Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I Wonder If You Can Buy Life Insurance Policies At The Dollar Store Too?

In a fit of forced frugality this week, I went shopping at our local 99 Cents Only Store to lasso up some provisions to satisfy the voracious appetites of my lovely little Infidel Family.

Now, I don't mind denying us fancy designer labels when it comes to clothes. Banana Republic? No, not for us. We shop at their discount retailer, Red-Banded Bananas Republic ( Proudly Selling Fruit Fly Free Merch. since 2007!) But, I'm kind of a brand name snob when it involves our food. So then to what did my money-saving eyes should appear, but boxes of artificial butter with a product name to fear.
TASTES LIKE BUTTER! Ooooh, it tastes like butter, but what the crap is it, really?

A moment of grandiose epiphany tugged at my brain, startling me. And then I realized that I could embark on a new career coming up with label names for dollar store grocery items. The Dollar Store industry does represent an astronomical rate of growth. In certain markets, they hold a larger share of the grocery sales pie than even traditional chain stores like Kroger's. Tell me what you think of these tasty little treats and your likelihood of picking it up just based on the sweet box design and intriguing product name.
IT MIGHT BE BACON!
KIND OF, SORT OF, LIKE CHEESE!
USED TO BE A COW! Frozen Hamburger Patties
SMELLS LIKE BURRITOS!
ARE YOU READY TO FUNK THIS JELLY? Beyonce Brand Jam
LOOKS LIKE YOGURT!
POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME! Porn Star Endorsed Sugar
WAFFLE-SHAPED WAFFLES!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT DIDN'T COME FROM A CHICKEN! Eggs

You shouldn't try any of these items without first purchasing the Dollar Store brand of upset stomach medicine.....DIARRHEA BE GONE!

34 comments:

Annie said...

Reminds me of meatcake. Smells like meat, looks like cake, must be meat-cake.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Your comment reminds me of the most evilest lunch meat known to mankind....... Head Cheese.

Tori :) said...

Head cheese? Eeew. Don't swallow that.

Melissa said...

You have a talent! I think you could be rich and famous with your brand names! Just don't forget us little people ...

Carrot Jello said...

makes me want to run to the dollar store.
Yeah, that IS all I could think of. Wanna fight?

Lisa said...

Mmmm, used to be a cow.

Carrot Jello said...

Looks like water!
(Maybe just a bit more yellow.)

aubrey said...

kind of, sort of, like cheese. but not. ewww. i say go for it, sell this stuff. i'm sure there are plenty of people who would buy it. discounted.

Amber said...

Get me some of that.

Once upon a time when I was shopping for pregnancy..errr...tests that is, I happened upon one at the dollar store. After a moment's reflection, I had to pass. I mean, what if it had an "Almost Pregnant" choice?...

Stacey said...

I heart dollar stores but I've never bought food there. My SIL bought 2 pregnancy tests from there and both of them were correct. Silly me,I spent $13 more.

Although I've heard that the I CAN'T BELIEVE IT DIDN'T COME FROM A CHICKEN! Eggs are to die for....seriously.

Stacey said...

Hey! Don't diss the 99 cent insurance policy I bought...I am eligble for $42.65 in about 30 years.

Kayelyn said...

I forgot what I was going to write after I read Tori's comment;)


Oh yeah, I'll take the sugar.

Oh, and does "it might be bacon" come in precooked?

Jean Knee said...

hmm, how about "name that meat"
and if you guess correctly you get a free bag of crunches like chips.

sorry, about the lameness of my post

Special K ~Toni said...

Hehe! I like the 'smells like burritos'! David would eat it. He eats anything.

omar said...

"It might be bacon" is all the assurance I need.

nikko said...

Yummy!

You really do take your camera everywhere, don't you!?

Sketchy said...

What no Chicken Parts? I need me some parts of Chicken.

Amanda said...

I always thought 'processed cheese product' was bad enough, but 'kind of, sort of like cheese' is waaaaay worse!

Elizabeth-W said...

Did you know margarine was originally called oleomargarine?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm busy doing adult movie stuff until Thursday. I'll be around to leave a personal Infidel howdy-doo after that, though.

Oh, and yes I did say adult movie stuff. I'm taping and taking pictures of my 11 year old craphole house and how it's crumbling down around us in an effort to get our tax appraisal board to lower their listed market value of the Infidel homestead. I also have to work non-stop until Thursday's hearing because we be PO Infidels. :( You know, I'm doing "ADULT STUFF." And I hate it!!!!

I want some STICKY LIKE THE MOVIE THEATER FLOOR-Cotton Candy from the Dollar Store to make my many woes go away.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Elizabeth was right when she accused me of being Type B. I just want to have money so I can hire other people to do the boring paperwork that life comes with.

No Cool Story said...

Looks like yogurt...no. I'd have to draw the line on that one. You know how many things look like yogurt?

Good luck on your adult movie stuff.

Physcokity said...

haha red-banded bananas republic

Bee said...

Be wary of those "grandiose epiphanys"! The last one that tugged on my brain made me get married! :o)
Uh.. just kidding, I'm happily married 55% of the time... 35% maybe...?

Bee said...

When I wanted the goverment to lower my taxes, I took a picture of my house and photo-shopped-cropped it to make it look like it was half in the river.
They wound up giving me money!

Goverment folk: This is not a true story and that is not my real name.

Lisa said...

Where I live the taxes are based on your purchase price. No way I will ever get to lower my taxes and it is a very sad sad thing. Good luck being the adult.

Nancy Face said...

I might be tempted to buy "JIGGLES LIKE JELLY"...if I was in a jam. ;)

Grown-up stuff is so not fun...I'm sorry! Good luck with it.

wynne said...

I think I may have bought some of these before...MAYBE IT'S BACON, MAYBE IT'S NOT...

Oh, heavens.

Do they sell any scented candles at the dollar store, by the way? I bet I know what scents they would have:
FOREVER BACON
LE CHAT BRULEE
DIAPER DREAM
Am I right or what?

Rhonda said...

I would buy smells like burritos for the entertainment value only. Especially since it doesn't say "tastes" like burritos.

Oh, and I might buy the sugar. I mean, if a porn star thinks it tastes good...

carronin said...

I've been pondering for days on this and the best I can come up with is.... Might be pudding or not. I know I've tried this before chocolate flavored chocolate(gag) when I've been desperate for chocolate.
Now I know better to just hold out for the real stuff.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Wynne, Nancy, and Carronin......I'm going to tap your product naming expertise next time I do a post like this.

Listen Rhonda, you don't know where that sugar's been. Remember Sheena Easton and her Sugar Walls? Yeah, that's not an ingredient I want in my pitcher of lemonade.

Lisa and Bee- The problem with me is that I hyperventilate over new things and I've never protested the appraised value of the house before. So what am I doing? Procrastinating finishing up my evidence presentation due this afternoon and blogging instead. I'm an adult, but I'm a sadly immature one.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

This reminded me of an episode of the Simpsons, when the family visited "I Can't Believe It's a Law Firm!"

More! More! I want more!!!

nora.lakehurst said...

You are Hilarious Stacey showed me this site and I couldnt stop laughing. My hubby totally loved your comments. You should send this to Jay Leno. He does a .99 thing on his show once in a while. I laugh every time. You have got some laughter talent sista. Great stuff.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

I'm listening to the end of "Only the Beginning" (hee hee) and I am reminded of the way all 70s groups were so narcissistic and/or high, they all made their songs 16 minutes long. They were all that groovin'.