The Monsters Be Lookin At Me As If To Say 'You Don't need No More Candy Today!'

Have you ever noticed how retail stores deploy crafty techniques to keep their candy merchandise safe from the hands of little would-be candy thieves looking to acquire sticky fingers in more ways than one?

Yeah, motion-activated mad scientists and howling skeletons would definitely deter most young Milk Dud addicts from plundering into the sweet stuff. This is no coincidence. The ingenious ploy engineered to prevent people from pilfering the treats and leaving empty wrappers behind as a trick is rooted in the scarecrow technology that farmers have used for centuries to keep their corn crops safe. We nail crucifixes up above the door to keep vampires away, right? [Well, we'd probably make an exception for the vampiric but delicious Edward Cullen.] I intimidate Papi with my astoundingly whiffy gastronomic arsenal that I always have at the ready to keep him firmly ensconced on his own side of the bed. So why shouldn't shopping centers keep a talisman of sorts to ward off candy-taking evil spirits too?

Do you need a candy protector for your Halloween harvest this year? I hear the Boogeyman is available and he's slashing em deep.........slashing his prices deep, that is!

Stephen King Launches His New Line Of Christmas Stockings Just In Time For The Holiday Season!

Don't you love how the Christmas season always ushers in glad tidings and feelings of unity towards your fellow man? Well, I recently noticed a Christmas stocking display at a local discount chain that stoked the glowing embers of my heart........
It would be so uncharitable to leave behind the sickos, psychos, serial killers, Quentin Tarantino lovers, underwire bra manufacturers, Leatherface impersonators, IRS auditors, Wayne Newton fans, and Satanists during the most wonderful time of the year, wouldn't it? I'm so thankful for diversity and the bounty of positive changes its brought to our society. Who knew that the far-reaching implications would stretch all the way towards revolutionizing the Christmas stocking market? Yes, now happily we can all have a representative stocking to hang up next to our respective fireplaces.........or makeshift crematoriums this season.

Dressed For Nursing Success

Ladies: Have you ever wanted to go out clubbing but you just couldn't find a babysitter for your still-suckling infant? It looks like the fashion industry has solved all your problems! Now, you can shake it on the dance floor while simultaneously breast-feeding your baby in these shirts that won't encumber or restrict your boobage in any way.

Me and my merry band of Infidels hit the mall on Monday and uncovered this revealing new trend in apparel. Uncovered and Revealing being the optimum words here. Who knew that the Janet Jackson's House of Exposed Titty Fashions would catch on?

*These Stores Received An Infidel Citation For Most Appalling And Inappropriate Sexualization Of A Mannequin Since The Crappy Andrew McCarthy Movie, 'Mannequin'*

I Wonder If The Apache Tribe Made A Special Sugarhill Gang Totem Pole To Honor Them?

I didn't mean to pry. I really didn't. But it was recently revealed unto me that one of my dearest friends has led a deprived life stripped of the soaring joy one can only experience through the magic of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air breaking it down Apache-style with his cousin Carlton. How can I possibly stand idly by while a friend is in need of an emergency pop culture injection? Millie Chicken, Elastic sends this long-distance dedication to you in the hopes that it will act as a little ray of sunshine piercing through the gray Washington skies. Jump on it, Kemosabe!

[1:17]

Taking The 'Hands-On' Approach A Leeetle Bit Too Far

Hi, come on in! I'm about to start up Infidel Story Hour. So why don't you grab yourself a food storage bean bag chair.....NO, not that one! That one has the last of our potato pearls in it and I don't want the buttery perfection ruined by tainted butt. Come take this one with the dry bean soup mix stuffed inside. Dry bean soup mix is the main reason we fear a sudden apocalyptic attack-don't nobody wants to eat that to survive. Today I'm reaching way back into the annals of Infidel Family History to bring you a rousing story of Familial Traditions.......
My once flame-haired and eternally flame-tempered maternal grandmother was once a runner-up in the Miss Indiana pageant. I think she had high hopes for my mother following in her footsteps as she entered her in several beauty contests where my mom relied on her years of classical piano training to carry her through the talent portion of the competition. Dreams were dashed during one contest, though when stage fright set in and she lost her place while playing 'Maria' from West Side Story. My poor beleaguered mom just kept nervously pounding out the same chorus over and over again........"Maria, Maria, Maria, I know a girl named Maria" until one of the judges mercifully stepped in to put her out of her misery. I guess being tall and skinny with blond hair and blue eyes will only take you so far in a pageant.

Like pack animals using an innate sixth sense to sniff out weakness, my two uncles knew that this calamitous event really bothered my mom. So, they laid in wait for the perfect opportunity to torture her.......

And then, as the whole family sat in the living room, gathered around the television set watching an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, my mom's brothers realized they just struck gold! The shows theme revolved around a pianist who gets his hands chopped off for some reason and every night his severed hands come back to haunt and terrorize him. It freaked my mom out completely as nightmares tormented her slumber for weeks following.

