Sunday, August 13, 2006

Stop The Insanity!

"WTH? Mr. Xavier gave you a better name than my Mommy and Daddy gave me. Do you wanna trade birth certificates"?

I don't usually blog on Sunday because I believe in keeping the Sabbath day holy, but I just couldn't resist expounding on my prior rant about atrocious names foisted on living, breathing human beings instead of on a potted Fern or pet tarantula where they belong.

1. There's a local lady who's extremely active in the community. I see her name printed all the time in our regional newspaper, volunteering with a senior citizen center and various Church fundraisers. Turns out she's also a woman of fine Republican distinction. Her name? PERKY SAVAGE! I linked her name because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Perky Savage is my arch nemesis. Between a Smiling Infidel and a Perky Savage, we cancel each other out. In the end, there can be only one.....

2. My deceased stepfather had parents born in rural, 1920's era Mississippi, which likely explains their odd names. ORA LEE (yes, that is pronounced like orally. Sick freak.) and RUFUS CLAUDE. They used both first and middle names at all times too. My stepdad had the honor of being born last into the family during a time of Elvis and Western movie madness, hence his name, DON WAYNE. I kid you not. So, while pregnant with my brother, Rufus Claude, offered to pay my Mom $10,000 cash if she would consent to naming my brother after him. As greedy as my Mother is, she just couldn't do it. I mean, look, I love Rufus Wainwright as much as the next gal, and I still shake my rump to Rufus and Chaka Khan, but there are limits.

3. Charity Coffin. This is the special pine box option for the more destitute of clients down at Budget Mortuary.

4. A customer on my route has an obviously Swedish name, Benny Klingenporn. Every time I see that name though, I think of "Klingon Porn". Nasty. Now, we know what Lieutenant Commander Worf was really doing in his offhours on the Starship Enterprise.

5. An American toddler named Somerset, and a blog that I ran across where the husband wants to name the kid Adenine. Yes, Adenine, like the nucleobase in forming nucleotides. The Mom wants to name the kid, Abilene, which isn't much better. Has she actually been to Abilene, Texas before? It's a dusty, redneck infested pit. Hardly child naming inspiration there.

6. Dear Mr.Ron Howard: Place of conception names are gross for children to be forced to ponder your coital exploits every time they say or write their monikers. Yet, you saddled each and every one of your offspring with a conception name. Oh, and "The Grinch That Stole Christmas" was a really sucky movie.

Thanks a lot, Posh Spice and David Beckham for infecting the World with your tacky pop culture, oddly named children, and death knell anorexia look. Anyone seen a picture of David Beckham's hefty sister, Joanne? Looks like Posh is a skeleton now because Joanne refuses to pass the casserole dish during family dinner.

33 comments:

jams o donnell said...

It just so happens I was looking at an article in a paper over at my parents' earlier on and there was a question in one of thos Notes and queries type columns asking if there ever had been a Private parts in the army. Sadly there was never one nit an ex merchant seaman stated that he had served under a captain who had his sea leg but the name S P Ewing!

Also googling idly a while back I found a furniture maker in New England called Al Kyder and there was that guy who got a lot of stick some years back caled Al Nino

Callous Communist said...

Just so your petty minds can keep up, it is spelled fiends. Were you home-schooled Wendela? F-I-E-N-D-S. What turned your liberalism into ex? Not enough heart to fight the tide of the (self)right(eous)? Erratic Waste Land, Don't mess with the prophet Che (bbhn). He did more for humanity than any one of your conservative space-kooks. And Wendela, in referring to ICP, everyone from Detroit is black, regardless of their skin color. Black is a heritage, not a race. For some enlightenment and further lessons in grammar, check out amnestyinternational.org, peta.ogr, cpusa.org. I think Prick Henry was referring to an ICP song with that bit about the dead cat.

psychic head said...

Callous Communist, you are such a transparent poser. Did you know who che guevara was until you saw his image on a shirt at a Rage concert? Grow up and quit whining. The Cold War's over, man. Communism is a dead movement. Bush won fair and square. And isn't it ironic one from the left, as you say you are, is the real racist, saying "All from detroit are black." You're a dork, CC. I think the rules state you have to be at least 18 to blog.

