The kids and I are leaving for a destination deep in the heart of Texas today, where the stars at night are big and bright, and the cowgirls cry "Yippee Yi." Sadly, or gladly, depending on how technologically attached you are, this is also one of the only pristine places left on the face of the Earth that features neither Internet access nor cell phone reception. Yes, we literally are going to "Butts Camp" for a refresher course along with our fellow homeschooling comrades, and then much fun and adventure await us as I handle six kids single handedly in the wilds of the San Antonio metropolis. We're on a special mission to find Pee Wee Herman's red bike in the basement of The Alamo!
Ya'all come back now, ya hear? Yes, peruse these exciting blog events scheduled upon our return back to civilization.
1. The unveiling of a brand new Smiling Infidel. Now with 68.8675% more smileys!!!! Much thanks to the creative efforts of super feiend, Omar, and his gift of a facelift to me. Not that I need a facelift mind you. I need a tummy tuck, electrolysis, liposuction...... Well, to clarify, it's a blog facelift. All the wrinkles smoothed out with nary an injection of botulism.
2. Nestled between the scheduled return of Lianne from France and Halloween, the Infidel will proudly present, "WOO WOO WEEK", as a nod to the Goddess of Woo Woo herself, Lianne. Better gather up your extra Depends adult diapers and nitroglycerin pills, boys and girls, because I'll be retelling all the truly strange, and occasionally horrifying paranormal things that have happened to me and people that I know. Chills and mini freakouts galore!
3. Think you have what it takes to be a member of The Smiling Infidel gang? We'll show you all our covert hand gestures, gang initiations, slang, and the official Infidel gang snack, YooHoo chocolate drink. Yes, if you're prepared for some grueling tasks and learning cornball lingo to hang with us, then have your smiley faced doo rags and bandanas at the ready.
4. The monkey sock mania continues as I once again show off a new pair sure to make Radioactive Jam seethe in blinding monkey socked jealousy. This one had him conceding victory to me, as he sensed my monkey sock supremeness over him.
5. A Tale Of Two Kitties. The youngest of my spawn, Melody, will show off her true fashion loves, her kitty cat dresses.
6. To all blog friends, old and new, I'll miss you. To all you lurkers, you know who you are, and I'm certainly not above employing guilt complex techniques to call you out. Comment already!!! Let's work together to shatter the previous comment record of 36 here. Even if you just stop by and write, "Your blog is a total waste of time for me to read, and yet I can't stop myself from coming back for more.", it's all good, and counts as one more towards beating the all time high of 36.
I'll bring you guys back lots of cheesy souvenirs, and the requisite vacation picture slide show. Yay! How excited are you for my blog return now, huh? And with that, I bid you all a fond adieu.
41 comments:
first! I hope. you know, I wouldn't have gotten that pee wee herman reference (as I have not watched the movie) if it weren't for this ridiculous VH1 special on stupid and stupider movies.
the power of television.
have fun on your road trip and viva la reinvigorated infidel!
and then after your blog I skip over to dooce.com, and what do I see? a link to an audio clip proclaiming that THERE IS NO BASEMENT IN THE ALAMO.
I hope I haven't spoiled it for you, but I'm just shocked at how intuitive the universe is.
is pee wee herman making us all think of him at the same time or something? stop messing with my mind, pee wee!!!
Thank you, Jacob Chap 7!!
Have a great trip. We will miss you terribly.
*desperately begins rummaging through sock drawer*
Hmm. WV letters: vjnugo. I get the last part but the VeeJn eludes me. So much for my highly vaunted prodigious brain. See this is what happens when I get distracted by imminent sock wars.
Come on, Simone. Let's talk about your big butt.
"Your blog is a total waste of time for me to read, and yet I can't stop myself from coming back for more."
NEVAH. I love your blog, and I love the smileys. I guess I do have to agree with "I can't stop myself from coming back for more."
Have fun. "Jimmy crack corn... and IIIII DOOOOOOON'T CAAAAARRRRE..." AHHHHHHH!
I need some pistols. I've got someone getting the coonskin cap, I need some pistols. (I hope you're bringing back pistols!)
Rushing out to get a case of Depends for your return...
Love the new template. I think I need to share some of the "hotness" with Omar.
I don't know what I will do the the extra 10 minutes a day I will have by not visiting your blog, while you are away.
Have
a
great
time
at
camp!
Haste ye back
I love you smileys!!
Your blog looks so happy now!
It deserves more exclamation marks !!!!!!!!!!!
I shall miss you my BFF, I awat your return with many awesome infidel adventures.
By my calculation, the percentage increase in smileys is actually closer to 71.48%.
And it may be a bit soon to claim to be free of botulism... I forgot to tell you that it's a common side effect of my redesigns.
I like the new look of your blog, btw.
Smiling, happy, people everywhere. This should make "Super Happy Girl" really happy.
Super Happy Girl approves of the changes.
I forgot" Have a week full of kitties!
Hope you don't get sick from the haze!
Eh, wrong continent.
I love Pee Wee Herman, your monkey sox and your blog.
Have fun!!! I also have to say I LOVE your new look!!!
This place is so AWESOME! And I love that when I hover over my name (showing that blatant bribery will get you everything in this world), my smiley gets all happy to see me!