Always ones to capitalize on the misfortune of their older sister, my uncles set their dastardly plan into motion by filling up a pair of latex cleaning gloves with water and freezing it. That night, they crept into my mom's darkened bedroom and placed the frozen gloves on either side of her head--counting on the fact that she's a notoriously light sleeper.

The terror-filled shrieks filled the house as she woke up thrashing about and fighting with the ice-cold, disembodied hands. My uncles, still hovering outside her door, collapsed in laughter.

This prank became a favorite for my uncles and a yearly Halloween tradition. My poor mom still gets the shakes when she hears any songs about hands. The Beatles 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand?' No. Forget about it. I feel sorry for any boys who ever tried to get 'handsy' with her. But at least she doesn't run screaming from the room when people mention the Hands Across America event anymore. That's progress. Just don't ever make any sudden "Jazz Hand" movements towards her, and you'll get along with my mom just fine.

*This is my entry into Wynne's Literary Mutations Halloween Contest!*

In An Effort To Win With Wynne......

I'm cheating and submitting two of the coolest videos I've seen in a long time for Wynne's Halloween Contest! These are both, funny, original, and Halloween-worthy.........and they're short.

Hey, Wanna Buy A Ghost??!!? [2:06]

Evil Floating Head [1:12]

When Good Bras Go Bad........

There's a sinister conspiracy afoot. As your intrepid Infidel reporter I feel compelled to bring you all the details though I risk life, limb, and the wrath of the Bra Rose Manufacturing lobbyists to do so.

I've uncovered top secret information that the Bra Rose companies have aligned themselves with the brassiere bow factories for years now and they reign supreme over the garment lobby up in Washington D.C.. Yes, they're in cahoots and working together to make women's undergarments just that much more undignified. What purpose could the sewing on of insidious satin roses and tiny, ridiculous bows possibly serve? This isn't an episode of MacGyver where we can pluck the thumbnail-sized flower off and transform it into a lethal weapon by flinging it at our enemy's eye or hiding it in their Vienna Sausage Casserole to choke them to death......as though a Vienna Sausage Casserole wouldn't kill them off all on its own.

Us women already have to deal with unsupportive bras that sag and droop and create the dreaded 'Third Boob Syndrome' in the middle of our chest-- must we also contend with this extra aggravation? I just don't appreciate giving passing strangers the illusion that I have three nipples to go along with the pushed together 'Third Boob' thingie and that's precisely how it looks when you have a small, round object smack dab in the middle of your boobage. It's something that only a nursing set of triplets or a man with three hands would get excited about. No, a Triple-Nipple just ain't flattering on a woman at all. Or a man for that matter. Remember Chandler on 'Friends' who went to great lengths to get his supernumerary nipple surgically removed? I'm sure that if women wanted a Triple-Nipple look we can get a prosthetic to achieve that effect.

I understand that my harsh criticism will likely lead to a bra securities task force being created to investigate scandalous Bra Rose misdeeds and corrupt pay-offs. It could even lead to massive bra ornamentation factory lay-offs......but the truth shall set us free. No longer will we stand idly by and be used as walking specimens for some bra creator's Triple-Nipple fantasies.

A Sure Sign Of Amelia Bedelia Syndrome.....

Do not be deceived by the misleading sign, people. I stood outside this McDonald's for an eternity, waiting and pacing to and fro in the painted crosswalk for a watch that never came. :( It was all a lie-- a cruel hoax designed to lure in the watch-less masses. Is it time for a Big Mac Attack? Don't ask me. I wouldn't know since I don't have a McDonald's watch.

How's It Hanging, Yo?.......The Official Infidel Christmas Ornament Guide For 2007

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas............well, it is at all major retail stores anyway. I just love a world where we can find remembrances of the birth of our Lord and Savior snuggled up on the shelves alongside maggot-rotted Halloween skulls and shiny, happy Pilgrim people. [The Thanksgiving song that R.E.M never wanted you to hear]

I'm no maven of high fashion like blog friend ANNIE but I can certainly look around and determine what the new seasonal trends will be. Judging from the glittering ornaments display hanging up at the Dollar Store, this is the year of The Disco Empire Strikes Back!--Featuring blindingly bright and gaudy baubles that could have only been designed by the Queen Of Disco herself: Donna Summers.
These struck a pang of sadness in my heart. I was like, "Awwwww, that's what happens when you hang a perfectly good disco ball too close to the trash compactor." If Rubik's Cube had made their splashy debut in the 70's, this is what they would have looked like.
This silvery orb ornament reminds us to never waste precious resources. It's constructed entirely from silver fish scales, and stray go-go dancers.I'm having trouble convincing Papi to consent to filling our tree with these fuzzy balls. Maybe he has a problem with the shocking white color radiating out from the balls like they were culled from an albino. I guess I sort of agree with him- fuzzy albino balls should never be used to adorn a Christmas tree.

