I don't usually blog on Sunday because I believe in keeping the Sabbath day holy, but I just couldn't resist expounding on my prior rant about atrocious names foisted on living, breathing human beings instead of on a potted Fern or pet tarantula where they belong.
1. There's a local lady who's extremely active in the community. I see her name printed all the time in our regional newspaper, volunteering with a senior citizen center and various Church fundraisers. Turns out she's also a woman of fine Republican distinction. Her name? PERKY SAVAGE! I linked her name because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Perky Savage is my arch nemesis. Between a Smiling Infidel and a Perky Savage, we cancel each other out. In the end, there can be only one.....
2. My deceased stepfather had parents born in rural, 1920's era Mississippi, which likely explains their odd names. ORA LEE (yes, that is pronounced like orally. Sick freak.) and RUFUS CLAUDE. They used both first and middle names at all times too. My stepdad had the honor of being born last into the family during a time of Elvis and Western movie madness, hence his name, DON WAYNE. I kid you not. So, while pregnant with my brother, Rufus Claude, offered to pay my Mom $10,000 cash if she would consent to naming my brother after him. As greedy as my Mother is, she just couldn't do it. I mean, look, I love Rufus Wainwright as much as the next gal, and I still shake my rump to Rufus and Chaka Khan, but there are limits.
3. Charity Coffin. This is the special pine box option for the more destitute of clients down at Budget Mortuary.
4. A customer on my route has an obviously Swedish name, Benny Klingenporn. Every time I see that name though, I think of "Klingon Porn". Nasty. Now, we know what Lieutenant Commander Worf was really doing in his offhours on the Starship Enterprise.
5. An American toddler named Somerset, and a blog that I ran across where the husband wants to name the kid Adenine. Yes, Adenine, like the nucleobase in forming nucleotides. The Mom wants to name the kid, Abilene, which isn't much better. Has she actually been to Abilene, Texas before? It's a dusty, redneck infested pit. Hardly child naming inspiration there.
6. Dear Mr.Ron Howard: Place of conception names are gross for children to be forced to ponder your coital exploits every time they say or write their monikers. Yet, you saddled each and every one of your offspring with a conception name. Oh, and "The Grinch That Stole Christmas" was a really sucky movie.
Thanks a lot, Posh Spice and David Beckham for infecting the World with your tacky pop culture, oddly named children, and death knell anorexia look. Anyone seen a picture of David Beckham's hefty sister, Joanne? Looks like Posh is a skeleton now because Joanne refuses to pass the casserole dish during family dinner.