Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Smiling Infidel:Spicier Than The Spice Channel

Okay, I've adopted a set of useful rules to keep me safe while working during the graveyard shift.
Rule Number One:Do not make eye contact with strangers or engage them in conversation.

So one morning, a few months ago, I stopped at the friendly neighborhood Valero gas station for some very important Nacho Time. As I walked in, I noticed this gigantic mass of a man wearing a mesh trucker cap and stuffed into a nastily stained gray T-shirt underneath a red-checkered flannel shirt. He was leaning his massive body over the rectangular cooler filled with iced-down beer and looked like the long-lost identical twin of Billy Pratt who plays Kurt Russell's best friend in the classic 80's cheeseball film, Overboard. Oh, don't even come around here and pretend that you haven't seen that movie, because I know better. I bet you sit around and watch it every time its the Saturday Matinee Movie on TV and mouth the dialogue right along with the characters. (I do!)

Anyway, so I stroll off to the back of the store to get some bottled water and then make my way over to the oozing font of processed nacho cheese goodness when I hear Mr. Hee-Haw bellow out to me in a maddeningly slow Southern drawl, "How you doin, young lady?"

I fervently continued on with my nacho mission and completely avoided his red-eyed gaze as I politely answered, "Fine."

The man still continued to try to chat me up even though my back was to him and I'm obviously blowing him off. Now admittedly, I was dressed in my super sultry 'Where My Peeps At?' T-shirt that I bought for $1.99 at Walgreens Drug Store paired with my seductive Hanes Her Way gray cotton capri pants and crusty Birkenstock sandals. I mean, who can really blame the guy for ogling my divine beauty? Can't nobody work the Manual Laborer Hottie look like I can.

The Valero attendant knows me by name and understands my nacho addiction. He scurried to the back to bring out a dish of fresh jalapenos for me as I stood there waiting, paper nacho tray in hand..

Mr. Hee-Haw actually stood up straight, detaching himself from his beer cooler perch, and excitedly waved his arms around while hollering at me in his mouth-full-of-moon-pie way, "Jalapenos? Now I know it's true. You is the woman of my dreams!!!!"

Crap.

It became obvious that he wanted to cart me off and make me the Queen of his double-wide trailer. The sound of 'Dueling Banjos' started ringing in my ears. Apparently, Mr. Hee-Haw has very rigid criteria in selecting a woman. I can only imagine his online dating application on the line where it asks to specify his perfect match: "Must Love Jalapenos." It's a bit disconcerting that he identified me as the woman of his redneck dreams. I wonder what the woman of his nightmares must be like? It's probably the saucy server over at Pancho's Mexican Buffet who sternly told him, "I'm sorry sir, but you've eaten every last chili relleno in this place. I'm going to have to ask you to leave now."

As I stood at the register paying, Mr. Hee-Haw attempted one final maneuver......he complimented my awesome red truck and asked if he could go along with me to help throw my paper route.

I'm a heartbreaker. When I screeched an emphatic "NOOOOOO!" at him I could actually hear his ego whooshing out like when you sit down on one of those squishy, padded toilet seats. Ssssssssssssss.

I find it incredibly sad that a guy so old has to resort to trawling for fat, married chicks at a convenience store. His pick-up lines were also incredibly sad. Isn't there a 'Picking Up Women At The Gas Station For Dummies' book that he can consult and take notes?

My Papi thought the whole incident was funny, especially since I had to fend off the amorous advances of the decrepit and ancient Matzo Man just last year. I guess consuming so many spicy jalapenos has made me a red-hot mama; irresistible to all who encounter me. :)

37 comments:

nikko said...

First! Now back to read what you wrote and laugh hysterically, I'm sure.

nikko said...

Bwa ha ha! The best part of the whole thing:

"...his ego whooshing out like when you sit down on one of those squishy, padded toilet seats. Ssssssssssssss"

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Ooooh, you're up early, Nikko!

I hope this didn't turn out too long. You know I hate really overdone posts. But when I started writing about Nacho Man I just couldn't stop. It's so interesting to me that a fat, blobby, make-up-less woman working in the middle of the night could attract anyone besides the blind or the insane asylum escapees.

Nancy Face said...

We all know you're a hottie!

Nancy Face said...

Just like Mr. Hee-Haw, my hub-cap likes to stuff his mouth full of moon pies.

This frightens me.

Lisa said...

Okay, so you paint this as such a funny picture, Elastic, but....I would have peed my pants because you weren't just getting in your truck and going on your merry way. You were going to be driving around slowly with your window down tossing papers-in the dark. That is scary to me.

Ick. He sounds like heaven. How could you resist??

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Lisa- That's why I have the neighborhood officer on my phone and I made fast friends with him a few years ago by bribing him with Sunday coupons and free samples from the paper. I wasn't that close to my route when I was getting hit on by Mr. Hee-Haw either and when I have been followed by people in the past, I always take notice and drive immediately to the police station which is really close by.

Papi saw Matzo Man hitting on another woman this past summer. Truly, I was absolutely devastated that he had eyes for another!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm off to work. I'm on a tight schedule today because Papi starts another semester and I have to be home in time for him to go to school.

