In a fit of forced frugality this week, I went shopping at our local 99 Cents Only Store to lasso up some provisions to satisfy the voracious appetites of my lovely little Infidel Family.
Now, I don't mind denying us fancy designer labels when it comes to clothes. Banana Republic? No, not for us. We shop at their discount retailer, Red-Banded Bananas Republic ( Proudly Selling Fruit Fly Free Merch. since 2007!) But, I'm kind of a brand name snob when it involves our food. So then to what did my money-saving eyes should appear, but boxes of artificial butter with a product name to fear.
TASTES LIKE BUTTER! Ooooh, it tastes like butter, but what the crap is it, really?
A moment of grandiose epiphany tugged at my brain, startling me. And then I realized that I could embark on a new career coming up with label names for dollar store grocery items. The Dollar Store industry does represent an astronomical rate of growth. In certain markets, they hold a larger share of the grocery sales pie than even traditional chain stores like Kroger's. Tell me what you think of these tasty little treats and your likelihood of picking it up just based on the sweet box design and intriguing product name.
IT MIGHT BE BACON!
KIND OF, SORT OF, LIKE CHEESE!
USED TO BE A COW! Frozen Hamburger Patties
SMELLS LIKE BURRITOS!
ARE YOU READY TO FUNK THIS JELLY? Beyonce Brand Jam
LOOKS LIKE YOGURT!
POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME! Porn Star Endorsed Sugar
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT DIDN'T COME FROM A CHICKEN! Eggs
You shouldn't try any of these items without first purchasing the Dollar Store brand of upset stomach medicine.....DIARRHEA BE GONE!