Not every ornament at the Infidel house will reflect the 'Boogie Wonderland' theme this year. No, I spied this beauty down at the Boy Scout Shop while buying my son's Webelo handbook. Sure, it's a frivolous thing to blow money on, but when I saw how the door swings open revealing a skunk prancing about the crapper, I knew that I must take it home to love and cherish forever and ever! This will surely be the piece de resistance on the Infidel Tree this Christmas.

Okay, so spill. What are the holiday trends you've spotted and which ones are worth investing in?

How Many Trees Must Die For Your Woody, Brian Wilson??!!?

Infidel daughter the second and I witnessed something rather unsettling while out on a quick jaunt to the grocery store.

See, our entire area has become an ongoing construction zone as they decimate centuries-old forests to make way for upscale shopping and fine dining housed in faux Italian Tuscan Village styled buildings. More concrete, less trees........YAY! You know that Joni Mitchell song, 'Big Yellow Taxi' that practically everybody and their greasy Aunt Edna has performed a cover of? I love that line where she earnestly sings 'They Took All The Trees And Put Em In A Tree Museum And Charge People A Dollar And A Half Just To See Em.' I can only bobble-head in agreement because around here they really have 'paved paradise to put up a parking lot.'

Infidel daughter the second pointed out a bunch of trees surrounded by a rectangular pen made of orange construction netting and kept asking me why they had those particular trees confined. Of course, I had several ideas--two of which made her crack up laughing:

1. It's a special playpen made specifically as a time-out punishment for rowdy trees who haven't yet hit their maturity.

2. A Piney Tree Petting Zoo where patrons can frolic amongst these gentle giants. They'd have to post a few 'Do Not Feed The Trees' signs, though, and maybe a 'Beware Of Trees:They Splinter' warning.

3. The state punished and imprisoned them for their massive littering crime wave. Dropping dirty needles everywhere definitely constitutes a criminal offense.

4. These were specially selected and cordoned off to keep the Infidel house in toilet paper until the year 2012. The Mayan calendar comes to an abrupt halt that year. It's reassuring to know that when the end of the world comes, our Infidel bums will be clean.

Within us all lies a little hippie side with an environmental conscience. My inner Infidel hippie enjoys patchouli oil and hairy armpits--what about yours??!!!?

An Infidel Quickie!

You know that this Infidel, well usually, 'she love you long time.' Yeah, that basically means that an abbreviated blog rendezvous at The Smiling Infidel's red-velvet wallpapered headquarters rarely happens because my posts tend to run long. Really long. Ridiculously long. Looooooonnnngg. But not today! My Fat Melody is obsessed with Christmas because she knows her birthday lies somewhere around that magical date. She coyly asked me all summer if it was time to put up the Christmas tree because that's her sneaky little way of gauging time in correlation to her birthday. Fat Melody thinks she's the center of the universe and that all time stops and starts based on the annual marking of her grand entrance into the mortal coil. She's our baby, so Papi and I have never told her any differently.

We went swimming yesterday and as I floated around the pool ferrying Fat Melody like the Grand Poobah Princess she is, she asked me what I wanted for Christmas knowing full well that the conversation would evolve into birthday talk.......again. I told her that I only wanted everyone to be happy. Melody smiled and persisted with, "Me gonna buy you a necklace!" I made my neck disappear under my considerable chins kind of like the guy in the picture is doing and I laughingly told her "Oh, so sorry. I don't have a neck to put a necklace on." Melody thought for half a second and brilliantly declared, "For Christmas, me gonna buy you a new neck!"

See, blog quickies can be a satisfying experience because it's all about quality; not quantity. So.......was it good for you?

*I'm Not A Mommeeeee Blogger. But I Play One Sometimes On Teh Internets.*

DISCLAIMER!

Gentle Readers,

Are you new to the jaw-dropping, eyebrow-raising, armpit-scratching, chin-plucking wonders of The Smiling Infidel? You are? What took you so stinkin long to get here??!? Now the beautiful Mexican Casserole feast I made for you is all cold and greasy, and the dancing burro I hired for the party is too tired to even do The Macarena. Oh well, I still have plenty of savory Spam Cupcakes left for everyone to partake of and find Spammy happiness therein-- The kind of happiness that only processed and canned meat by-product can bring you.

Smiling Infidel veterans know that I'm homeschooling a houseful of mini-Infidels on top of working a couple of part-time jobs--Jobs where I get my hands dirty and everything. [Dirty hands to match my occasionally dirty soul] Hey, with a husband finishing his college degree, someones got to keep this family in the luxurious lifestyle of 3 meals a day that we've all become accustomed to.

Consequently, I don't return comments in the expedient manner I'd like to. This vexes me greatly despite the pithy little 'Blogging Without Obligation' thing I slapped into the sidebar. Just know that I do eventually make the rounds because no blog comment or commenter gets left behind or forgotten!

May All Your Days Be Filled With The Happiness Of Chicken Dancing,
elasticwaistbandlady

Topped With Cheesy Goodness, Mexican Casserole Really Satisfies!