Can't wait for woo woo week!
yeah, what glo said.
Also,when I move my cursor on top of all the smileys in a vertical line, they look as if the were singing.
How fun is that? I'm having the most fun EVAR!
We started off fast, but now we're falling behind. 36 or bust!
what a great new look! love the smilies, omar was this your doing? good job.
36!
36!!
36!!!
We can do it!
I love your writing.
Since you are gone on vacation i'm sure you missed this little gem in the newspaper, but i felt it my duty to inform the INFIDEL upon her return
School bans tag, other chase games
ATTLEBORO, Massachusetts (AP) -- Tag, you're out!
Officials at an elementary school south of Boston have banned kids from playing tag, touch football and any other unsupervised chase game during recess for fear they'll get hurt and hold the school liable.
Recess is "a time when accidents can happen," said Willett Elementary School Principal Gaylene Heppe, who approved the ban.
Well, WHEW! It's about time. Thank god someone finally put an end to the insanity. Being a father of an 8 year old girl, I have always been worried about some kind of horrific "Tag" injury. After all you don't just recover from a scraped knee overnight. That is something that lasts a lifetime. In the tragic Tag Incident at Redwood Elementary I myself was poked in the eye and haven't been able to look at finger ever since. Hell, I haven't been able to flip someone off without ducking myself since 1979! I mean, you hear about these kids and their Tag or Dodgeball injuries on the news so often and you think, "Well, that couldn't happen to my kid" but then it does. Ask yourself, how would you like to be a teacher and have to face a devastated parent and tell them, "Ma'am, I am sorry to inform you that your son today....fell."
Now, when I was a child we were lucky enough to have GOD watching over us, but since they took religion out of schools you just can't be to careful. I of course remember the good old days, now long gone, in which during the prayer period before recess I would sit with my head bowed to God and I would pray to my creator, "OH PLEASE LORD, DON'T LET IT BE ME TODAY. DON'T LET IT BE ME!" and despite the fear I could go out and face recess knowing God was watching. It was scary, but with the lord with me, I could face it.
Just think of all the deaths you saw as a child. They can now be stopped. Think of all the small mangled bodies you witnessed when you were a kid. Finally, the horror can end.
Do you remember when you leaped from the swings....over the asphalt playground....at its highest point...to feel like you were flying? Horrifying.
Do you remember that red shark skin like ball, that would be launched at your face when playing dodge ball? I bet we all wish we hadn't played that game.
Or who could ever forget all those poor girls being dragged out by the thousands when they would incorrectly back flip off the monkey bars and land in the sand face first. Yes, at last we can put that all behind us.
Take this to heart folks...once you inoculate little Johnny from every possible thing you can think of and wash him from head to toe with anti bacterial soap, stuff him full of ADHD drugs, pump his lungs open with albuteral, administer his allergy meds, wipe his nose with aloe tissue and drop "real tears" into his dried out little eyes, the next thing you need to do is this...wrap him in bubblewrap. Thats right, I said it. I will be the first one to say, we should go to any lengths to keep our kids safe. Bubblewrap his little ass and think of how blissful the sounds muffled children laughing would be. The joy of asking him how his day at school was and hearing that inspirational "Murphhhlckkkk".
At long last, we can face facts. Game like Tag or Dodgeball or for that matter any competitive sport should not have its place in our world. Just think what would have happened if our parents had had the choice to not play these most dangerous of games. Think of all they could have done. Think where we would be today. I bet by this time the world would all be unified under one giant nation and we would all be speaking one language and we would be a super race of human.
Only if.......
Can you believe Millie said Super Happy Girl was wearing roadkill on her head?
Can you tell it's a Halloween bandana?
I can.
Yeah, what James said.
It's time for children to start acting their age and to be more responsible.
Having fun at recess? What ever made children they were entitled to that? This is real life children, get used to it: Real life is dangerous.
Also, I'm thinking they need to rename the "playground", the word "play" should not be there, since there should be no play allowed at all, because it's dangerous.
They should call it “restground” or “quietground”.
So, when are you coming back?
She should be back by now!
You have been gone for so long Super happy Girl is wearing another hat.
I'm trying so hard to beat your record, but I feel like everyone has left, and I'm here by myself, trying so hard, and yet failing.
Failing.
Failing you.
But what if you come back tomorrow and I could have made a difference?
YAY!!!!!!
PEE WEE HERMAN ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WooHoo! I'm number 40!
I finally returned late last night!!!! :).........and then promptly had to go to work. :(
I've been frantically washing underwear all day or else tomorrow we'll have to knit some fig leaves together because a week of vacation wiped out our underwear drawer.
Did you know that I just went a whole week without tweezing or shaving my legs or hair removal of any kind? My Papi opened the front door last night to discover The Missing Link had stumbled out of the wooded camp and headed home to him.
I have stories! I have pictures! I have ant bites! I have a sunburn! Thank you bloggy people for exceeding all my fondest fantasies of surpassing the 36 mark. NO COOL STORY, you ma'am, are a comment machine!
I'm feeling so sad because as I was reading I was so determined to help the cause of the comments tally. When I got to the end I realized you'd already passed "36" and no longer feel like my comment is worth that much. Can't wait to here of the San Antonio adventures.
:D
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