Sunday, July 09, 2006

Nom De Doom

The day of reckoning has arrived, I'm finally admitting to my other Internet obsession aside from blogging. It's a crazy little forum where they passionately discuss entymology and onomastics; the study of naming origins. The opening page of Baby's Named A Bad, Bad Thing, features some priceless gems and snarky commentary on baby naming atrocities from the website's wily proprietor. Guaranteed for a hearty, trickle inducing laugh. Hope you're wearing your Depends!

So, here in the real world, I've noticed my fair share of craptastical names lately. As a paper carrier, I'm privy to not only addresses and phone numbers, but also customer names. Let me tell you, some of them have actually made me laugh out loud. Yes, the dreaded and reviled LOL! I do feel a twinge of pity for them occasionally. Only occasionally though.

My 17 year old high school Senior brother has a classmate named, Matt Pratt. Yes, I know he's really a Matthew, but didn't his folks think of the possible nickname beforehand? I always think, "Matt Pratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean".

A former commenter here and my ex-warehouse manager, Major, is actually Richard Payne. The man is only 25, therefore the nickname for Richard; Dick, had long since been established as a phallic euphemism. Think of being a young virile guy and introducing yourself as Dick Payne. He'll never be chosen as the cover model for Men's Health magazine with that name!

A boy in my son's class at Church has the misfortune of bearing the name, Russell "Rusty" Cox. I'm picturing it now. "Whoa there girls! Don't date Rusty, unless you've gotten yourself a tetanus shot"!

The esteemed, J.P. Fagg is one of my Chronicle customers. I'd like to suggest a few naming ideas to stay away from while choosing a moniker for his offspring. Absolutely, positively, NO Mia Fagg, Ima Fagg, Darrin Fagg (gay stuntman!), Tristan Fagg (I don't wanna know), Christian Fagg (Doesn't God hate atheist faggs?) or Gaylord Fagg. Similarly, other names should be avoided because of the many roll call lists that place last name first. Imagine it. Fagg, Hunter, or
Fagg, Gayla (A gala Pride parade?) or Fagg, Piper (Scottish musician run amok).

Another customer, who happens to tip very generously at Christmastime, is Dick Rentz. Now, I can see renting a tuxedo because you'll only need one a few times in your life, but some things need to be bought outright and not leased. A Dick may be one of them. If you don't purchase it, it'll always have a "mind of it's own". I really do like Dick Rentz, he's extraordinarily friendly but I do hope that he's at least on a rent to own option plan.

Our Church has possibly the worst sibling name set ever; Sampson and Lilah. EWWWW! What's next, a Romeo and Juliet, or a Tristan and Isolde sibling set? Someone should name their kids Al and Tipper as a tribute to the greatest couple of all time, seen immortalized in the sappy movie, "Love Story".

My brother's fiancee who's named April Lovely, had to endure school roll calls of Lovely, April and inevitably some redneck wise azz always shouted out, "NO, SHE AIN'T"!

Honorable Mentions go to: Candy Ball (melts in your mouth!), Crystal and Candy Cane(white-trash twins I went to school with), Liberty Bell(*sigh* At least she went by Libby), Dustin "Dusty" Rhodes(yeah, Mom and Dad, you're so very clever), and Heidi Hyde (Hyde is her married name;still funny though), and Tristine Chapell (again, marriage name).

Everybody should read Freakonomics and the chapter detailing the correlation between oddball names and sociopathic behaviors. Very Interesting. You guys should post some of the "unique" names that you've encountered throughout your life, here. Especially you Mormons. I ran across the Utah Baby Namer, and, oh my heck, retreated to wince and shudder in a dark corner. Proof that there truly is evil in this World.


jams o donnell said...

Great names indeed elasticwaistbandlady. I knew a woman whose name was Olive Branch and in one of my earlier jobs I came accross the file of an old lady called Fanny Wiffin, the not wife has dealt with an R Sitch. In the latter 80s I used to be an Immigration official and I used to see some really good ones. Franz Paris, Glen Highland, Rod Large (all better in reverse of course. My two favourites must be Zeppelin Wong and Violet Despot (just an N away from perfection!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jams! I've been gardening all weekend and let my blogging responsibilities fall by the way side. I've missed you and now I'll have to play catch up this evening when we return home from Church. I made some interesting garden finds on Friday I'll have to tell you about.

Moi said...

My aunt has a gal in her ward that named her daughter Abcde, pronounced "Absidee". How's that for imagination?

christo said...

Since Malaysia is multicultural country, each race has its own share of "weird" names. When I say "weird" it's not "weird" to them (obviously) but "weird" when you translate them to English. Off hand, I can't seem to remember any, I'll leave this to Syar. But suffice to say, the Chinese tend to take on English names that somehow manages to make me laugh hysterically and cringe extraordinarily at the same time. There's Fruit Lam, Anven Loo, Fish Leong... the list goes on.

omar said...