EWL, call me. I lost yer number.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

HaHa jams, you said seaman! Yes, he lost his sea leg but did he keep his dinghy intact? We have a furniture maker named Hooker, here in the States. I literally own a Hooker bed and a one night stand! DING!

Whatever boys. Unless you have something relevant to contribute, you can have this fight out at the Insane Clown Posse Concert, since you're both big fans.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Hee hee, you said "coital exploits."

In Ora Lee's defense, do you think anyone in 1920s Minnesota ever used the word "orally"? Did people throw that word around in everyday conversation back then? Or were they more apt to say, "pie hole"?

I wrote a post a couple weeks ago about goofy names - it contained the name Doodle Dangle Wang. Talk about cruel parents.

Um, wow, those were quite the comments before mine. I feel like brushing myself off after all this mudslinging.

mullet said...

is there not an actress called tuesday knight?

omar said...

Remember how I said that I wanted to get hit on by a 40+ year old woman? I now add the requirement that she must be named "Perky Savage."

Moi said...

Perky Savage! ROFL!! I love your name posts!

compulsive writer said...

Ditto.

But I guess Ora could be relieved that she wasn't named Ana.

Ugh. Did I just say that out loud?

p.s. Elastic, are you still speaking to me since I came out about Doonsbury? I only laugh sometimes. I promise.

Elizabeth-W said...

There are people in Texas who would bet thousands of dollars that Ima Hogg had a sister named Ura.
Mainly I love that baby's intense face. Our CP's are named Julissa and Kendall. My 3 year old has taken to calling me Ruby.

wendela said...

Perky Savage, who would have thought that would be the name of the woman to woo omar. haha

I had no idea Abilene's a pit. Well, I only had heard the old song. :) (The one Buck Owens did, not Yes.)

I won't even get into it w/callous. "Feiends" is a take-off from a post from radioactive jam. Get w/the program. Sheesh.

Carry on with the funny names, elastic!:)

White Man Retarded said...

Hey, EWL, do you think I'm crazy? It's actually a serious question. My wife thinks you probably think so. I think I'm just bored. Ha! Speaking of names, if we had another baby, I'd want to name him Malachi. People would say, "Ahh, how good of you, PH, it's a bible name." Then I'd say, "No, mf, when I yell at the kids, my other sons would say to the youngest, 'He wants you too, Malachi!" Yes! Or I'd name him Maher-shalal-hash-baz. That's actually a Bible/BOM name. Look it up for the meaning.

White Man Retarded said...

Wendela, I love you, sister.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

TMM, Yeah, "coital exploits", as though any of us really want to imagine Opie getting some. EEEWWWW! Doodle Dangle Wang? Is he American? I see him leading the 4th of July Parade singing, "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dangle", followed by "Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody WANG chung tonight".

I don't know mullet. Doesn't she belong to Sheryl Crow's Tuesday Night Music Club though? :)

Omar, At risk of sounding like Bowling For Soup, come back to Texas. I'm sure that there is only one Perky Savage in the entire World. That's my fervent hope anyway.

The name thing is an obsession, carrot. However, it lacks that musky Calvin Klein scent that you can dab behind your ears.

CW~ Analee? EWWWW! That's just wrong. Give me Sara Lee, that's a nicer combination. CW, you and Pottymouth are practically everyday reads for me. I love everybody as children of God; even Doonesbury readers.

elizabeth, Our CPK doll is named Elena Fiona. Slightly alliterative, but it beats the cheese out of Nevaeh, Jersey, Brinlee, Madyson or any of the other monstrosities parents are naming kids now. Yeah, I've been to Ima Hogg's place at Bayou Bend many times. Maybe her name is why she never married?

I know wendela, Omar has impossibly high standards. Any name that rhymes with Vaseline should be avoided wendela. Just a naming rule of thumb. Ooops, I guess my Mom didn't follow that one because my first and middle name together rhymes with Vaseline. Anyone else thinking about Flaming Lips and their horrible Vaseline song right now?

Papi advised me to stay away from you because he thinks you've gone loco! Me? Well, most of the time you make me laugh. I'm of the utmost discriminative taste in humour, so that's a compliment.

the flying monkeys said...

