Friday, December 01, 2006

You Are What You Eat

So says Mr. Dumass of Dumass Tacos.
I'm very excited to announce the opening of a Dumass eatery right here in the heart of Texas. I don't know about you all, but I strive to get my FDA recommended allotment of Dumass nutrients on a daily basis, because Dumass food makes you grow big and strong, and able to quote the deep thoughts of Ashton Kutcher on a whim. Yes, and I won't accept just any old imitation Dumass Taco either. Only the finest Dumass Taco made with 100 percent real Dumass will do.

I know that the apostrophe symbol is burnt out, but from the street you can't see it at all. Their sign on the shopping center marquee completely lacks any sort of an apostrophe. What a bunch of Dumass's! So, unto us, a new Dumass is born. Too bad they didn't locate it next door to my other favorite dining establishment, Chewy Balls. Chewy Balls and Dumass Tacos- A nutritious and delicious part of your everyday diet!

26 comments:

Elizabeth-W said...

Are they in the same strip mall? Because, that would be especially sweet. All you need now in the same complex is a leather 'n lace type establishment.

Lianne said...

Where on earth do you find these things? Aren't you finding yourself a bit alarmed living there?

jams o donnell said...

Brilliant! but Chewy Balls?? does anyone actually want to eat at a place called Chewy balls?? I will have to move to Houston and open up a new eatery and call it something like tender scrotum.

wendela said...

Thank you, elastic. Houston will never seem the same now that I (virtually) know you. As for chewy balls, yuk. Gummy black balls - boba (what they call it here) - in my drink are just wrong.
I think you need a page dedicated to all your finds. Dumass Taco has to head the list, though.

A Payne said...

What a triumphant return after your short absence. Good to see you blogging again.

I wonder if their fish tacos are any good?

I think I will open a store in that strip mall called,

"Second-hand and Towels & Soaps"

White Man Retarded said...

A while ago I asked Isaac Hayes face to face, after he preached about the benefits of a low-sodium diet, what could I substitute for salt in his recipe for Chocolate Salty Balls. Lianne, Texas is the place. Not necessarily Houston, but Texas.

jedimacfan said...

Ah, now it all makes sense. So THIS is where Dubya eats most of his meals...

Radioactive Jam said...

Every time I start to think fiction is gaining on real life, I see something like this. Thank you for restoring my faith in reality's knack for exceeding my strangest imaginings.

mullet said...

no matter where you choose to eat, so long as it's no sweat off papi's sack!

No Cool Story said...

Dumass...sabor!!!!
I'd love to go to this shopping center, then I could go to "Second-hand and Towels & Soaps", I could even pick-up in an order of Schwetty Balls to go.

I missed ya Elastic!
I need my daily elastic fix.

Mimo said...

ROFL! I am dying from laughter here!!! Thank you so much!!!
I have to come visit you and your funny area someday! I'd really like to try that food!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

elizabeth- I don't go to seedy places with the word "strip" in it. In the immortal words of my idol Nelly Furtado, "What kind of girl do you take me for?"

lianne- Check this out. What The Pho? I mean, you gotta be Pho King kidding me with these restaurant names.

jams- I can attest to this, jams. Chewy Balls are delicious!

wendela- Chewy Balls cost extra to put in your smoothies and other drinks. Who knew that a girl had to pay to get some Chewy Balls around here?

a payne- Add another one to your bevy of storefronts, "Mind Bleach."

patrick henry- So you've told me. So you've told me. Twice! I wonder if he ever performs that song at Scientologist get togethers?

jedi!- Actually, Dumass caters to a certain political crowd that reveres and hoists the Dumass symbol everywhere they go. Cooter's is undoubtedly another popular politico hot spot around here too!

RAJ- When you comin back to Texas to git you a little Dumass?

mullet- LOL! Papi's a taco snob, and besides I'm all the Dumass one man needs in his life.

NCS- Awwww, there's nothing like being crude and winning the hearts of the people all at the same time. Viva! I missed all my bloggy friends, specially you, NCS!.*sings*" I lost that bloggy feeling, whoa, that bloggy feeling. I lost those bloggy feelings and they were gone, long gone. But now, I must go on. Whoa whoa whoa."

mimo- I'll start planning our culinary tour now! Save your money now for a Chewy Balls commemorative T-shirt that says, "I Have Chewy Balls." I kid you not. They insist on having good taste while displaying bad taste. The irony. The irony!

compulsive writer said...

Ditto Lianne. You crack me up!

(p.s. Did you ever see the titbits on the menu we found at Pizz Burger in Finland?)

Jenn said...

Too funny! Can't write...laughing...

Great one jedimacfan!

Carrotjello said...

They should put that extra 'S' on the end of Taco, then they'd be Dum as tacos.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

You know, I was thinking, I wonder if you have to swear upon a Dumass Oath or Dumass Code Of Ethics to work there? Would prospective employees kiss butt by saying that they could be shining stars on the Dumass team and insisting that they are Dumass material?

Hmmmmm.

on.the.run said...

I have tried and tried to temp various family members to go in to chewy balls (not try any thing, just go in) no takers so far. I think they are catering to the high school crowd!

Rhonda said...

That's hysterical! Where is it? I must go see it myself. And of course, I want to let Mr. Dumas know that if the word ends in an "s" you only use an apostrophe...you don't add another "s". Dumass.

emma jo said...

only in Texas...and maybe Arkansas or parts of New Jersey...

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Alright ladies, rhonda, emma jo, and on the run, we're all Houstonians, I propose an Infidel Culinary Tour through Northwest Houston. We'll gorge ourselves insane on Dumass Tacos, and then head over to Chewy Balls for something to wash it all down. Then, you can all come to my house roasted cock stew.

I'm serious about that ya'all. I about died laughing when I saw Roasted Cock Stew listed in my crockpot cookbook.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Hello and Welcome to all you fine lawyers and legal professionals. Please don't sue the crap out of me for making fun of the silliest taco restaurant name on the face of the earth. Wouldn't it be cheaper for them to hire someone who knows about apostrophes rather than hire legal assistance? My 11 year old daughter could volunteer her services to them for free. She learned about apostrophes in fourth grade! Thank you very much for the interest shown in my blog. For all my free publicity efforts, I expect a Dumass Taco voucher for a complimentary meal.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Infidel
They should have a Dumass Buffet. I'm wearing my elasticwaistband pants, and I'm ready to go!

on.the.run said...

I am in - Cock stew hugh, I could come up with several things to say about that but it wouldn't be very mormony of me.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

on the run- Funny that you should say "Mormony" because whenever I take a shower or brush my teeth, etc. I tell Papi, "Presenting Melissa! Now with a super fresh Mormony scent added!"

dumass_taco said...

I wanted to let you all know we are now open from 6am to 9pm.

Tacos and coffee are only a Dollar from 6am until 10am. Enjoy and thank you all in advance for your support.

Dumass

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Hey! I just passed by your place on Tuesday because I had a hankering for a Dumass Taco and you guys were still under construction. I felt very sad and very taco deprived indeed. Thanks for taking this all in good fun and being cool about it. I'll be seeing you soon but I won't reveal my super secret identity just in case there may be some plans of revenge spit in my taco.

Anonymous said...

Are you kidding me?! I loved the comments! Tell everyone I’m sorry about my grammar (it sucks)
but I’m truly a “Dumass”. LOL!
Please do come by though. We don’t have the menu up on the wall yet but, anything you want (ask for the “Dumass Special”) the chef will make. And by the way we never spit in the food. Hell we can’t, you can see everything we do… The fajitas tacos are great! But you be the judge of that and let us know what you think. Thanks…
Enjoy,
Dumass