Yeah, he graduated last month but he quickly found out that Bachelor Degrees combined with a buttload of accounting experience still doesn't necessarily mean that you'll land a big time job. He's working on getting the last of his required credit hours to take the CPA exam and starting on his Master's Degree. This all means that I won't be leaving the glamour of the paper life behind anytime soon. :(

Amanda said...

What a life you lead! Getting hit on by Hee haw man and the Matzo Man. You are one hot mamma! Glad to know you have the police nearby and on speed dial! Scary!!!

Bee said...

Yeah um... can you give him my number? Did you check if he was missing any teeth cuz that would drive me right over the edge! Right over.

Melissa said...

Okay - so, um... I have "Dueling Banjos" playing on my blog today... I have a good reason! I PROMISE!
Elastic - I think you need to start carrying pepper spray... or a stun gun... or, at the very least, that cookie gun your mini infidels pack!

Hilary said...

Hilarious story. Gotta love that toilet seat simile. And yes, Overboard has happened to appear on my tv every now and then. The actor's face immediately sprang to mind.

I'll be giggling through the day.. thanks for that. :)

aubrey said...

hahahaha! this post was pure gold. i love you elastic. i'm craving nachos now. have a good day!

Jean Knee said...

back off bee and elastic, I'm the native Texan here, He's All Mine!

probably an ex-boyfriend--was his name Bubba?

glittersmama said...

holy crapamoly. I guess you forgot your cootie spray that day and put on your "I want to be the queen of your double wide" scent instead.

I'm off to the gas station for some nachos and maybe a date for dinner!

jams o donnell said...

EWBL, there's not a man on this planet that can resist the lure of a woman eating chilis. You ought to see the not wife offing a handful of Scotch Bonnets - it stirs the east in me I tell ya!

Geosomin said...

Didn't you know the sleep deprived paper deliverer look is *in* this year?
I hear it's all the rage...:)

Ah...back in university, on my way to early shift at the water lab I too was wooed by a Mr. Mullet. Being my crochety morning uncaffeinated self I just smiled and said "Honey, you couldn't handle half of me. Please go away." Perhaps the giggles of laughter from the clerk (who I knew well from many caffeine dosage visits) had helped out...

Glad to know you're safe out there...

Millie said...

Well, I know *I* can't stay away from you. You just can't help how irresistable you are.

Amen on "mouthing the words" of Overboard. I do it every time I get the chance.

"I'm glad you're Bad Billy Pratt!"

Millie said...

P.S. "it stirs the east in me I tell ya!" is THE Phrase of the Day.

Lisa said...

Thanks for clearing that up.

:( continuing the paper route.

Millie said...

Um. I spelled "irresistible" wrong. Now we're even.

Physcokity said...

I'm not gonna lie, that was pretty funny. When you made reference to BIlly Pratt I got the mental picture of him with that dead pan stare when she's serving them beer and the pie right before the water fight. I don't think I'll be able to get off the floor with the gut busting fits of laughter.

No Cool Story said...

bwahahahahaha!
"You is the woman of my dreams!!!!"
"...his ego whooshing out like when you sit down on one of those squishy, padded toilet seats. Ssssssssssssss"

Oh honey. Imagine if he had seen you wolfing down a few Bimbo treats.
You are indeed irresistible!

Bee said...

MMMMMM Bimbunelos!

Bee said...

HEY! That Billy Pratt guy is the super from Friends!

the Bag Lady said...

EWBL - you and the Bag Lady should be hangin' together, trolling for...trolls... The Bag Lady gets hit on by that type of charmer, too. Which is why she now works from home. She couldn't take the excitement of fending off all those sweet advances. Perhaps someday she'll tell you all about the cleft-palate cab driver with the Cockney accent...

Elizabeth-W said...

Poor guy! :(
Elastic, you never fail to disappoint.

the frogster said...

Tell me about it. Phew, it's not easy being a sex symbol. I've had to start wearing a "Taken" button on my long-sleeve undershirts that I wear to cover up my Dunkin' Donut-infused stomach. Now we know how Beyonce feels. It's not easy being beautiful, EWBL. Hang in there.

Annie said...

You really know how to paint a picture for us. This was hilarious.

Lia said...

Everybody knows that hot foods burn calories. So just keep up the nachos-and-jalapenos thing, oh hot woman at the gas station!

carronin said...

I'm sure Mr. Hee-Haw figured that he was there you were there with all your hottness and jalapenos.... conditions are perfect!

Physcokity said...

It's business time...btw Overboard was on uh-gain this evening

compulsive writer said...

You and your jalapenos may be the woman of his dreams, but he and his "you is" is definitely the man of mine.

Rhonda said...

I love Overboard! There, I admit it.

I didn't know men went trolling in gas stations. That's icky. Can't a woman just buy some damn nachos?!

Anna Maria Junus said...

Oh, this post gives me hope!

on.the.run said...

I hate it when no eye contact doesn't work. I always want to say "can't you see that I'm pretending you don't exist."

wynne said...

You is the woman of MY dreams, and I ain't kiddin'!

Elastic is just so...hot, ya know? Even without the peppers.