What is an Infidel Gourmet on a reeeeeaaaallly tight budget to do when there's bills to pay and voracious mini-Infidels to feed? Well, this Infidel Gourmet turned her hope-filled eyes towards the savior of many a cheap family meal: The Casserole.

I picked up a bag of dry elbow macaroni at the grocery store thinking we could couple it with some of our extensive cheese collection living in the refrigerator, and then I saw it.........A no-fail recipe printed on the bag listing out ingredients that I already had stocked at home. Score! I hurried home to try out Mexican Starburst Casserole which was sure to delight the taste buds of even the most fickle of my mini-Infidels. If you're under 18 and reading this: No, the recipe does NOT have actual Starburst candies in it-Mexican or otherwise. Sorry to disappoint you. If you're Mexican and reading this: No, the recipe does NOT have actual Mexicans in it either.

Anyway, I added a few more spices because it's obvious the chefs who created this dish wanted to cater to the milquetoast Yankee Cracker palette. Many of you are saying, "But Infidel, aren't YOU a milquetoast Yankee Cracker?" Yes, I am. But living in Texas for 20 years has refined and conditioned my palette to accept the spicier things in life. The final casserole entree resembled chili poured over macaroni and topped with cheese. It wasn't too bad, but it wasn't too good, either.

We try not to say disparaging things in front of our many chillens, so my sexi-Mexi Papi reserved his criticism about the meal until we had a moment alone. Papi kept insisting that real Mezzicans don't eat casseroles with macaroni thrown into it. And I kept saying, "Are you calling the fine people at the macaroni company, liars? They said it's a Mexican Casserole, and I totally believe them." Papi raised his voice and emphatically yelled, "I don't care what the macaroni people say, I'm telling you that Mexicans do NOT eat this casserole!!!"

I'm a lover, not a fighter. So I smiled the biggest dimpled smile I could muster and softly said, "Yeah? Well I know of at least one Mexican who ate that casserole!"

Hang Em' High:The Pink Flamingo Version

And then when my eyes bore solemn witness to the macabre scene left behind on the grounds of the secret Plastic Flamingo Gallows- a cry of anguish escaped my pursed lips and burst slowly forth, punctuating the eerie silence. Despondently, I tallied up the carnage of those who had met the wrong end of the noose this fateful autumnal eve.

Since when does decorating your yard with the always delightfully-kitschy plastic pink flamingo constitute a capital offense? Who made these people judge, jury, and executioner that they could play Flamingo Hangman like this? Maybe the Homeowners Association President lives here, and he's trying to send a message out to any and all who dare landscape with flamboyant flamingo panache--Do it, and the flamingo gets it. Capiche?

Well, if we're going to punish abhorrent tackiness and fug in such an appalling manner, I move to take down A Flock Of Seagulls before targeting a Flock Of Flamingos. We must also stop to consider all the sad and lonely garden gnomes bereft of their flamingo companionship. Won't you please think of the gnomes?!? Stop the senseless flamingo violence today for a better flamingo tomorrow.....

*No Flock Of Seagulls Were Harmed In The Making Of This Post Because They Ran, They Ran So Far Away. And They Ran, They Ran All Night And Day.....*

Infidel Love Fest 2007

I write The Smiling Infidel to keep my brain muscles from further atrophying after years of hard core Barney watching and ingesting straight-up, pure grade Pixie Stix granules. It's also a clearinghouse for all the strange ideas shelved on the cheap, particle board bookcases lining the annals of my mind- Ideas just sitting there gathering dust and plotting their escape. When The Smiling Infidel was birthed nearly two years ago, they could finally stretch and see the light of day. Most people who stumbled across the newly unleashed ideas, went all slack-jawed and horrified at the sight of such irreverent and naughty little things, and they ran away as fast as their legs could carry them. But others saw the ideas, and it made them smile. They chose to reach out their hands and lovingly stroke the ideas which feed directly into the Infidel ego.

I'll admit it, I like the recognition and awards I've received lately. I want to line em' all up, throw em' on the bed, and roll around on em' Indecent Proposal style-Yes, that's just how much I love these awards. But more than anything, I love you guys for continuing to bolster my spirits and keep me from giving in to frequent thoughts of blog termination with your great comments. I'd like to finally shed my ungrateful heathen outer layer by showing a little appreciation and thankfulness.
I wrote about Chutzpah:The World's First Jewish Rap Supergroup last year. They must have liked what I had to say. They liked it so much they took a snapshot of the post HERE, and put it on their press page above such names as Gary Oldman and Debbie Harry. Oy Vey!
They also made this little linkie and slapped it alongside their reviews from Billboard, Yahoo Music, and MTV. Thanks Chutzpah. I lift my gentile spoon of matzoh ball soup towards you in Kosher Tribute!
BURG nominated me for this. And Wynne seconded her motion. Thanks ladies.

Jams O'Donnell forwarded the love he received on his blog to me. This is the only kind of love I'll accept from another man. I'm a good girl. Thanks Jams. Suzanne and Nancy bestoweth the honoreth of making them smileth uponeth me. I already have the Barry Manilow, 'Can't Smile Without You' award......I think these two will make a handsome pair in my trophy case. Thanks Suzanne and Nancy.
Lisa thinks that Nice Matters. She's right, of course--Nice, France is a very exciting tourist destination located along the French shoreline. Thanks Lisa.