What. Don’t tell me you still live here. Here is me all cloaked up in warm things. Like I said earlier, I am claiming both squatters and hereditary rights. I am moving in. Need you out. Begin to plan your removals. You wouldn't want a lorry arriving that is too small!!!!

White Man Retarded said...

Doesn't Papi know he's understood to eat also?

Moi said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
tom said...

Carrotjello, not a can of soup are you? What's prejudice doing on my can of carrot soup?

the flying monkeys said...

Tom,

hope you don't think you are having a label for witty cooking directions.

Moi said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Becky said...

1. I grew up in Abilene, Tx, and your description is spot on.

2. My grandmother's name is Zella Dolores.

3. Her name is only surpassed in hilarity by her sister's (my great-aunt) - Conjetti Yolanda.

Lia said...

Re Private Parts, see Terry Pratchett in Monstrous Regiment. I know, it doesn't really count.

Anyhow, great post!

Demosthenes said...

That baby is about lay down a vicious headbutt, I can smell it coming. In this case I can see it too, because those eyes just reek of pent-up rage.

Demosthenes said...

Oh, and I'm naming my kids Finnegan, Maverick and Quinn. Are those bad?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

FIGHT, FIGHT, Between the left and the right! Like Wyclef Jean and Shakira says, "No fighting". OK?

HI Becky! I'm glad you didn't disparage me for the Abilene remark. Some people get really touchy about their place of birth. You must have Hispanic family members. My husband's Mom, and all his sisters and Aunts have names that start with Maria.*sings* "How do you solve a problem like having too many Maria's?"

Lia! I always like seeing Omar's friends around here. Everyone knows that Omar's the shiz!

demosthenes, Quinn is fine, but only on a boy. Finnegan is a surname but not overly horrible. Maverick, acceptable only if your other kids are named Iceman and Goose or you put it as a middle name. First name......FORD. Ford Maverick! hee hee :)

Julie said...

I love your posts about names! Names are one of the best forms of entertainment in the world for me. And I'm touched that you visit my blog every day. (sniff sniff, snnnnORT)

One of my favorite names was one we heard when a baby was blessed in church. They named the kid Tiko (pronounced "tee-koh") Scott. I leaned over to my husband, poked him in the ribs, and said, "teekoh, teekoh!" (As in "tickle, tickle.") He was appalled! The kid was hardly a month old and already someone (me) was making fun of his name.

My sister keeps track of some real doozies that she sees at the hospital. Try "Permalua" on for size.

Don't like it? Neither did its owner. She went by Marie.

wendela said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
wendela said...

My daughter read this and her idea of a "conception place name" is Karr Backseat.

RC said...

yikes! That's really funny abot Perky and linking to her name here...

I hope she offers her own comment here.

--RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com

White Man Retarded said...

One of my conception names is Transco Tower Parking Lot Roof.

Elizabeth-W said...

That's a bit too much info, Patrick. You're quite the risk-taker!!

The Lazy Organizer said...

Hey Home School Homey! I have one that beats all. Mr. Dick Fagg. Yes, I worked for this man at a fabric store when I was in high school. The confusing thing is, he didn't have to be a Dick Fagg. He could have been a Robert Fagg or a Rob Fagg. But he chose Dick Fagg. I don't think I will ever be able to solve this puzzle.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

julie, We've been laughing for a couple days about little, Teekoh Teekoh! Don't feel guilty, you're mocking the crappy taste of the parents, not the actual baby. He's just a victim in all this. I predict he'll go by Scott in the future. Funny story about my daughter's friend meeting a lady who named her daughter, Brooklyn. He said, "Brooklyn? Like that dirty place in New York?" Posh Spice named her son that too.

Dick Fagg! (insert evil laughter here). Look back at my other linked name post, Nom De Doom. I blogged about a guy I know named Richard "Dick" Payne and a Rusty Cox. There's also a racing guy named DICK TRICKLE, and he even has his own fan club!

So, what curriculum do you use? Have your kids started the school year yet? Houston schools go back today. Good. That means relative quiet in the neighborhood and when we go to the store.