Monday, May 22, 2006
In Times Of Poop Pileup Crises, Who Ya Gonna Call?
I found definitive proof last week that the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well and profiting handsomely from the affluent in the region of Houston where I reside. My Mom raised me with a catchy little phrase designed to curtail frivolous spending. "More money than brains". This business is likely thriving due to people with indeed more money than brains.
It's a venture named appropriately enough, WHOLLY KRAP! They come out to your property and remove the canine fecal material. Their website points out that doggy manure is not suitable for use as yard fertilizer (there goes my dreams of a beautiful green lawn like Omar's) and that it harbors many dangerous parasites as well as posing a significant threat to our water supply. By those parameters my own backyard is more toxic and deadly than Chernobyl. I better suit my kids up in bio hazard gear for the annual Backyard BBQ. My favorite is how the company has a listing within the official "Pooper Scooper Directory"(who knew?), and that they're also proud members of aPAWS (Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists). I don't know about you but only hiring the very best to clean up my dog's crap and looking for the reputable aPAWS Good Poop Cleaning Seal, is a must.
The discovery of such services took me by surprise. Now I know the bitter truth, I'm just a poor white sucka cleaning up after my own dog. So, while out working, a burgundy truck came zipping around me at a high rate of speed as if on it's way to put out a fire. It must have been a red hot "poop emergency". Perhaps they should consider adding sirens and lights to their "Poop Mobiles". The decals on the back and sides of the truck resembled the Marines insignia and when our paths crossed again a few streets later I saw a buff guy dressed in a nice khaki uniform shirt. He had in hand various supplies and professional looking equipment. Upon closer scrutiny, I noticed the WHOLLY KRAP lettering along with a lovely picture of a dog seated on the commode right in the middle. I'd rather own that masterpiece than "Dogs Playing Cards", anyday. Preferably painted on a classy velvet background to match my Velvet Elvis oil painting collection.
What would it be like to hand out your licensed pooper scooper business cards at social gatherings? When the fine employees of WHOLLY KRAP are making introductions with new contacts do you think the people exclaim, "What??!!?? You pick up feces? For a living?" Then follows a mass exodus of everyone they shook hands with to the bathroom for some serious hand scrubbing. Do they follow it on the Stock Exchange to gauge how much to set their company prices? "Well, in surprising news today, the cost of poop has unexpectedly soared right through the roof. Analysts at Goldman-Sachs, are predicting that unsecured poop commodities will be the new "Gold Rush" of the 2000's". What about the dry cleaners where they send in the company shirts? Do you think they work with a magical poop stain removal remedy? How much do they spend a month on air fresheners? Does it work as a pick up line in a bar? "Hey baby, I just had a big job today at a house with 5 Great Danes on a protein rich bean diet, and I made bundle of cash. Who's yo daddy?" Can you imagine the reaction of people when they go grocery shopping while still in uniform? The one thing that this business has going for them is the undeniable fact that poop is a constant, renewable resource and a way of earning crap loads of money from the pooper picker upper impaired among us.