Radioactive Jam wanted to call me a floozy, but did the gentlemanly thing and gave me a 'Schmoozy' award instead. Thanks RAJ.The most surprising news of the week came when the noted LDS magazine, Segullah picked up The Smiling Infidel blog feed along with some of my other favorite bloggy friends. I'm beyond thrilled and thinking the reason behind such a move may be to show that not all LDS women are Work And The Glory-quoting, Tater Tot Casserole-toting scrapbookers- Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some of us are a little bit 'quirkier' than the status quo, but we love our religion just as much. Thanks Segullah.

Look at me giving all this thanks a full two months before Thanksgiving. Practice makes perfect.

The Smiling Infidel Word Of The Day-Learning Words The Infidel Way!

ELASTICITY e·las·tic·i·ty- The State Or Quality Of Being Elastic.
Wouldn't you all like to possess the state or quality of being elastic? Well, too bad, because like Highlander, 'In The End There Can Be Only One' and, I am that elastic.

A state of elastic? Pshaw! Why would I set my sights on such mediocrity? If all goes according to my stretchy and diabolical plans.......Today--Elastic City. Tomorrow--Elastic Planet! Sho nuff. As an important leader, I won't lie to you- Elastic City is not the promised land of milk and honey. We instead have nacho cheese flowing through our streets alongside bubbling fountains cascading with carbonated Mountain Dew goodness.

Planning a vacation to Funky Town? That place is just played-out, y'all. And I don't really care how many times your lady pleadingly begs you, "Won't you take me to Funky Town?" No, what you need to do is pack yourself a giant bag of tortilla chips and come visit Elastic City!

*Special Thanks Goes To No Cool Story The Official Artistic Muse Of Elastic City Who Designed This Funny Trinity-esque Picture*

Double Dave- A Man And His Secret Alter Ego Revealed

What does famed soccer star and paparazzi whore media darling, David Beckham do on his days off?
Well, Mr. Metrosexual covertly ducks into a phone booth to tear off his soccer uniform- revealing the monochromatic violet shirt and tie combo underneath. Then he kisses Skeletal Posh Spice goodbye, and jets off to steamy Houston, Texas where his secret lair awaits......the corner office at a State Farm Insurance Agency.

When acting as a Secret Insurance Agent Man, that old chap, David Beckham drops the formality of his first name to fit in with the regular schmoes. Think about it- most people in sales go by Bob, Ray, Tim, Tony, Bill, Sue, Tom, and Chris instead of Robert, Raymond, Anthony, Timothy, William, Susanna, Thomas, and Christopher/Christine. It's just more casual that way, not to mention the money saved printing out business cards that charge by the letter. To complete his disguise, Dave Beckham even joined a bowling league and dines on the featured lunch special at TGI Friday's with his co-workers.

I guess his life getting paid to kick balls and play BFF to a crazy herd of Scientologists just wasn't all that fulfilling for him. Rumor has it that he's at the top of his game. Well, not the soccer game-he's been very injury-prone and lackluster in that field. But the man shines when he's in his element; selling insurance. I hear that he's the guest of honor at the Southwest Regional Insurance Agent Banquet at the Holiday Inn this year. Way to go Dave! You'll make red jacket status within the year at this rate.

When An Infidel Loves A Jean Knee.......

My favoritest stalker, jean knee, is a little obsessed with Halloween. The HORROR! Halloween is really one of those gateway holidays. I'm profoundly concerned that jean knee might one day wake up in a leprechaun outfit after a wild night out with The Easter Bunny brawling with Santa's Candy Cane groupies. Anyway, to her I dedicate this song.......

Ministry-Halloween Is Every Day

I've often wished that Halloween was every day, too. But only if certain people I know would dress up as famed mime, Marcel Marceau, and shut their gapingly wide pieholes for awhile.

R.I.P Marcel----Somewhere in the heavens, the late Rosemary Clooney started crooning, 'Send In The Clowns,' and this was the response.

I'm Trying To Keep This Post Clean

How can such a massive glut of similar businesses survive in an overly saturated market? Why, by offering a niche service, that's how. You can't toss a soiled garment around Houston without hitting some sort of dry cleaning establishment. So it's interesting to note the following places and the specialty menu they're focusing on in order to cinch up market share and a tidy sum in the process. Emphasis on tidy....don't nobody want dirty money in this line of work.

The Board Of Directors at Pilgrim Cleaners strive to achieve a puritanical world free of the scourge of dirty Pilgrims. They offer first-rate services to all dirty Pilgrims, and even hired congenial John Wayne lookalikes for their flagship locations to give a big, warm "Howdy Pilgrim!" welcome. From giving a pure-as-the-driven-snow collar the stiffy treatment down to keeping your scarlet letter bright and shiny, Pilgrim Cleaners is there for you!

