.

What would it be like to hand out your licensed pooper scooper business cards at social gatherings? When the fine employees of WHOLLY KRAP are making introductions with new contacts do you think the people exclaim, "What??!!?? You pick up feces? For a living?" Then follows a mass exodus of everyone they shook hands with to the bathroom for some serious hand scrubbing. Do they follow it on the Stock Exchange to gauge how much to set their company prices? "Well, in surprising news today, the cost of poop has unexpectedly soared right through the roof. Analysts at Goldman-Sachs, are predicting that unsecured poop commodities will be the new "Gold Rush" of the 2000's". What about the dry cleaners where they send in the company shirts? Do you think they work with a magical poop stain removal remedy? How much do they spend a month on air fresheners? Does it work as a pick up line in a bar? "Hey baby, I just had a big job today at a house with 5 Great Danes on a protein rich bean diet, and I made bundle of cash. Who's yo daddy?" Can you imagine the reaction of people when they go grocery shopping while still in uniform? The one thing that this business has going for them is the undeniable fact that poop is a constant, renewable resource and a way of earning crap loads of money from the pooper picker upper impaired among us.

28 comments:

Elizabeth-W said...

So, are you saying that I should have gotten pay, and a 401k as a kid?! I'm wondering if I should take my parents to court for unpaid wages? What do you suggest I do? What are my legal options? They kept feeding me a line of crap about how if we choose to invite a canine into our home that poopie duty is just part of the whole package. Man, I feel duped!

Julie said...

Talk about having s*** for brains--and for paychecks.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Maybe your parents will use the defense of early "career training", elizabeth. In all fairness they taught you a valuable money making skill as evidenced by the professionals at Wholly Krap. Nice to know that you have something to fall back on just in case.

DING!DING! DING! Julie, you said the word of the day, sh**!!!! A Wholly Krap gift certificate for you.

Relying on poop for paychecks. Guaranteed job security. Sweet.

jams o donnell said...

Well funny you should mention picking up dog poop for a living. In fact in Victorian times it used to be known as pure and was an important ingredient in the tanning industry... I s**t you not!

jams o donnell said...

Supplemental.. as a result I cannot see the word pure and not smile!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Interesting Jams. You win the "This Yucky Moment In History" recap award! Unless of course your tale is one comprised of PURE sh**. On a side note, if poop was an ingredient in tanning, does that explain the darkening of skin around the bunghole?

Obviously, I possess a purely scientifically inquisitive mind.

Red said...

This has to be the funniest crappy blog post ever

So I guess I should show this one to my dad so he'll stop throwing the dog poop in the compost pile.

Miss Biotech said...

If there was use to be found for dog poop, imagine the bounty that lies within the boundaries of your backyard, Infidel. Ahh, the possibilities....
The only problem is that I cannot think of a good application for this canine product as of yet.

And I agree with red, this has to be the funniest poop-related post.

P.S. Love the name of the venture. Very inspired ;-)

Melody said...

I have no idea how I ended up at this blog, but I about wet my pants reading it. I especially like the line from the dog poop site: "Our Wholly Krap reps are trained and prepared to remove all smelly dog waste from your property." Hmmm...Trained and prepared ... trained and prepared... I just can't stop thinking about that.

P.S. Happy Birthweek

wendela said...

I'm with elizabeth. I was tagged as our family's "official pooper scooper" from the time I was big enough to wield the shovel around the yard. I was ripped off! I don't have to tell you, elastic, this type of business (though not so aptly named as the one near you) has been around So Cal for many years. Figures.

jams o donnell said...

I am not kidding about pure collecting, honest!

With regard to the darkening of the skin around the said place I wonder if that is as much down to poor wiping as its tanning qualities!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

WELCOME RED! Yeah, unbeknownst to your DAD, he is sitting on a veritable gold mine. According to Jams he could sell that poop to the tanning industry or provide employment to professional poop pickup people. Thanks Red, for teaching me how to do links. I appreciate it.

miss biotech, The best was talking to my very refined Grandma from Holland on Mother's Day and mentioning the name of the business. Surprisingly she started laughing and asked me to repeat the name which I did, exaggeratedly loud with lots of emphasis on the KRAP part. She laughed again. WHOLLY KRAP-Bringing families closer together.

WELCOME MELODY, Questioning how or why you made it here is a bit too intellectual for the likes of this blog where we focus on the uncouth. Can you imagine framing the certificate from the WHOLLY KRAP University and declaring yourself a "trained professional" in the fine art of dog poop removal? I think I'll volunteer for my house for their training classes. By the way, I have my own personal MELODY. Miss biotech took this fabulous picture of last week.

My "crack" team of specialists are verifying this piece of poop lore even as we speak Jams.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

That's funny, it appears my Melody is the lead investigator of the Poop Lore investigation team. I guess I haven't perfected my newfound skill yet, Red.

wendela, I'm not surprised that Cali. has their own version. You have to come back here and post what the company name is though. You and elizabeth have inspired me. I'm officially telling my kids to clean up poop because it's akin to "real life" job training.

