Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Elastic Did A Bad, Bad Thing.....

First of all, allow me to wish those of the Jewish faith a very Happy Passover season.

Okay, I scored some nice Manischewitz brand Kosher Split Pea Soup mix on a grocery store clearance rack for super cheap. Hey, I know that I'm only getting a split pea....and sure it blows to think about someone sitting around disfiguring perfectly good peas to make them go farther..... but a Whole Pea Soup Mix would probably cost more and with grocery prices on the rise, I'm happy for what I can get to meet the nutritional needs of my merry band of Infidels.

The bargain price I paid for this fine and hearty meal would definitely make any good Jew worth his weight in matzoh balls beam with unbridled happiness.

What I did next, however, would instantly crush any modicum of mirth or joy- kind of like the time everything was going splendidly during the Jewish Community Center production of Fiddler On The Roof.....that is until the guy playing the role of fiddler shook his Shekels a bit too hard and fell off, fiddle and all. "Rock-A-Bye Fiddler On The Rooftop, When The Wind Blows, The Fiddler Will Rock......"

I decided that adding a few morsels of meat to the soup mix would render it more flavorful and filling. Yes, I did something naughty and violated the purity of the Kosher-observant split peas by allowing a filthy ham steak to co-mingle with them in our soup pot.

I wonder how you say "unholy alliance" in Hebrew ? I wonder what the Yiddish translation of the phrase "for something that seems so wrong, this tastes sooooooo right" is?

In English, the words are "I never knew that peas getting porked could be so delicious."

27 comments:

Elizabeth-W said...

eeewwwwww! to that last bit in italics!
I thought for sure you were going to reveal that you, along with the mini females, got your hair bobbed, too. I was waaay off!
You know I don't eat anything that comes from a pig, don't you? It's true.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Fine, then. When I go into business making Elastic Brand Pork Rinds I won't send you nay free samples. :)

Have you ever had Mexican fried chicharron(pork skin)?
My Dad and FIL both love it! The greasier, the better. My FIL likes it with a little bit of pig meat still on it and the branding mark still visible.

It grosses me out like nothing else in this world.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Oh, and I'm saving my hair for a few more inches so that Locks of Love can make a Super Ponytail..a ponytail able to wrap around and cloak small children in times of a nakey emergency!

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I'm toddling off to bed now.

I have to work non-stop from 3 in the morning until sometimes around Thursday afternoon.

I'll be seeing you all and commenting then.

Thanks for all the nice words on the previous post.

Thanks for clicking on humor-blogs for me for all these months. It was gratifying to see The Infidel breaking into the top 20(out of 600-something) and staying there for quite a while. I recently withdrew my blog from there, in case anyone was wondering. It was pure, unadulterated fun but I feel like I got that all out of my system now. :)

glittersmama said...

You're always going away...at least you left us with some quality stuff before your work-inspired hiatus. Come back fast!

Melissa said...

I wonder how much they pay people to split peas? I think I could do that job... how hard could it be to cut peas in half?
Sounds like you've got some craziness the next few days... good luck!

Chell said...

A very good laugh for first thing on a Tuesday morning...love your complete and utter honesty! :)
If it tastes good - eat it! :)

Hilary said...

Oy! Regardless of my Jewish background, I will eat just about anything. And any other innocuous brand of peas soup, split or otherwise wouldn't have raised an eyebrow. But with Manischewitz Kosher? That's just WRONG! ... It's so loaded with MSG and sodium. ;)

Rebecca said...

Did the fiddler really fall off of the roof, or was that creative license?

I think how hard it would be to split peas depends on if they're already dried or not, and if they only give you dental floss to do it. Or maybe penguins. I've heard that their beaks are strong. Plus, they only like fish.

Hey It's Di said...

I'm sure they send those peas to China and those poor kids split them.Have you ever noticed the "Split in China" label on them? Just for once it would be nice to have a whole pea soup! Might actually be filling:)

Porking the pea sounds like it would be delicious! I'm with you on that.

I hope the fiddler was able to fiddle after the fall:( Poor dude!

Geosomin said...

That soup sounds good actually.
I can't eat split pea soup anymore...my grandma ruined it for us. She has all these seed peas she used for making soup in here early stages of alzheimers...blecho. Let's just say it was horrid.
Perhaps I too will try porking my peas and see what i come up with.
Lately I've just added beer to things if they don't taste right. I wonder if beer would work with peas.
Hmmm...drunken porked peas?

Lisa said...

Hey I love split pea soup With ham! I'll eat pork, but the pork rinds business can refrain from sending any my way, too. :)

Have a good week!

what's a donzer said...

I think everything tastes better after a good porking. I like to add ham to my pea soup (split or no), my green beans, my biscuits, my jello, my bathwater. Mmmm.

Pork, the other white meat said...

it's all kosher, baby!!

Jean Knee said...

that freakin pig stole my comment

Kristen said...

I buy kosher chicken and make cream soup, sometimes, but I think you win when it comes to unholy alliances. What's next? Matzoh balls and bacon? Shellfish marinated in Manischewitz? I think you need to up the ante now.

Bee said...

I have never had spit pee soup. Ham, yes. Spit pee, no.

Amber said...

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And don't you know Jewish fare is equal unto German food? BLEH.

Well, bagels are exempt....

Nancy Face said...

Oh, thank you! I hope you have a happy Passover season, too! ;)

Nancy Face said...

Mmmm, ham! :)

Nancy Face said...

Poor, poor Fiddler. :(

Physcokity said...

Unholy alliance...bwahaha.

I'm too tired to try to come up with any comment of a comedic nature, so I'll just settle for admiration.

That's two lines from EWBL that have made me laugh out loud this morning. The other was the comment on Carrot's Whisker post.

I also laughed and laughed hard at geosomin's comment. :D

The Spit Pee soup sounds like it's up there with Drunken Porked Peas.

If the peas are porked no wonder they're split.

Suzanne said...

Mmm...ham steak! Elastic, you're my kind of lady! :)

Rhonda said...

OMGosh, that's awesome. You probably won't be invited to any Bar mitzvahs in the near future.

Millie said...

You naughty, naughty girl.

My favorite phrase was "Shook his shekels a bit too hard." Something about your use of the verb "shake" always gets me going.

Sister Jones in your ward said...

I want you to know, I found your blog, and I'm emailing this post to the BISHOP. I hope to see you excommunicated within the week, you....

HUMOR WHORE

Lauren said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So wrong but so right. I bet they'd all be saying that if they tried it. When I think about it, if I tried coffee I would probably be saying the same thing. The smell is just so alluring! Must stop thinking about Coffee....must stop thinking about coffee...