*Not responsible for any Pilgrim buckle damage that may occur*

Want to make your water fowl a little less, well.......... foul? Bring them on in to Swan's Cleaners. This place and their super bubbly swan-scrubbing action means Tunnel Of Love operators can run their romantic attraction without the fear of stanky swan pollution spoiling up the ambiance. They're also the secret weapon behind Swan Lake which used to be called Mucky Duck Lake.

*After just finishing Eclipse, I want to run Bella Swan through a wash and rinse at Swan's Cleaners. Bella gets done passionately making out with her vampire and then feels up a werewolf not even one hour later? Dirty Girly!*

And finally, we don't have to hold our breaths and maintain a 'wait-and-see' period after elections anymore. Will your selected candidate do as they promise and 'clean house?' I wouldn't bet on it. Luckily, we have an easy solution all wrapped up in a one-stop shop. At Country Cleaners, you can sanitize the land that you love while wringing out the asshats and hanging them up to dry at the same time. They also do shoe repairs and alterations while you wait for your country to get cleansed.

I often over hear people lament about getting 'taken to the cleaners.' Huh. I guess I'll just have to wait for an Infidel Cleaners to open up in this area so I can experience it firsthand.

The Sandwiching Witching Hour Draws Nigh!

We took an official Infidel Field Trip yesterday out to the gargantuan warehouse that holds the Halloween Express store. They had more bloody dismembered body parts scattered about than you could shake a bloody dismembered body part at. So, as we wound our way around the children's costumes, we saw a gaggle of wide-eyed little girls excitedly ooohing and aaahing over the sparkly fairy outfits and begging their parents to buy them Pretty Princess costumes with glittery tiaras to match. My fat Melody was not one of them. She instead rushed over to one side of the aisle and pointed out a bag that caught her interest while declaring, "Mommy, me wanna be this for Halloween." Did she want to dress up as the fiery Little Mermaid, or spunky Tinkerbell? No, my Melody wants to be the black-robed, and malevolent Emperor Of Evil. Isn't that sweet? It's nice to know that at least one of my girls will buck the Disney cuteness juggernaut. The money I save on Hannah Montana merchandise alone will keep me in name brand cheese until my retirement years.

And then we spotted the rack from High School Musical- more specifically 'Gabrielle's rack.' Oh well, I guess by this time, most of the world has already seen Gabrielle's rack! My older daughters know the deal and started laughing as I remarked that the costume bag was empty except for a really big smile.
This particularly nasty costume almost made me barf. When you push a button, real diarrhea liquid squirts out the rear. This costume did in fact hold the honor of winning my personal award for 'Reasons Why Mankind Deserves To Be Destroyed.'

We only celebrate Halloween by buying half-priced candies the next day. But what about you guys? Anyone have a super special or super funny costume past or present that they'd like to share with the class?

*I painted the poodle shirt that Melody's wearing. It has real bows and a pearl necklace on it. It's one of my most favorite things that I've crafted.*

Just One Dried-Up, Wrinkly, Old Infidel Trying To Recapture Her Youth

I'm no spring chicken. In fact, with each year that passes, I'm transforming into a tough old bird,with wiry chin hairs in place of feathers. And yet, some of my recent behavior would suggest a regression back into some sort of second childhood.

Observe: This is what I'm listening to right now.

Super Mal Featuring Luciana-Bigger Than Big

I bought these flamingo beauties half-price at the mall on Friday. What??? Infidels cannot survive with flip-flops alone. Winter is coming, after all.

I cooked a nice Sunday dinner yesterday, but found myself too engrossed in a certain book about vampires and werewolves to sit down at the table. So I devoured a bag of these instead. Yeah, handling roast beef with all the fixins would have proved difficult to do while reading.
I'm so very close to plastering big, glossy posters of this Edward Cullen wannabe all over my bedroom walls. I wonder what Papi would say? Reliving childhood has some definite drawbacks. I feel a massive zit outbreak coming on, and I can't seem to stop saying, like, all the time. Like, you know what I mean? Like, whatever!

Even The Neighborhood Watch People Avert Their Eyes And Blush From Embarrassment.....

Ever wonder where speed bumps come from? Wonder no more!
Oh, those randy little roads and all their naughty humping and bumping activities. Their indiscretions make the daily commute for the average motorist a bit more jarring.

Well, as me and Infidel Daughter The Second traveled through this neighborhood, we couldn't help giggling and pointing at all the road hump warnings. It's very important that people shield their kids from seeing the pavement in a possible compromising position-I completely understand that, but this was sign overkill. Every corner? Is that really necessary? Are we supposed to marvel at the road's boast of humping at 20 mph? That just seems ostentatiously braggy to me.

Naturally, when talking about things that you do naturally, it led to us singing an improvised version of The Black Eyed Peas 'My Humps.'
My Humps, My Humps
My Lovely Concrete Humps.....Check It Out.

At long last, I finally understood the deeper meaning of the 'My Humps' lyrics as each speed bump jostled me and shook around all that junk--all that junk inside my trunk.