Mimo said...

I could have been a professional!? My parents made me do the poop duty too, until we bought a house with woods, and then I just let the dogs out into the woods instead- Who's gonna know?
Man, if only I'd known the skills I already had, when trying to chose a career. Instead I chose Mother because even the least gifted can qualify for that job. :\

omar said...

I've never had a pet, so I guess I can't fully understand why this is necessary. But I really am quite curious about it. How often do they come by? Their charge, what's it based on? If one house has a tiny dog and the next has a great dane, does the great dane house get charged more?

What if you had a horse? Though their poop is more suitable for fertilizer, I wonder if Wholly Krap would still agree to help?

So many questions...

White Man Retarded said...

Speaking of fertilizer, cows' poop is multi-useful. You can grow crops, make bombs, and best of all, Mushrooms! EWL, are you bringing your digital camera tomorrow? We're bringing ours. Change of plans: We are only bringing treats, cookies, etc. We'll eat at home. We are just lazy.

Moi said...

Wait- are EWL and psychic head meeting?? Did I miss something?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

No Mimo. By choosing the job of Mother you placed yourself on perpetual poop duty without the fancy title of "trained poop professional".

Omar, Their website does offer a price list that varies according to how many dogs you have. This is likely a valuable service if you own a kennel but for people with personal pets it just seems like extreme laziness.

We watched a PBS special once that featured Middle Eastern people drying out cow poop to make flooring for their hut and using dried cow chips for fuel to heat their homes in the winter. Talk about resourceful. Yes carrot, there will be a meeting of the blogger minds tomorrow. According to Pisces, everyone here in the blogosphere is deceitful curs. I bet Patrick is actually a kindly old lady who loves puppy dogs and has decorated her home with rainbows and unicorns and owns Lawrence Welk's greatest hits. We shall see if perceived blogging personas and images will indeed be shattered.

Ordinarily I love a man in uniform. However, a man wearing a WHOLLY KRAP uniform just may be the exception.

Moi said...

I expect a picture of the both of you posted on your blog soon then. Be sure and wear your berets, and bring bongos!

Elizabeth-W said...

EWL-When I was in India, that method of fuel was totally common out in
the countryside. Initially it seems weird, maybe you'd get a weird hint of alfalfa/methane in your chapati, but I think that charcoal briquettes (sp?) taste weird, too. We live in an incredibly throw-away society.

I'm excited for your meeting with PH. I think he probably is a total nerd, as in taped glasses, Michael Bolton t-shirt, etc. Send us images! :) (kidding, PH)

{By the way, I thought of you and Mimo today. there was a piece on npr about immigration (not to start any wars or anything!), but the person was talking about how corrupt Mexico's government was, how much money flows into Mexico due to illegal worker's wages being sent home. the person said that the income from those wages dwarfed oil, tourism, and something else combined. He said that V. Fox has zero interest in helping US border control b/c his government is benefitting like crazy. Anyway, I thought it was interesting to hear how much $ really was being sent.}

Mimo said...

Initially it seems weird, maybe you'd get a weird hint of alfalfa/methane in your chapati, but I think that charcoal briquettes Oh so now we know the real culprits for the hole in the ozone! Thank them and those dang termites for our global warming.

Wish I would have seen that documentary, I've known that a lot of money goes back there and never gets spent here in our economy, but never knew just how much.
~Mimo "on perpetual poop duty".

White Man Retarded said...

I'm an albino liberal old lady. Yep! Prune-tang (Revco song)...I love puppy dogs on the grill, rainbows on bumper-stickers, and I jam to Lawrence Welk while eating mushrooms grown from dog poop. Trippy old hag I am...

Melody said...

Dear Elastic - I'm in deep s**t now. I'm finding way too many fascinating people since my blogbirth a mere two weeks ago. And your Melody is beautiful. Her mother must be a genius for chosing the (little known fact) best name on the planet. I've gotton over the one painful 2nd grade nickname, Melonhead. The 4th grade nickname, Spiderlegs, had nothing to do with my name. . .

By the way, I'm happy to check with my gastroenterologist friends about the coloration issue. I'll get back to you on that. Thanks for your comments on my blog too.

Melody said...

P.S. My friends and I made cigarettes out of dried cow pies and saw dust when we were eleven. They worked. We thought we were brilliant. We could have used it as a science fair project if it weren't for our religious leanings and our fear of damnation...

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Ah, the fear of damnation. Used to keep many a wayward child on the right path and currently the preferred method employed in the Smiling Infidel household.

Pisces Iscariot said...

You appear to have struck a deep vein in the collective here - grassyarse fer sure.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Yes Pisces, but this will all come to a screeching halt when I post my new header that forbids anyone from posting here that offers dissenting opinions or if they're devoid of deep intellectual thinking and analytical skills.

Prune-tang? That had me laughing for a few minutes.

Pisces Iscariot said...

no need elastic - I shall remove myself post-haste.