I got a phone call at work from someone who received an abusive email from a student at the university where I work. She was a recruiter, and she received an email about a job from someone named "Bobette Butts," which she assumed to be fake. Rather than just discarding it, she responded to the email with something along the lines of "serious inquiries only, please."

Bobette B. Butts was indeed a student, and she didn't take to kindly to that email she received. She sent a reply back, and apparently, it was deemed "abusive."

Also, there is a Croatian student named Ivana Vujina. It's so "Austin Powers." It's pronounced "voo-GEE-na," but not to the scads of chuckling American college boys.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jams, those names cracked me up! Violet Despot and Olive Branch especially. Maybe the two of them should become friends to balance out the significance of their names?

Sadly, carrot, ABCDE is gaining in popularity from the super "creative" idiots among us. Insanity!

Fruit Lam; part of your nutritionally balanced meal! Thanks Christo, those are funny. We adopted American Indian names in our household. I gave my son this one. "He Who No Wipe Very Well". One of my girls is "Dances With Chickens". My other son is "Sir Sobalot". Scarring my children just a little bit each day.

Omar, look at the Utah Baby Namer, Bobette is on there. What if she goes on to marry the infamous John Bobbitt? Bobette Butts Bobbitt. Charming. My daughter's Sunday School teacher is D'Ann. That made the Utah Baby Namer list too. Any name that starts with Ivana is funny to me. Ditto with Mia. I heard a comedian making fun of soccer player, Mia Hamm. He said, "Mia Hamm, you a provolone".

We have a Bayou Bend Museum here donated by the late daughter of a former Texas Governor. Ready for this? Ima Hogg. Victorian era parental cruelty.

compulsive writer said...

Went to school with both Dusty Surface and Rusty Nail. Not kidding (and it was a small school, too.)

Worked with Candy Cane at the BYU Bookstore Candy Counter.
Not kidding about that, either.

Of course my name--Dalene (read Day-lean)--is not so ordinary. Most people don't pronounce it correctly and many will call me Darlene. When they do, I tell them the "R" is silent.

"There is no 'R'," they reply.

Exactly my point!

Moi said...

There was a dentist in our town named Jerome Jerome. They loved him so much, they named him twice!

omar said...

Oh yeah! Carrot reminded me of Scott Scott. I'll never understand that one.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

What about Boutros-Boutros Ghali, the former head of the United Nations? So nice, they named him twice? Our local Sheriff is Tommy Thompson. Then there's Houston's very own George Foreman that named all of his children, even the girls, George also. We had Vietnamese neighbors once who had a daughter my age, Mary Le. When I went there to ask for Mary Le, the Mom said, "which one"? Apparently, their native names were difficult to pronounce and spell on school records, so all six girls were given the name, Mary Le.

My favorite? Our local dentist is named, Frank Ponchorello. That's right, just like Eric Estrada's character on C.H.i.P.S, back in the 80's.

compulsive, Rusty Nail? I hope nobody ever stepped on him! Dalene, huh? I'm going to check it out on the Utah Baby Namer. Have you looked at that yet? Amusing, not as amusing as Baby's Named A Bad, Bad Thing, but close.

wendela said...

Long ago I'd seen the Utah namer. :) I liked your "Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing" link. I was almost sure you had written it.

I really laughed at Rodana (in her spare time she destroys Tokyo) and Tegwin. The list said she sounded like an elfin Tolkien creature- I think more like an athlete's foot cream.

Thanks once again for your continuous goal of reader enlightenment, elastic. Had it not been for you leading me to the baby name link, I'd never have known there is a real town in Canada named Dildo.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Wendela, the latest jaw dropper that's been reported and corroborated is a girl named:

Last year we saw a girl named Aryan Justice (family lives in Idaho. surprised?) A boy named Million'z A' Dolla'z. Seriously. There also was a little girl named Genocide. Factor in celebrity babies like Penn Jillettes, "Moxie Crimefighter", Jason Lee's, "Pilot Inspektor", Nicholas Cage's, "Kal-El", and you just have complete baby naming insanity.

Bad, very, very BAD!

Lia said...

Really funny. Those poor kids, though. Some things should be forbidden by the parenting association.

How about Justin Thyme?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Funny you should say that lia, because a state in Mexico, Oaxaca, I think, has banned citizens from naming their child, KEVIN. I thought that was funny.
No Kevins Allowed

Spice Girl, Gerri Halliwell, gave birth last month to a girl. She named her Bluebell Madonna. Hear that sound? That's ME, weeping for humanity!

Nom de Doom said...

Hey, look at that! You used my BNaBBT username as your title to this post. I should be flattered that you enjoyed my little pun...I've used the name for almost 3 years now, and it still amuses me.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Isn't that supposed to be like the best form of flattery? I brainstormed for a title to this and just kept coming back to Nom De Doom. So very few BNABBT members are memorable to me that I guess this is a tribute to you!