*Infidel Daughter The Second Knows What The Word Hump Basically Means Thanks To Our Perpetually Excited Chocolate Labrador, Reagan.*

Phooey On Huey!

I have a totally annoying stalker.......and Huey Lewis be thy name.
Huey's not very discreet as he goes about his stalkerish ways either--usually dragging along his entire band, The News, with him whenever he follows me around. The man knows no boundaries. He's followed me into the grocery store, my truck, even the sanctity of my own bathroom! As my daughter and I stood in line to pay for our purchases at Party City, Huey Lewis invaded my personal space yet again, crooning gently about 'The Power Of Love.' My daughter sighed as she remarked, "Eventually it always comes back to Huey Lewis, doesn't it?" And I'm like, "Yeah, there's just no escaping him."

I went to file a restraining order, but had to leave immediately as Huey tried to sway me otherwise by earnestly singing 'Happy To Be Stuck With You' over the courthouse speakers. He refuses to leave me alone. I don't encourage this behaviour, at all. In fact, I've gone to great lengths to turn him off and give him the slip, but somehow he always finds me again. That nice Hootie and his Blow Fish got the hint and quit following me some time ago. But there's just no shaking the tenacious Huey Lewis. Honestly, I wish that man would find himself 'A New Drug' and get a life. Besides, I already have a dedicated stalker named, jean knee, and she has never once frightened the Twinkies out of me by playing the harmonica like Huey has.

Huey Lewis should offer a special Stalker Guarantee Policy. "If you're not completely sick and tired of Huey Lewis and The News in 10 days or less, we will offer a full refund or sign you up for the stalking services of John Mayer, who will show up everywhere you go singing his horrible and depressing, mealy-mouthed song, 'Daughters.'" I've seen the Dark Side, my friends, and they pipe in Huey Lewis music there, too.

Anyone else notice this? Maybe it's just an anomaly rooted in Houston? If so, count your blessings that Huey isn't hot on your trail.

I Wonder If You Can Buy Life Insurance Policies At The Dollar Store Too?

In a fit of forced frugality this week, I went shopping at our local 99 Cents Only Store to lasso up some provisions to satisfy the voracious appetites of my lovely little Infidel Family.

Now, I don't mind denying us fancy designer labels when it comes to clothes. Banana Republic? No, not for us. We shop at their discount retailer, Red-Banded Bananas Republic ( Proudly Selling Fruit Fly Free Merch. since 2007!) But, I'm kind of a brand name snob when it involves our food. So then to what did my money-saving eyes should appear, but boxes of artificial butter with a product name to fear.
TASTES LIKE BUTTER! Ooooh, it tastes like butter, but what the crap is it, really?

A moment of grandiose epiphany tugged at my brain, startling me. And then I realized that I could embark on a new career coming up with label names for dollar store grocery items. The Dollar Store industry does represent an astronomical rate of growth. In certain markets, they hold a larger share of the grocery sales pie than even traditional chain stores like Kroger's. Tell me what you think of these tasty little treats and your likelihood of picking it up just based on the sweet box design and intriguing product name.
IT MIGHT BE BACON!
KIND OF, SORT OF, LIKE CHEESE!
USED TO BE A COW! Frozen Hamburger Patties
SMELLS LIKE BURRITOS!
ARE YOU READY TO FUNK THIS JELLY? Beyonce Brand Jam
LOOKS LIKE YOGURT!
POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME! Porn Star Endorsed Sugar
WAFFLE-SHAPED WAFFLES!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT DIDN'T COME FROM A CHICKEN! Eggs

You shouldn't try any of these items without first purchasing the Dollar Store brand of upset stomach medicine.....DIARRHEA BE GONE!

The Smiling Infidel Word Of the Day

Okay, class. Our super special word for today is:
Toiletries
Toiletries: A sacred, self-fertilizing tree that grows bountiful toilet harvests every year. Money doesn't grow on trees--but toilets sure do!

Word History: American folklore tells of an instrumental figure that aided in the spread of Toilet Trees by roaming the countryside and taking dumps in a most uncivilized manner. The trees soon sprang up from his stomping dumping grounds. That man was none other than Johnny Crapperseed, which is why we call toilets 'Johns' in honor of him.

*Special Thanks To NCS For Her Abundance Of Photoshop Cleverness. I Love The Way The Toilets Are Hung With Gaily Colored Ribbons Like Christmas Ornaments. I May Want To Do My Christmas Tree With A Toilet Theme This Year Thanks To Inspiration From NCS! Gracias.*

The Three Saddlebag Cinch-Keteers.........Coming To A City Near you!

Here's a picture of Carrot and me playing a nice game of Monkey Millie In The Middle!
I'll never forget a particularly depressing time during my teen years that my mom and I had no place to go for Thanksgiving dinner. Feeling sorry for ourselves, we split an entire pumpkin pie topped with an entire tub of Cool Whip, as we pitifully flopped down in the living room to watch TV. We didn't have the luxury of cable, and the only programming available on Thanksgiving aside from a glut of cheesy infomercials was Good Morning Houston-a show we mocked often. So, we resignedly tuned into Good Morning Houston while devouring our pie as they ran an irritating exercise segment featuring their 50 year old perennially perky co-host who, despite her age, insisted on wearing one of those leotards that ride up the rear and look like dental floss stringing through your heiny. Little Miss Old Solid Gold led her neon Spandex Squadron in an exercise called 'The Saddlebag Cinch,' as she demonstrated how you loosen-tighten-and loosen again your butt cheeks to firm them up. Then she chirpily declared "You can do 'The Saddlebag Cinch' anywhere. While waiting in line at the grocery store, while driving around in your car, you can even do it while on TV. Look at me.......I'm doing it right now!"

That was too much. My mom and I spit pumpkin pie everywhere as we exploded in laughter. Every since then, I'll occasionally blurt out to my mom......."'The Saddlebag Cinch?' I'm doing it RIGHT NOW!"

While squished together like Siamese triplets with Millie and Carrot in the backseat of Tori's car, I casually mentioned to Millie, "Hey Millie! I'm doing 'The Saddlebag Cinch.'" I never expected her to even know what I was talking about until she started giggling and said, "'The Saddlebag Cinch?' I'm doing it right now TOO!!!!" You know what? She really was! I felt her muscles tighten up and that sent us all into an uncontrollable bout of snorting from laughing so hard. It was like that Chris DeBurgh song, "Lady In Pink, is saddlebag cinching with me........ Cheek-To-Cheek!"

Now you know. Not only did I bond with my bloggy friends- I also did 'The Saddlebag Cinch' with them. 'The Saddlebag Cinch,' you say? Why, I'm doing it right now!!!!

Joey Ramone Once Said "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker!"

Know what today is? Well do you? It's the World's First Ever Sheena Easton Tribute Day! Yay! We're going to celebrate all that is the magical wonderment of this Scottish 80's superstar turned present day Scooby Doo voice-over actress. Remember, this is 'For Your Eyes Only,' you lucky, lucky Smiling Infidel readers.

Come, 'Strut' right over here and let's talk about 'The Lover In Me,' because 'We've Got Tonight....... Who Needs Tomorrow?' I ate a deli sandwich for breakfast- So, if you want, we could talk about 'The Liver In Me,' instead. Has anyone ever told you that, 'U Got The Look, You Must Have Took A Whole Hour Just To Make Up Your Face?' Oooh la la, that extra layer of Chapstick and the smell of your hemorrhoid cream is HAWT! Perhaps, we should just chat on the 'Telefone,' since 'My Baby Takes The Morning Train,' and he could come strolling in at any minute. No, you perv- My baby does jump on the morning train, but Thomas The Tank Engine ain't got nothing to do with it. Would you care for a snack? How about a taste of my 'Sugar Walls?' Yeah, in my spare time I build model doughnut shop replicas out of nothing but sugar cubes. It's a gift. My other hobbies include competitive eating and champion leapfrogging. Sadly, the two sports vastly contradict each other. When I play leapfrog with my baby, he always loses and decries, "I was 'Almost Over You!'" Almost, but not quite. Poor thing.

Wait.....where are you going? To the Anne Murray Tribute down at the next blog? Traitor. 'You Could Have Been With Me' and Sheena Easton. At least I can count on Prince and Kenny Rogers sticking around for my Sheena Easton Tribute. Their royalty checks depend on it.......

Just Your Typical, Everyday, Ordinary, Run-Of-The-Mill Garden Variety Needles...

Occasionally I do enjoy a good poke......just not from needles. I'm ashamed to admit that I've engaged in conduct most unbecoming for a self-proclaimed ardent conservative. You see, my neighbor and I have established an impromptu Needle Exchange Program right in the heart of our blissfully serene H-town suburb.

People outside our fair city can't begin to fathom the extent of our needle problems here. We constantly find unsightly piles of the filthy things all over our yards, driveways, and curbs. They're sharp little suckers too-thus preventing us from walking around outside barefoot. Gradually, I began to notice my neighbor slyly moving the dirty needles off his lawn and onto mine. Well, I'd return the favor with a blow job from our leaf blower. Heavens no, did you really expect me to touch needles with my delicate Infidel hands? And so, the silent, ritualistic Dance Of The Needle Exchange has continued over the past few years, ebbing and flowing with the bounty of discarded..........









PINE needles from our yards. Crap. Cleaning up the endless stacks of fallen pine needles is such a gigantic pain in the patootie. It's like a freakin Pine-Needle-Palooza around here! I always love it when my inconsiderate neighbor negligently forces me to scoop up all his tree debris too. I'm a very mature adult role model to my children for saying, "Oh yeah? Oh yeah??!!!!? Well, TWO can play that game, buddy!" while chucking his crusty pine needles back at him along with a few of my own. Instead of pining away about the situation, maybe I should just ruthlessly needle him about his errant behavior?